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THE REAL DOPE 




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The Real Dope 



By 
RING W. LARDNER 

'/ 
AUTHOR OP 

GULLIBLE*S TRAVELS, MY FOUR WEEKS IN FRANCE 
TREAT *EM ROUGH, ETC. 



ILLUSTRATED BY 

MAY WILSON PRESTON 

AND 

M. L, BLUMENTHAL 



INDIANAPOLIS 

THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



Copyright 1919 
The Bobbs-Merrill Company 



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,U'^ 



(^ 



PRESS OP 

BRAUNWORTM & CO. 

BOOK MANUFACTURERS 

BROOKLYN, N. V. 



FEB 19 1919 



V\ 



1.V 



CU511628 



THE REAL DOPE 



THE REAL DOPE 

CHAPTER I 

AND MANY A STORMY WIND SHALIi BLOW 

On the Ship Board, Jan. 15. 

rpRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose It is kind of 
-* foolish to be writeing you a letter now when 
they won't be no chance to mall it till we get 
across the old pond but still and all a man has got 
to do something to keep themself busy and I know 
you will be glad to hear all about our trip so I 
might as well write you a letter when ever I get a 
chance and I can mail them to you all at once when 
we get across the old pond and you will think I have 
wrote a book or something. 

Jokeing a side Al you are lucky to have an old 
pal thats going to see all the fun and write to you 
about it because its a different thing haveing a 
person write to you about what they see themself 
then getting the dope out of a newspaper or some- 
thing because you will know that what I tell you is 
the real dope that I seen myself where if you read it 
in a newspaper you know its guest work because 

1 



2 THE REAL DOPE 

in the 1st. place they don't leave the reporters get 
nowheres near the front and besides that they 
wouldn't go there if they had a leave because they 
would be to scared like the baseball reporters that 
sets a mile from the game because they haven't 
got the nerve to get down on the field where a man 
could take a punch at them and even when they 
are a mile away with a screen in front of them 
they duck when somebody hits a pop foul. 

Well Al it is against the rules to tell you when 
we left the old U. S. or where we come away from 
because the pro German spy might get a hold of a 
man's letter some way and then it would be good 
night because he would send a telegram to where 
the submarines is located at and they wouldn't send 
no 1 or S submarines after us but the whole Ger- 
man navy would get after us because they would 
figure that if they ever got us it would be a rich 
hall. When I say that Al I don't mean it to sound 
like I was swell headed or something and I don't 
mean it would be a rich hall because I am on board 
or nothing like that but you would know what I 
am getting at if you seen the bunch we are takeing 
across. 

In the 1st. place Al this is a different kind of a 
trip then the time I went around the world with the 
2 ball clubs because then it was just the 1 boat 
load and only for two or 3 of the boys on board it 
wouldn't of made no difference if the boat had of 



MANY A STORMY WIND 3 

turned a turtle only to pave the whole bottom of the 
ocean with ivory. But this time Al we have got not 
only 1 boat load but we got four boat loads of 
soldiers alone and that is not all we have got. All 
together Al there is 10 boats in the parade and 6 
of them is what they call the convoys and that 
means war ships that goes along to see that we get 
there safe on acct. of the submarines and four of 
them is what they call destroyers and they are 
little bits of shafers but they say they can go like 
he — 11 when they get started and when a submarine 
pops up these little birds chases right after them 
and drops a death bomb on to them and if it ever 
hits them the capt. of the submarine can pick up 
what is left of his boat and stick a 2 cent stamp 
on it and mail it to the kaiser. 

Jokeing a side I guess they's no chance of a sub- 
marine getting fat off of us as long as these little 
birds is on watch so I don't see why a man shouldn't 
come right out and say when we left and from 
where we come from but if they didn't have some 
kind of rules they's a lot of guys that wouldn't 
know no better then write to Van Hinburg or some- 
body and tell them all they know but I guess at 
that they could use a post card. 

Well Al we been at sea just two days and a lot 
of the boys has gave up the ghost all ready and 
pretty near everything else but I haven't felt the 
least bit sick that is sea sick but I will own up I felt 



^ iTHE REAL DOPE 

a little home sick just as we come out of the harbor 
and seen the godess of liberty standing up there 
maybe for the last time but don't think for a 
minute Al that I am sorry I come and I only wish 
we was over there all ready and could get in to it 
and the only kick I got comeing so far is that we 
haven't got no further then we are now on acct. 
that we didn't do nothing the 1st. day only stall 
around like we was waiting for Connie Mack to 
waggle his score card or something. 

But we will get there some time and when we do 
you can bet we will show them something and I am 
tickled to death I am going and if I lay down my 
life I will feel like it wasn't throwed away for 
nothing like you would die of tyford fever or 
something. 

Well I would of liked to of had Florrie and little 
Al come east and see me off but Florrie felt like she 
couldn't afford to spend the money to make another 
long trip after making one long trip down to Texas 
and besides we wasn't even supposed to tell our 
family where we was going to sail from but I 
notice they was a lot of women folks right down 
to the dock to bid us good by and I suppose they 
just guessed what was comeing off eh Al.^^ Or 
maybe they was all strangers that just happened 
to be there but I'll say I never seen so much kissing 
between strangers. Any way I and my family had 
our farewells out west and Florrie was got up like 



MANY A STORMY WIND S 

a fancy dress ball and I suppose if I die where she 
can tend the funeral she will come in pink tights 
or something. 

Well Al I better not keep on talking about Flor- 
rie and little Al or I will do the baby act and any 
way its pretty near time for chow but I suppose 
you will wonder what am I talking about when I 
say chow. Well Al that's the name we boys got 
up down to Camp Grant for stuff to eat and when 
we talk about food instead of saying food we say 
chow so that's what I am getting at when I say 
its pretty near time for chow. Your pal, 

Jack. 



On the Ship Board, Jem, 17. 

FRIEND 'AL: Well Al here we are out some- 
wheres in the middle of the old pond and I 
wished the trip was over not because I have been 
sea sick or anything but I can't hardly wait to get 
over there and get in to it and besides they got us 
jammed in like a sardine or something and four 
of us in 1 state room and I don't mind doubleing 
up with some good pal but a man can't get no rest 
when they's four trying to sleep in a room that 
wouldn't be big enough for Nemo Liebold but I 
wouldn't make no holler at that if they had of left 
us pick our own roomys but out of the four of 
us they's one that looks like he must of bribed the 



6 THE REAL DOPE 

jury or he wouldn't be here and liis name is Smith 
and another one's name is Sam Hall and he has al- 
ways got a grouch on and the other boy is O. K. 
only I would like him a whole lot better if he was 
about % his size but no he is as big as me only 
not put up like I am. His name is Lee and he 
pulls a lot of funny stuff like this a. m. he says 
they must of thought us four was a male quartette 
and they stuck us all in together so as we could 
get some close harmony. That's what they call it 
when they hit them minors. 

Well Al I always been use to sleeping with my 
feet in bed with me but you can't do that in the 
bunk I have got because your knee would crack you 
in the jaw and knock you out and even if they was 
room to strech Hall keeps crabbing till you can't 
rest and he keeps the room filled up with cigarette 
smoke and no air and you can't open up the port 
hole or you would freeze to death so about the only 
chance I get to sleep is up in the parlor in a chair 
in the day time and jou don't no sooner set down 
when they got a life boat drill or something and 
for some reason another they have a role call every 
day and that means everybody has got to answer 
to their name to see if we are all on board just as 
if they was any other place to go. 

When they give the signal for a life boat drill 
everybody has got to stick their life belt on and go 
to the boat where they have been given the number 



MANY A STORMY WIND 7 

of it and even when everybody knows its a fake 
you got to show up just the same and yesterday 
they was one bird thats supposed to go in our life 
boat and he was sea sick and he didn't show up so 
they went after him and one of the officers told him 
that wasn't no excuse and what would he do if he 
was sea sick and the ship was realy sinking and he 
says he thought it was realy sinking ever since we 
started. 

Well Al we got some crowd on the boat and they's 
two French officers along with us that been giveing 
drills and etc. in one of the camps in the U. S. and 
navy officers and gunners and a man would almost 
wish something would happen because I bet we 
would put up some battle. 

Lee just come in and asked me who was I write- 
ing to and I told him and he says I better be careful 
to not write nothing against anybody on the trip 
just as if I would. But any way I asked him why 
not and he says because all the mail would be 
opened and read by the censor so I said "Yes but 
he won't see this because I won't mail it till we 
get across the old pond and then I will mail all my 
letters at once," 

So he said a man can't do it that way because 
just before we hit land the censor will take all our 
mail off of us and read it and cut out whatever he 
don't like and then mail it himself. So I didn't 
know we had a censor along with us but Lee says 



8 THE REAL DOPE 

we certainly have got one and he is up in the front 
ship and they call that the censor ship on acct. of 
him being on there. 

Well Al I don't care what he reads and what he 
don't read because I am not the kind that spill 
anything about the trip that would hurt anybody 
or get them in bad. So he is welcome to read any- 
thing I write you might say. 

This front ship is the slowest one of the whole 
four and how is that for fine judgment Al to put 
the slowest one ahead and this ship we are on is 
the fastest and they keep us behind instead of leav- 
ing us go up ahead and set the pace for them and 
no wonder we never get nowheres. Of course that 
ain't the censor's fault but if the old U, S. is in 
such a hurry to get men across the pond I should 
think they would use some judgment and its just 
like as if Hughey Jennings would stick Oscar Stan- 
age or somebody ahead of Cobb in the batting order 
so as Cobb couldn't make to many bases on a hit. 

Well Al I will have to cut it out for now because 
its pretty near time for chow and that's the name we 
got up out to Camp Grant for meals and now every- 
body in the army when they talk about food they 
call it chow. Your pal, 

Jac£. 



MANY A STORMY WIND 9 

On the Ship Board, Jan, 19. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al they Lave got a new 
-^ nickname for me and now they call me Jack 
Tar and Bob Lee got it up and I will tell you how 
it come off. Last night was one rough bird and I 
guess pretty near everybody on the boat were sick 
and Lee says to me how was it that I stood the 
rough weather so good and it didn't seem to effect 
me so I says it was probably on acct. of me going 
around the world that time with the two ball clubs 
and I was right at home on the water so he says 
"I guess we better call you Jack Tar." 

So that's how they come to call me Jack Tar and 
its a name they got for old sailors that's been all 
their life on the water. So on acct. of my name 
being Jack it fits in pretty good. 

Well a man can't help from feeling sorry for 
the boys that have not been across the old pond 
before and can't stand a little rough spell but it 
makes a man kind of proud to think the rough 
weather don't effect you when pretty near every- 
body else feels like a churn or something the minute 
a drop of water splashes vs. the side of the boat but 
still a man can't hardly help from laughing when 
they look at them. 

Lee says he would of thought I would of enlisted 
in the navy on acct. of being such a good sailor. 
Well I would of Al if I had knew they needed men 



10 THE REAL DOPE 

and I told Lee so and he said he thought the U. S. 
made a big mistake keeping it a secret that they did 
need men in the navy till all the good ones enlisted 
in the draft and then of course the navy had to take 
what they could get. 

Well I guess I all ready told you that one of the 
boys in our room is named Freddie Smith and he 
don't never say a word and I thought at 1st. it 
was because he was a kind of a bum like Hall that 
didn't know nothing and that's why he didn't say 
it but it seems the reason he don't talk more is be- 
cause he can't talk English very good but he is a 
Frenchman and he was a waiter in the big French 
resturent in Milwaukee and now what do you think 
Al he is going to learn Lee and I French lessons 
and Lee fixed it up with him. We want to learn 
how to talk a little so when we get there we can 
make ourself understood and you remember I 
started studing French out to Camp Grant but the 
man down there didn't know nothing about what he 
was talking about so I walked out on him but this 
bird won't try and learn us grammer or how you 
spell it or nothing like that but just a few words 
so as we can order drinks and meals and etc. when 
we get a leave off some time. Tonight we are 
going to have our 1st. lesson and with a man like 
he to learn us we ought to pick it up quick. 

Well old pal I will wind up for this time as I 
don't feel very good on acct, of something I eat 



MANY A STORMY WIND 11 

this noon and its a wonder a man can keep up at 
all where they got you in a stateroom jammed in 
like a sardine or something and Hall smokeing all 
the while like he was a freight engine pulling a 
freight train up grade or something. 

iYour pal, JIack. ^ 

On the Ship Board, Jan. W, 

JllRIEND AL: Just a line Al because I don't 
-* feel like writeing as I was taken sick last night 
from something I eat and who wouldn't be sick 
jammed in a room like a sardine. 

I had a kind of a run in with Hall because he 
tried to kid me about being sick with some of his 
funny stuff but I told him where to head in. He 
started out by saying to Lee that Jack Tar looked 
like somebody had knocked the tar out of him and 
after a while he says "What's the matter with the 
old salt tonight he don't seem to have no pepper 
with him." So I told him to shut up. 

Well we didn't have no French lesson on acct. of 
me being taken sick but we are going to have a 
lesson tonight and pretty soon I am going up and 
try and eat something and I hope they don't try 
and hand me no more of that canned beans or what- 
ever it was that effected me and if Uncle Sam 
wants his boys to go over there and put up a battle 
he shouldn't try and poison them first. 

Your pal, Jack. 



la THE REAL DOPE 

On the Ship Board, Jan, 21, 

jniRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to one 
•^ of the sailors named Doran to-day and he says 
in a day or 2 more we would be right in the danger 
zone where all the subs hangs out and then would 
come the fun and we would probably all have to 
keep our clothes on all night and keep our life belts 
on and I asked him if they was much danger with 
all them convoys guarding us and he says the subs 
might fire a periscope right between two of the con- 
voys and hit our ship and maybe the convoys might 
get them afterwards but then it would be to late. 

He said the last time he come over with troops 
they was two subs got after this ship and they shot 
two periscopes at this ship and just missed it and 
they seem to be laying for this ship because its one 
of the biggest and fastest the U. S. has got. 

Well I told Doran it wouldn't bother me to keep 
my clothes on all night because I all ready been 
keeping them on all night because when you have 
got a state room like ours they's only one place 
where they's room for a man's clothes and that's 
on you. 

Well old pal they's a whole lot of difference be- 
tween learning something from somebody that 
knows what they are talking about and visa versa. 
I and Lee and Smith got together in the room last 
night and we wasn't at it more than an hour but 



MANY A STORMY WIND 18 

I learned more then all the time I took lessons from 
that 4 flusher out to Camp Grant because Smith 
don't waist no time with a lot of junk about gram- 
mer but I or Lee would ask him what was the French 
for so and so and he would tell us and we would 
write it down and say it over till we had it down 
pat and I bet we could pretty near order a meal 
now without no help from some of these smart alex 
that claims they can talk all the languages in the 
world. 

In the 1st. place they's a whole lot of words in 
French that they's no difference you might say be- 
tween them from the way we say it like beef steak 
and beer because Lee asked him if suppose we went 
in somewheres and wanted a steak and bread and 
butter and beer and the French for and is und so 
we would say beef steak und brot mit butter 
schmieren und bier and that's all they is to it and 
I can say that without looking at the paper where 
we wrote it down and you can see I have got that 
much learned all ready so I wouldn't starve and 
when you want to call a waiter you call him kellner 
so you see I could go in a place in Paris and call 
a waiter and get everything I wanted. Well Al I 
bet nobody ever learned that much in 1 hour off 
that bird out to Camp Grant and I'll say its some 
speed. 

We are going to have another lesson tonight but 
Lee says we don't wajit to try and learn to much 



14i THE REAL DOPE 

at once or we will forget what we all ready learned 
and they's a good deal to that Al. 

Well Al its time for chow again so lebe wohl and 
that's the same like good by in French. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



On the Ship Board, Jem. 22, 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al we are in what they 
-^ call the danger zone and they's some excite- 
ment these days and at night to because they don't 
many of the boys go to sleep nights and they go 
to their rooms and pretend like they are going to 
sleep but I bet you wouldn't need no alarm clock 
to make them jump out of bed. 

Most of the boys stays out on deck most of the 
time and I been staying out there myself most all 
day today not because I am scared of anything 
because I always figure if its going to happen its 
going to happen but I stay out because it ain't 
near as cold as it was and besides if something is 
comeing off I don't want to miss it. Besides maybe 
I could help out some way if something did happen. 

Last night we was all out on deck in the dark 
talking about this and that and one of the boys 
I was standing along side of him made the remark 
that we had been out nine days and he didn't see 
no France yet or no signs of getting there so I said 



MANY A STORMY WIND IS 

no wonder when we had such a he — 11 of a censor 
ship and some other guy heard me say it so he said 
I better not talk like that but I didn't mean it like 
that but only how slow it was. 

Well we are getting along 0. K. with the French 
lessons and Bob Lee told me last night that he run 
across one of the two French officers that's on the 
ship and he thought he would try some of his 
French on him so he said something about it being 
a nice day in French and the Frenchman was tickled 
to death and smiled and bowed at him and I guess 
I will try it out on them the next time I see them. 

Well Al that shows we been learning something 
when the Frenchmans themself know what we are 
talking about and I and Lee will have the laugh 
on the rest of the boys when we get there that is 
if we do get there but for some reason another I 
have got a hunch that we won't never see France 
and I can't explain why but once in a while a man 
gets a hunch and a lot of times they are generally 
always right. Your pal. 

Jack. 



On the Ship Board, Jan, ^S. 

TflRIEND AL: Well Al I was just out on deck 
•^ with Lee and Sargent Bishop and Bishop is 
a sargent in our Co. and he said he had just came 
from Capt. Seeley and Capt. Seeley told him to tell 



10 THE REAL DOPE 

all the N. C. O. officers like sargents and corporals 
that if a sub got us we was to leave the privates 
get into the boats first before we got in and we 
wasn't to get into our boats till all the privates was 
safe in the boats because we would probably be 
cooler and not get all excited like the privates. 
So you see Al if something does happen us birds 
will have to take things in hand you might say 
and we will have to stick on the job and not think 
about ourselfs till everybody else is taken care of. 

Well Lee said that Doran one of the sailors told 
him something on the quiet that didn't never get 
into the newspapers and that was about one of the 
trips that come off in December and it seems like a 
whole fleet of subs got on to it that some transports 
was comeing so they layed for them and they shot 
a periscope at one of the transports and hit it 
square in the middle and it begun to sink right 
away and it looked like they wouldn't nobody get 
into the boats but the sargents and corporals was 
as cool as if nothing was comeing off and they 
quieted the soldiers down and finely got them into 
the boats and the N. C. O. officers was so cool and 
done so well that when Gen. Pershing heard about it 
he made this rule about the N. C. O. officer always 
waiting till the last so they could kind of handle 
things. But Doran also told Lee that they was 
some men sunk with the ship and they was all 
N. C. 0. officers except one sailor and of course the 



MANY A STORMY WIND 17 

ship sunk so quick that some of the corporals and 
sargents didn't have no time to get off on acct. of 
haveing to wait till the last. So you see that when 
you read the newspapers you don't get all the dope 
because they don't tell the reporters only what they 
feel like telling them. 

Well Al I guess I told you all ready about me 
haveing this hunch that I wouldn't never see France 
and I guess it looks now more then ever like my 
hunch was right because if we get hit I will have 
to kind of look out for the boys that's in my boat 
and not think about myself till everybody else is 
O. K. and Doran says if this ship ever does get 
hit it will sink quick because its so big and heavy 
and of course the heavier a ship is it will sink all 
the sooner and Doran says he knows they are laying 
for us because he has made five trips over and back 
on this ship and he never was on a trip when a sub 
didn't get after them. 

Well I will close for this time because I am not 
feeling very good Al and it isn't nothing I eat or 
like that but its just I feel kind of faint like I use to 
sometimes when I would pitch a tough game in 
St. Louis when it was hot or something. 

Your pal. Jack. 



18 THE REAL DOPE 

On the Ship Board, Jan, 28, 

JTTfRIEND AL: Well I all ready wrote you one 
-» letter today but I kind of feel like I better 
write to you again because any minute we are libel 
to hear a bang against the side of the boat and you 
know what that means and I have got a hunch that 
I won't never get off of the ship alive but will go 
down with her because I wouldn't never leave the 
ship as long as they was anybody left on her rules 
or no rules but I would stay and help out till every 
man was off and then of course it would be to late 
but any way I would go down feeling like I had 
done my duty. Well Al when a man has got a hunch 
like that he would be a sucker to not pay no tension 
to it and that is why I am writeing to you again 
because I got some things I want to say before 
the end. 

Now old pal I know that Florrie hasn't never 
warmed up towards you and Bertha and wouldn't 
never go down to Bedford with me and pay you a 
visit and every time I ever give her a hint that I 
would like to have you and Bertha come up and 
see us she always had some excuse that she was 
going to be busy or this and that and of course I 
knew she was trying to alibi herself and the truth 
was she always felt like Bertha and her wouldn't 
have nothing in common you might say because 



MANY A STORMY WIND 19 

Florrie has always been a swell dresser and cared 
a whole lot about how she looked and some way 
she felt like Bertha wouldn't feel comfortable 
around where she was at and maybe she was right 
but we can forget all that now Al and I can say 
one thing Al she never said nothing reflecting on 
you yourself in any way because I wouldn't of 
stood for it but instead of that when I showed her 
that picture of you and Bertha in your wedding 
suit she made the remark that you looked like one 
of the honest homely kind of people that their 
friends could always depend on them. Well Al 
when she said that she hit the nail on the head and 
I always knew you was the one pal who I could 
depend on and I am depending on you now and I 
know that if I am laying down at the bottom of the 
ocean tonight you will see that my wishs in this let- 
ter is carried out to the letter. 

What I want to say is about Florrie and little 
Al. Now don't think Al that I am going to ask 
you for financial assistants because I would know 
better then that and besides we don't need it on acct. 
of me having $10000 dollars soldier insurence in 
Florrie's name as the benefitter and the way she is 
coining money in that beauty parlor she won't 
need to touch my insurence but save it for little 
Al for a rainy day only I suppose that the minute 
she gets her hands on it she will blow it for widows 



gQ THE REAL DOPE 

weeds and I bet they will be some weeds Al and 
everybody will think they are flowers instead of 
weeds. 

But what I am getting at is that she won't need 
no money because with what I leave her and what 
she can make she has got enough and more then 
enough but I often say that money isn't the only 
thing in this world and they's a whole lot of things 
pretty near as good and one of them is kindness 
and what I am asking from you and Bertha is to 
drop in on her once in a while up in Chi and pay 
her a visit and I have all ready wrote her a letter 
telling her to ask you but even if she don't ask 
you go and see her any way and see how she is 
getting along and if she is takeing good care of 
the kid or leaving him with the Swede nurse all the 
while. 

Between you and I Al what I am scared of most 
is that Florrie's mind will be effected if anything 
happens to me and without knowing what she was 
doing she would probably take the first man that 
asked her and believe me she is not the kind that 
would have to wait around on no st. corner to catch 
somebody's eye but they would follow her around 
and nag at her till she married them and I would 
feel like he — 11 over it because Florrie is the kind of 
a girl that has got to be handled right and not 
only that but what would become of little Al with 



MANY A STORMY WIND 21 

some horse Dr. for a father in law and probably 
this bird would treat him like a dog and beat him 
up either that or make a sissy out of him. 

Well Al old pal I know you will do like I ask and 
go and see her and maybe you better go alone but 
if you do take Bertha along I guess it would be 
better and not let Bertha say nothing to her be- 
cause Florrie is the kind that flare up easy and 
specially when they think they are a little better 
then somebody. But if you could just drop her a 
hint and say that she should ought to be proud to 
be a widow to a husband that died for Uncle Sam 
and she ought to live for my memory and for little 
Al and try and make him as much like I as possible 
I believe it would make her think and any way I 
want you to do it for me old pal. 

Well good by old pal and I wished I could leave 
some thing to you and Bertha and believe me I 
would if I had ever known this was comeing off 
this way though of course I figured right along 
that I wouldn't last long in France because what 
chance has a corporal got.f* But I figured I would 
make some arrangements for a little present for 
you and Bertha as soon as I got to France but of 
course it looks now like I wouldn't never get there 
and all the money I have got is tied up so its to late 
to think of that and all as I can say is good luck 
to you and Bertha and everybody in Bedford and I 



22 THE REAL DOPE 

hope they will be proud of me and remember I 
done my best and I often say what more can a man 
do then that? 

Well Al I will say good by again and good luck 
and now have got to quit and go to chow. 
Your pal to the last, 

Jack Keefe. 



On the Ship Board, Jan, ^^. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well this has been some day 
•^ and wait till you hear about it and hear what 
come off and some of the birds on this ship took 
me for a sucker and tried to make a rummy out of 
me but I was wise to their game and I guess the 
shoe is on the other foot this time. 

Well it was early this a. m. and I couldn't sleep 
and I was up on deck and along come one of them 
French officers that's been on board all the way 
over. Well I thought I would try myself out on 
him like Lee said he done so I give him a salute and 
I said to him "Schones tag nicht wahr." Like you 
would say its a beautiful day only I thought I was 
saying it in French but wait till you hear about 
itAL 

Well Al they ain't nobody in the world fast 
enough to of caught what he said back to me and 
I won't never know what he said but I won't never 
forget how he looked at me and when I took one 



MANY A STORMY WIND g^ 

look at him I seen we wasn't going to get along 
very good so I turned around and started up the 
deck. Well he must of flagged the first man he 
seen and sent him after me and it was a 2d. lieut. 
and he come running up to me and stopped me and 
asked me what was my name and what Co. and etc. 
and at first I was going to stall and then I thought 
I better not so I told him who I was and he left 
me go. 

Well I didn't know then what was comeing off 
so I just layed low and I didn't have to wait around 
long and all of a sudden a bird from the Colonel's 
staff found me in the parlor and says I was wanted 
right away and when I got to this room there was 
the Col. and the two Frenchmans and my captain 
Capt. Seeley and a couple others so I saluted and 
I can't tell you exactly what come off because I 
can't remember all what the Colonel said but it 
was something like this. 

In the first place he says "Corporal Keefe they's 
some little matters that you have got to explain and 
we was going to pass them up first on the grounds 
that Capt. Seeley said you probably didn't know 
no better but this thing that come off this a. m. 
can't be explained by ignorants." 

So then he says "It was reported that you was 
standing on deck the night before last and you 
made the remark that we had a he — 11 of a censor 
ship." And he says "What did you mean by that.?" 



24 THE REAL DOPE 

So jou see Al this smart alex of a Lee had told 
me thej called the first ship the censor ship and I 
believed him at first because I was thinking about 
something else or of course I never would of be- 
lieved him because the censor ship isn't no ship 
like this kind of a ship but means something else. 
So I explained about that and I seen Capt. Seeley 
kind of crack a smile so then I knew I was O. K. 

So then he pulled it on me about speaking to 
Capt. Somebody of the French army in the German 
language and of course they was only one answer 
to that and you see the way it was Al all the time 
Smith was pretending to learn us French he was 
learning us German and Lee put him up to it but 
when the Colonel asked me what I meant by doing 
such a thing as talk German why of course I knew 
in a minute that they had been trying to kid me but 
at first I told the Colonel I couldn't of said no 
German because I don't know no more German than 
Silk O'Loughlin. Well the Frenchman was pretty 
sore and I don't know what would of came off only 
for Capt. Seeley and he spoke up and said to the 
Colonel that if he could have a few minutes to 
investigate he thought he could clear things up 
because he figured I hadn't intended to do nothing 
wrong and somebody had probably been playing 
jokes. 

So Capt. Seeley went out and it seemed like a 
couple of ^rs. till he came back and he had Smith 



MANY A STORMY WIND' ^S 

and Lee and Doran with him. So then them 3 
birds was up on the carpet and I'll say they got 
some panning and when it was all over the Colonel 
said something about they being a dam site to 
much kidding back and fourth going on and he 
hoped that before long we would find out that this 
war wasn't no practicle joke and he give Lee and 
Smith a fierce balling out and he said he would 
leave Capt. Seeley to deal with them and he would 
report Doran to the proper quarters and then he 
was back on me again and he said it looked like I 
had been the innocent victim of a practicle joke 
but he says "You are so dam innocent that I figure 
you are temperately unfit to hold on to a corporal's 
warrant so you can consider yourself reduced to the 
ranks. We can't have no corporals that if some 
comedian told them the Germans was now one of 
our allies they would try and get in the German 
trenches and shake hands with them." 

Well Al when it was all over I couldn't hardly 
keep from laughing because you see I come out of 
it O. K. and the laugh was on Smith and Lee and 
Doran because I got just what I wanted because 
I never did want to be a corporal because it meant I 
couldn't pal around with the boys and be their pals 
and I never felt right when I was giveing them 
orders because I would rather be just one of them 
and make them feel like we were all equals. 

Df course they wasn't no time on the whole trip 



m THE REAL DOPE 

when Lee or Doran or Smith either one of them 
had me fooled because just to look at them you 
would know they are the kind of smart alex that's 
always trying to put something over on somebody 
only I figured two could play at that game as good 
as one and I would kid them right back and give 
them as good as they sent because I always figure 
that the game ain't over till the ninth inning and 
the man that does the laughing then has got all 
the best of it. But at that I don't bear no bad 
will towards neither one of them and I have got 
a good notion to ask Capt. Seeley to let them off 
easy. 

Well Al this is a long letter but I wanted you to 
know I wasn't no corporal no more and if a sub 
hits us now Al I can hop into a boat as quick as I 
feel like it but jokeing a side if something like that 
happened it wouldn't make no difference to me if 
I was a corporal or not a corporal because I am a 
man and I would do my best and help the rest of 
the boys get into the boats before I thought about 
myself. Your pal, Jack. 

On the Ship Board, Jan. 25, 

jniRIEND AL: Well old pal just a line to let 
•^ you know we are out of the danger zone and 
pretty near in port and I can't tell you where we 
land at but everybody is hollering and the band's 



MANY A STORMY WIND S*? 

playing and I guess the boys feels a whole lot bet- 
ter then when we was out there where the subs could 
get at us but between you and I Al I never thought 
about the subs all the way over only when I heard 
somebody else talk about them because I always 
figure that if they's some danger of that kind the 
best way to do is just forget it and if its going 
to happen all right but what's the use of worrying 
about it? But I suppose lots of people is built 
different and they have just got to worry all the 
while and they get scared stiff just thinking about 
what might happen but I always say nobody ever 
got fat worrying so why not just forget it and 
take things as they come. 

Well old pal they's to many sights to see so I 
will quit for this time. Your pal, 

Jack. 



Somewheres m France, Jan, 26, 

WjlRIEND AL: Well old pal here we are and its 
■* against the rules to tell you where we are at 
but of course it don't take no Shylock to find out 
because all you would have to do is look at the 
post mark that they will put on this letter. 

Any way you couldn't pronounce what the town's 
name Is if you seen it spelled out because it isn't 
nothing like how its spelled out and you won't 
catch me trying to pronounce none of these names 



28 THE REAI; DOPE 

or talk French because I am off of languages for 
a while and good old American is good enough for 
me eh Al? 

Well Al now that its all over I guess we was 
pretty lucky to get across the old pond without 
no trouble because between you and I Al I heard 
just a little while ago from one of the boys that 
three nights ago we was attacked and our ship 
just missed getting hit by a periscope and the de- 
stroyers went after the subs and they was a whole 
flock of them and the reason we didn't hear nothing 
is that the death bombs don't go off till they are 
way under water so you can't hear them but be- 
tween you and I Al the navy men say they was 
nine subs sank. 

Well I didn't say nothing about it to the man 
who tipped me off but I had a hunch that night 
that something was going on and I don't remember 
now if it was something I heard or what it was but 
I knew they was something in the air and I was 
expecting every minute that the signal would come 
for us to take to the boats but they wasn't no ne- 
cessity of that because the destroyers worked so 
fast and besides they say they don't never give no 
alarm till the last minute because they don't want 
to get everybody up at night for nothing. 

Well any way its all over now and here we are 
and you ought to of heard the people in the town 
here cheer us when we come in and you ought to see 



MANY A STORMY WIND 29 

how the girls look at us and believe me Al they are 
some girls. Its a good thing I am an old married 
man or I believe I would pretty near be tempted to 
flirt back with some of the ones that's been trying 
to get my eye but the way it is I just give them 
a smile and pass on and the3^'s no harm in that 
and I figure a man always ought to give other 
people as much pleasure as you can as long as it 
don't harm nobody. 

Well Al everybody's busier then a chicken with 
their head off and I haven't got no more time to 
write. But when we get to where we are going I 
will have time maybe and tell you how we are get- 
ting along and if you want drop me a line and I 
wish you would send me the Chi papers once in a 
while especially when the baseball training trips 
starts but maybe they won't be no Jack Keefe to 
send them to by that time but if they do get me 
I will die fighting. You know me Al. 

Your pal, 

Jack. 



CHAPTER II 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 



Somewhere s m France, Feb, 2. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al here I am only I can't 
-^ tell you where its at because the censor rubs 
it out when you put down the name of a town and 
besides that even if I was to write out where we 
are at you wouldn't have no idear where its at be- 
cause how you spell them hasn't nothing to do 
with their name if you tried to say it. 

For inst. they's a town a little ways from us 
that when you say it its Lucy like a gal or some- 
thing but when you come to spell it out its Loucey 
like something else. 

Well Al any way this is where they have got 
us staying till we get called up to the front and 
I can't hardly wait till that comes off and some 
say it may be tomorrow and others say we are 
libel to be here a yr. Well I hope they are wrong 
because I would rather live in the trenches then one 
of these billets where they got us and between you 
and I Al its nothing more then a barn. Just think 
of a man like I Al thats been use to nothing only 
the best hotels in the big league and now they got 

30 



PRIVATE VALENTINE SI 

me staying In a barn like I was a horse or some- 
thing and I use to think I was cold when they had 
us sleeping with Imaginery blankets out to Camp 
Grant but I would prespire if I was there now after 
this and when we get through here they can send 
us up to the north pole in our undershirt and we 
would half to keep moping the sweat off of our 
forehead and set under a electric fan to keep from 
sweltering. 

Well they have got us pegged as horses all right 
not only because they give us a barn to live in but 
also from the way they sent us here from where we 
landed at in France and we made the trip in cattle 
cars and 1 of the boys says they must of got us 
mixed up with the calvary or something. It cer- 
tainly was some experience to be rideing on one of 
these French trains for a man that went back and 
fourth to the different towns in the big league and 
back in a special Pullman and sometimes 2 of them 
so as we could all have lower births. W^ell we 
didn't have no births on the French R. R. and it 
wouldn't of done us no good to of had them be- 
cause you wouldn't no sooner dose off when the en- 
gine would let off a screem that sounded like a 
woman that seen a snake and 1 of the boys says 
that on acct. of all the men being in the army they 
had women doing the men's work and judgeing by 
the noise they even had them whistleing for the 
crossings. 



32 THE REAL DOPE 

Well we finely got here any way and they signed 
us to our different billets and they's 20 of us in 
this one not counting a couple of pigs and god 
knows how many rats and a cow that mews all 
night. We haven't done nothing yet only look 
around but Monday we go to work out to the train- 
ing grounds and they say we won't only half to 
march 12 miles through the mud and snow to get 
there. Mean time we set and look out the cracks 
onto Main St. and every little wile they's a Co. of 
pollutes marchs through or a train of motor Lauras 
takeing stuff up to the front or bringing guys 
back that didn't duck quick enough and to see these 
Frenchmens march you would think it was fun but 
when they have been at it a wile they will loose 
some of their pep. 

Well its warmer in bed then setting here write- 
ing so I will close for this time. Your pal, 

Jack. 



Somewheres m France, Feb, 4„ 

rpRIEND AL: WeU Al I am writeing this in 
-^ the Y. M. C. A. hut where they try and keep 
it warm and all the boys that can crowd in spends 
most of their spare time here but we don't have 
much spare time at that because its always one 
thing another and I guess its just as well they keep 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 33 

us busy because every time they find out you are 
not doing nothing they begin vaxinating everybody. 

Thej^'s enough noise" in here so as a man can't 
hear yourself think let alone writeing a letter so if 
I make mistakes in spelling and etc. in this letter 
you will know why it is. They are singing the 
song now about the l3aby'& prayer at twilight where 
the little girl is supposed to be praying for her 
daddy that's a soldier to take care of himself but 
if she was here now she would be praying for him 
to shut up his noise. 

Well we was in the trenchs all day not the regular 
ones but the ones they got for us to train in them 
and they was a bunch of French officers trying to 
learn us how to do this in that and etc. and some 
of the time you could all most understand what 
they was trying to tell you and then it was stuff 
we learnt the first wk. out to Camp Grant and I 
suppose when they get so as they can speak a few 
words of English they will tell us we ought to 
stand up when we hear the Star spangle Banner. 
Well we was a pretty sight when we got back with 
the mud and slush and everything and by the time 
they get ready to call us into action they will half 
to page us in the morgue. 

About every 2 or 3 miles today we would pass 
through a town where some of the rest of the boys 
has got their billets only they don't call it miles in 



S4i THE REAL DOPE 

France because that's to easy to say but instead 
of miles they call them kilometts. But any way 
from the number of jerk water burgs we went 
through you would think we was on the Monon 
and the towns all looks so much like the other that 
when one of the French soldiers gets a few days 
leave off they half to spend most of it looking for 
land marks so as they will know if they are where 
they live. And they couldn't even be sure if it was 
warm weather and their folks was standing out in 
front of the house because all the family s is just 
alike with the old Mr. and the Mrs. and pigs and 
a cow and a dog. 

Well Al they say its pretty quite these days up 
to the front and the boys that's been around here a 
wile says you can hear the guns when they's some- 
thing doing and the wind blows this way but we 
haven't heard no guns yet only our own out to 
where we have riffle practice but everybody says 
as soon as spring comes and the weather warms up 
the Germans is sure to start something. Well I 
don't care if they start anything or not just so the 
weather warms up and besides they won't never 
finish what they start unless they start going back 
home and they won't even finish that unless they 
show a whole lot more speed then they did comeing. 
They are just trying to throw a scare into some- 
body with a lot of junk about a big drive they are 
going to make but I have seen birds come up to 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 35 

hit in baseball Al that was going to drive it out 
of the park but their drive turned out to be a hump 
back liner to the pitcher. I remember once when 
Speaker come up with a couple men on and we was 
2 runs ahead in the 9th. inning and he says to me 
''Well busher here is where I hit one a mile." Well 
Al he hit one a mile all right but it was l/^ a mile 
up and the other % a mile down and that's the way 
it goes with them gabby guys and its the same 
way with the Germans and they talk all the time 
so as they will get thirsty and that's how they 
like to be. 

Speaking about thirsty Al its different over here 
then at home because when a man in uniform wants 
a drink over here you don't half to hire no room in 
a hotel and put on your nightgown but you can 
get it here in your uniform only what they call 
beer here we would pore it on our wheat cakes at 
home and they got 2 kinds of wine red and white 
that you could climb outside of a bbl. of it with- 
out asking the head waiter to have them play the 
Rosery. But they say the champagne is O. K. and I 
am going to tackle it when I get a chance and you 
may think from that that I have got jack to throw 
away but over here Al is where they make the cham- 
pagne and you can get a qt. of it for about a 
buck or l/o what you would pay for it in the U. S. 
and besides that the money they got here is a frank 
instead of a dollar and a frank isn't only worth 



Sa THE REAL DOPE 

about J^.19 cents so a man can have a whole lot 
better time here and not cost him near as much. 

And another place where the people in France 
has got it on the Americans and that is that when 
they write a letter here they don't half to pay noth- 
ing to mail it but when you write to me you have 
got to stick a 5 cent stamp on it but judgeing by 
the way you answer my letters the war will be all 
over before you half to break a dime. Of course 
I am just jokeing Al and I know why you don't 
write much because you haven't got nothing to 
write staying there in Bedford and you could take 
a post card and tell me all the news that happened 
in 10 yrs, and still have room enough yet to say 
Bertha sends kind regards. 

But of course its different with a man like I be- 
cause I am always where they is something big 
going on and first it was baseball and now its a 
bigger game yet you might say but whatever is 
going on big you can always count on me being 
in the mist of it and not buried alive in no Indiana 
X roads where they still think the first bounce is 
out. But of course I know it is not your fault 
that you haven't been around and seen more and it 
ain't every man that can get away from a small 
town and make a name for themself and I suppose 
I ought to consider myself lucky. 

Well Al enough for this time and I will w^ite 
soon again and I would like to hear from you even 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 3T 

if you haven't nothing to say and don't forget to 
send me a Chi paper when you get a hold of one 
and I asked Florrie to send me one every day but 
asking her for favors is hke rolling off a duck's 
back you might say and its first in one ear and 
then the other. Your pal, 

Jack. 



SomewJieres m France, Teh. 7, 

TTfRIEND AL: 1 suppose you have read arti- 
-^ cles in the papers about the war that's wrote 
over here by reporters and the way they do it is 
they find out something and then write it up and 
send it by cablegrams to their papers and then 
they print it and that's what you read in the papers. 
Well Al they's a whole flock of these here re- 
porters over here and I guess they's one for every 
big paper in the U. S. and they all wear bands 
around their sleeves with a C on them for civilian 
or something so as you can spot them comeing and 
keep your mouth shut. Well they have got their 
head quarters in one of the towns along the line 
but they ride all over the camp in automobiles and 
this evening I was outside of our billet and one of 
them come along and seen me and got out of his 
car and come up to me and asked if I wasn't Jack 
Keefe the White Sox pitcher. Well Al he writes 
for one of the Chi papers and of course he knows 



S8 THE REAL DOPE 

all about me and has seen me work. Well He asked 
me a lot of questions about this in that and I didn't 
give him no military secrets but he asked me how 
did I like the army game and etc. 

I asked him if he was going to mention about 
me being here in the paper and he says the censors 
wouldn't stand for mentioning no names until you 
get killed because if they mentioned your name the 
Germans would know who all was here but after 
you are dead the Germans don't care if you had 
been here or not. 

But he says he would put it in the paper that he 
was talking to a man that use to be a star pitcher 
on the White Sox and he says everybody would 
know who it was he was talking about because they 
wasn't such a slue of star pitchers in the army 
that it would take a civil service detective to find 
out who he meant. 

So we talked along and finely he asked me was 
I going to write a book about the war and I said 
no and he says all right he would tell the paper 
that he had ran across a soldier that not only use 
to be a ball player but wasn't going to write a book 
and they would make a big story out of it. 

So I said I wouldn't know how to go about it to 
write a book but when I went around the world with 
the 2 ball clubs that time I use to write some poul- 
try once in a wile just for different occasions like 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 39 

where the boys was called on for a speech or some- 
thing and they didn't know what to say so I would 
make up one of my poems and the people would 
go nuts over them. 

So he said why didn't I tear off a few patriotic 
poems now and slip them to him and he would send 
them to his paper and they would print them and 
maybe if some of them was good enough somebody 
would set down and write a song to them and prob- 
ably everybody would want to buy it and sing it 
like Over There and I would clean up a good peace 
of jack. 

Well Al I told him I would see If I could think 
up something to write and of course I was just 
stalling him because a soldier has got something 
better to do than write songs and I will leave that to 
the birds that was gun shy and stayed home. But 
if 3^ou see in the Chi papers where one of the re- 
porters was talking to a soldier that use to be a 
star pitcher in the American League or something 
you will know who they mean. He said he would 
drop by in a few days again and see if I had some- 
thing wrote up for him but I will half to tell him 
I have been to busy to monkey with it. 

As far as I can see they's enough songs all ready 
wrote up about the war so as everybody in the army 
and navy could have 1 a peace and still have a few 
left over for the boshs and that's a name we got up 



40 THE REAL DOPE 

for the Germans Al and instead of calling them 
Germans we call them boshs on acct. of them being 
so full of bunk. 

Well Al one of the burgs along the line is where 
Jonah Vark was born when she was alive. It seems 
like France was mixed up in another war along 
about a 100 yrs. ago and they was getting licked 
and Jonah was just a young gal but she dressed 
up in men's coat and pants and went up to the front 
and led the charges with a horse and she carried a 
white flag and the Dutchmens or whoever they was 
fighting against must of thought it was a flag of 
truants and any way they didn't fire at them and 
the French captured New Orleans and win the war. 
The Germans is trying to pull the same stuff on our 
boys now and lots of times they run up and holler 
Conrad like they was going to give up and when 
your back is turned they whang away at you but 
they won't pull none of that stuff on me and when 
one of them trys to Conrad me I will perculate them 
with a bayonet. 

Well Al the boys is starting their choir practice 
and its good night and some times I wished I was a 
deef and dumb mutr and couldn't hear nothing. 

Your pal^ Jack. 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 41 

Somewheres in France, Feb. 9, 

rpRIEND AL: Well Al I didn't have nothing 
■^ to do last night and I happened to think about 
that reporter and how he would be comeing along 
in a few days asking for that poultry. 

I figured I might as well set down and write him 
up a couple verses because them fellows is hard up 
for articles to send their paper because in the first 
place we don't tell them nothing so they could write 
it up and when they write it the censors smeers out 
everything but the question marks and dots but of 
course they would leave them send poems because 
the Germans couldn't make head or tale out of them. 
So any way I set down and tore off S verses and he 
says they ought to be something about a gal in it so 
here is what I wrote : 

Near a year ago today 

Pres. Wilson of the U. S. 'A. 

had something to say, 

"Germany you better keep away 

This is no time for play" 

When it come time to go 

America was not slow 

Each one ^aid good by to their girl so dear 

And some of them has been over here 

since last year. 



4a THE REAL DOPE 

/ will come home "when the war is over 

Back to the U. S, A. 

So don't worry little girlie 

And now we are going to Berlin 

And when we the Kaiser sJcin 

and, the war we will win 

And make the Kaiser jump out of his skin. 

The ones that stays at home 
Can subscribe to the liberty loan 
And some day we will come home 
to the girles thafs left alone 
Old Kaiser Bill is up against it 
For all are doing their bit, 
Pres. Wilson says the stars and stripes 
Will always fight for their rights. 

That's what I tore off and when he comes around 
again I will have it for him and if you see it in the 
Chi papers you will know who wrote it up and 
maybe somebody will write a song to it but of course 
they can't sign my name to it unless I get killed 
or something but I guess at that they ain't so many 
soldiers over here that can turn out stuff like that 
but what my friends won't be pretty sure who 
wrote it. 

But if something does happen to me I wished you 
would kind of keep your eyes pealed and if the 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 43 

song comes out try and see that Florrie gets some 
jack out of it and I haven't wrote nothing to her 
about it because she is hke all other wifes and when 
somebodys else husband pulls something its O. K. 
but if their own husband does it he must of had a 
snoot full. 

Well today was so rotten that they didn't make 
us go nowheres and I'll say its got to be pretty 
rotten when they do that and the meal they give 
us tonight wouldn't of bulged out a grandaddy 
long legs and I and my buddy Frank Carson was 
both hungry after we eat and I suppose you will 
wonder what do I mean by buddy. Well Al that's a 
name I got up for who ever you pal around with or 
bunk next to them and now everybody calls their 
pal their buddy. Well any way he says why didn't 
we go over to the Red X canteen resturent and buy 
ourself a feed so we went over and its a little shack 
where the Red X serves you a pretty good meal for 

1 frank and that's about $.19 cents and they don't 
try and make no profits on it but just run them so 
as a man don't half to go along all the wile on what 
the army hands out to you. 

Well they was 3 janes on the job over there and 

2 of them would be safe anywheres you put them 
but the other one is Class A and her old woman 
must of been pie eyed when she left her come over 
here. Well Carson said she belonged to him because 
he had seen her before and besides I was a married 



M THE REAL DOPE 

man so I says all right go ahead and get her. Well 
Al it would be like Terre Haute going after George 
Sisler or somebody and the minute we blowed in 
she didn't have eyes for only me but I wasn't going 
to give her no encouragement because we were here 
to kill Germans and not ladys but I wished you 
could of seen the smile she give me. Well she's 
just as much a American as I or you but of course 
Carson had to be cute and try to pull some of his 
French on her so he says Bon soir Madam Moselle 
and that is the same like we would say good evening 
but when Carson pulled it I spoke up and said 
"If your bones is soir why don't you go and take 
the baths somewhere.'^" Pretending like I thought 
he meant his bones were sore. Well the little lady 
got it O. K. and pretty near laughed outright. You 
see Al when a person has got rhuematism they go 
and take the baths like down to Mudlavia so I 
meant if his bones was sore he better go somewheres 
like that. So the little lady tried to not laugh on 
acct. of me being a stranger but she couldn't hardly 
help from busting out and then I smiled at her back 
and after that Carson might as well of been mow- 
ing the lawn out in Nobody's Land. I felt kind of 
sorry the way things broke because here he is a 
man without no home ties and of course I have all 
ready got a wife but Miss Moselle didn't have no 
eyes for him and that's the way it goes but what can 
a man do and Carson seen how it was going and 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 45 

says to me right in front of her "Have you heard 
from your Mrs. since we been over?" And I didn't 
dast look up and see how she took it. 

W^ell they set us up a pretty good feed and the Ht- 
tle lady kept asking us questions like how long had 
we been here and what part of the U. S. we come from 
and etc. and finely Carson told her who I was and she 
popped her eyes out and says she use to go to the 
ball games once in a wile in N. Y. city with her old 
man and she didn't never think she would meet a 
big league pitcher and talk to them and she says 
she wondered if she ever seen me pitch. Well I 
guess if she had she would remember it specially in 
N. Y. because there was one club I always made 
them look like a fool and they wasn't the only club 
at that and I guess they's about 6 other clubs in 
the American League that if they had seen my name 
in the dead they wouldn't shed off enough tears to 
gum up the infield. 

Well when we come out she asked us would we 
come again and we said yes but I guess its best for 
both she and I if I stay away but I said we would 
come again to be polite so she said au revoir and 
that's like you would say so long so I said au reser- 
voir pretending like I didn't know the right way 
to say it but she seen I was just kidding and 
laughed and she is the kind of a gal that gets every- 
thing you pull and bright as a whip and her and I 
would make a good team but of course they's no 



'46 THE REAL DOPE 

use talking about it the way I am tied up so even 
when I'm sick in tired of the regular rations I won't ^ 
dast go over there for a feed because it couldn't 
do nothing only harm to the both of us and the 
best way to do with those kind of affairs is to cut 
it out before somebody gets hurt. 

Well its time to hop into the feathers and I only 
wished it was feathers but feathers comes off a 
chicken or something and I guess these matteresses 
we got is made out to Gary or Indiana Harbor or 
somewheres. Your pal, Jack. 



Somewheres in Trance, Feb, 11. 

TTfRIEND AL : Well Al they's several of the boys 
-^ that won't need no motor Laura to carry their 
pay for the next couple mos. and if you was to men- 
tion champagne to them they would ask for a bar- 
rage. I was over to the Y. M. C. A. hut last night 
and when I come back I wished you could of seen 
my buddys and they was 2 of them that was still able 
to talk yet and they was haveing a argument be- 
cause one of them wanted to pore some champagne 
in a dish so as the rats would get stewed and the 
other bird was trying to not let him because he said 
it always made them mean and they would go home 
and beat up their Mrs. 

It seems like one of the boys had a birthday and 
his folks is well off and they had sent him some 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 47 

jack from the states to buy blankets and etc. with 
it and he thought it would be a sucker play to load 
up with bed close when spring was comeing so he 
loaded up with something else and some of the boys 
with him and for 50 or 60 franks over here you 
can get enough champagne to keep the dust layed 
all summer and of course some of the boys hadn't 
never tasted it before and they thought you could 
bathe in it like beer. They didn't pay no more 
tension to revelry this a. m. then if they was a corps 
and most of them was at that and out of the whole 
bunch of us they was only 7 that didn't get re- 
ported and the others got soaked 2 thirds of their 
pay and confined to their quarters and Capt. Seeley 
says if they was any more birthdays in his Co. we 
wouldn't wind the celebration up till sunrise and 
then it would be In front of a fireing squad. Well 
Al if the boys can't handle it no better then that 
they better leave it alone and just because its cheap 
that's no reason to try and get it all at once because 
the grapes will still be growing over here yet when 
all us birds takes our teeth off at night with our 
other close. 

Well Al the reporter that asked me to write up 
the verses ain't been around since and probably he 
has went up to the front or somewheres and I am 
glad of it and I hope he forgets all about it be- 
cause in the first place I am not one of the kind 
that is crazy to get in the papers and besides I am 



48 THE REAL DOPE 

to busy to be monking with stuff like that. Yes 
they keep us on the jump all the wile and we are 
pretty well wore out when night comes around but 
a man wouldn't mind it if we was learning some- 
thing but the way it is now its like as if we had 
graduated from college and then they sent us to 
kindegarden and outside of maybe a few skulls the 
whole regt. is ready right now to get up there in 
the trenches and show them something and I only 
wished we was going tomorrow but I guess some of 
the boys would like it to never go up there but 
would rather stay here in this burg and think they 
was haveing a good time kidding with the French 
gals and etc. but that's no business for a married 
man and even if I didn't have no family the French 
gals I seen so far wouldn't half to shew me away 
and I been hearing all my life what swell dressers 
they was but a scout for the Follys wouldn't waist 
no time in this burg. 

But I'm sick in tired of the same thing day in 
and day out and here we been in France 2 wks. and 
all we done is a little riffle practice and stuff we had 
back home and get soping wet every day and no 
mail and I wouldn't wonder if Florrie and little Al 
had forgot all about me and if Secty. Daniels wired 
them that Jack Keefe had been killed they would 
say who and the hell is he. 

So all and all they can't send us up to the front 
to quick and it seems like a shame that men like I 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 49 

should be held back just because they's a few birds 
in the regt. that can't put on a gas mask jet with- 
out triping themself up. Your pal, 

Jack. 



Somewheres in France, Feb, 13, 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al wait till you hear this 
-^ and I bet you will pop your eyes out. I 
guess I all ready told you about Miss Moselle the 
little lady over to the Red X canteen. Well I was 
over there the day before yesterday and she wasn't 
around nowheres and I was glad of it because I 
didn't want to see her and just dropped in there to 
get something to eat and today I was in there again 
and this time she was there and she smiled when 
she seen me and come up and begin talking and 
she asked me how I liked it and I said I would like 
it a whole lot better if we was in the fighting and 
she asked me if I didn't like this town and I said 
well no I wasn't nuts about it and she said she 
didn't think I was very complementary so then I 
seen she wanted to get personal. 

Well Al she knows I am a married man because 
Carson just as good as told her so I didn't see no 
harm in kidding her along a wile so I give her a 
smile and said well you know the whole town ain't 
like you and she blushed up and says "Well I 
didn't expect nothing like that from a great base- 



50 THE REAL DOPE 

ball pitcher" so you see Al she had been makeing 
inquirys about me. So I said "Well they was only 
one pitcher I ever heard of that couldn't talk and 
that was Dummy Taylor but at that they's a whole 
lot of them that if they couldn't say my arm's 
sore they might as well be tongue tied." But I 
told her I wasn't one of those kind and I guest 
when it came to talking I could give as good as I 
sent and she asked me was I a college man and I 
kidded her along and said yes I went to Harvard 
and she said what year so I told her I was there 
2 different yrs. and we talked along about this in 
that and I happened to have them verses in my 
pocket that I wrote up and they dropped out when 
I was after my pocket book and she acted like she 
wanted to know what the writeing was so I showed 
them to her. 

Well Al I wished you could of seen how supprised 
she was when she read them and she says "So you 
are a poet." So I said "Yes I am a poet and don't 
know it" so that made her laugh and I told her 
about the reporter asking me to write some poems 
and then she asked me if she could keep a_hold of 
those ones till she made out a copy of them to 
keep for herself and I said "You can keep that 
copy and pretend like I was thinking of you when 
I wrote them." Well Al I wished you could of seen 
her then and she couldn't say nothing at first but 
finely she says tomorrow was valentine day and the 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 51 

verses would do for a valentine so just jokemg I 
asked her if she wouldn't rather have a comical 
valentine and she says those ones would do O. K. 
so then I told her I would write her a real valentine 
for herself but I might maybe not get it ready in 
time to give her tomorrow and she says she realized 
it took time and any time would do. 

Well of course I am not going to write up noth- 
ing for her and after this I will keep away from 
the canteen because it isn't right to leave her see 
to much of me even if she does know I am married 
but if I do write her something I will make it com- 
ical and no mushy stuff in it. But it does seem 
like fate or something that the harder I try and 
not get mixed up in a flirtation I can't turn around 
you might say but what they's some gal poping 
up on m,y trail and if it was anybody else only Miss 
Moselle I wouldn't mind but she is a darb and I 
wouldn't do nothing to hurt her for the world but 
they can't nobody say this is my fault. 

Well Al I pretty near forgot to tell you that 
the boys is putting on a entertainment over to the 
Y. M. C. A. Saturday night and they will be sing- 
ing and gags and etc. and they asked me would I 
give them a little talk on baseball and I said no at 
first but they begged me and finely I give my con- 
sent but you know how I hate makeing speeches 
and etc. but a man don't hardly feel like refuseing 
when they want me so bad so I am going to give 



52 THE REAL DOPE 

them a little talk on my experiences and make it 
comical and I will tell you about the entertainment 
when its over. Your pal, Jack. 

^omewheres in France, Feb. 15. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al I just been over to the 
-»■ canteen and I give the little lady the valen- 
tine I promised to write up for her and I wasn't 
going to write it up only I happened to remember 
that I promised so I wrote something up and I was 
going to make it comical but I figured that would 
disappoint her on acct. of the way she feels towards 
me so here is what I wrote up. 

To Miss Moselle 
(Private) 
A soldier don't have much time 
To set down and write up a valentine 
but please bear in mind 
That I think about you many a time 
And I wished I could call you mine 
And I hope they will come a time 
When I will have more time 
And then everything will be fine 
And if you will be my valentine 
I will try cmd show you a good time. 

Well after I had wrote it I thought I better have 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 5S 

it fixed up like a valentine and they's one of the 
boys in our Co. named Stoops that use to be a 
artist so I had him draw me a couple of hearts with 
a bow and arrow sticking through them and a few 
flowers on a peace of card board and I coppied off 
the valentine on the card in printing and stuck it 
in a envelope and took it over to her and I didn't 
wait for her to open it up and look at it and I just 
says here is that valentine I promised you and its 1 
day late and she blushed up and couldn't say noth- 
ing and I come away. Well Al she has read it by 
this time and I hope she don't take nothing I said 
serious but of course she knows I am a married 
man and she can read between the lines and see 
where I am trying to let her down easy and telling 
her to not expect no more tensions from me and 
its just like saying good by to her in a way only 
not as rough as comeing right out and saying it. 
But I won't see her no more and its all over before 
it begun you might say. 

Well we passed some German prisoners today and 
believe me we give them a ride. Everybody called 
them Heinie and Fritz and I seen one of them give- 
ing me a look like he was wondring if all the U. S. 
soldiers was big stroppers like I but I stuck out my 
tongue at him and said "What do you think you 
are looking at you big pretzel" arrd he didn't dast 
say nothing back. Well they was a fine looking 
gang and they's been a lot of storys going the 



54 THE REAL DOPE 

rounds about no soap in Germany, Well Al its 
all true. 

Well I finely got a letter from Florrie that is if 
you could call it a letter and to read it you wouldn't 
never guess that she had a husband over here in 
France and maybe never see him again but you 
would think I had went across the st. to get a bot- 
tle of ketchup and all as she said about little Al 
was that he needed a new pair of shoes and they's 
about as much news in that as if she said he woke 
up in the night. And the rest of the letter was 
about how good she was doing in the beauty par- 
lor and for me not to worry about her because she 
was O. K. onl}^ for a callous on her heel and I sup- 
pose she will go to the hospital with it and here 
I am with so many of them that if they was worth 
a frank a peace I could pay the Kaiser's gas bill. 
And she never asked me did I need anything or how 
was I getting along. And she enclosed a snapshot 
of herself in one of these here war bride outfits and 
she looks so good in it that I bet she goes to church 
every Sunday and asks god to prolongate the war. 

Your pal, Jack. 



PRIVATE VALENTINE d5 

Somewheres m France, Feb, 16. 

WTfRIEND AL: Well Al they's a certain bird in 
-^ this camp that if I ever find out who he is they 
won't need no tonnages to carry him back when the 
war's over. Let me tell you what come off tonight 
and what was pulled off on the little lady and I 
and if you read about me getting in front of the 
court marshall for murder you will know how it 
come off. 

I guess I all ready told you about the show that 
was comeing off tonight and they asked me to make 
a little talk on baseball. Well they was as many 
there as could crowd in and the band played and 
they was singing and gags and storys and etc. and 
they didn't call on me till pretty near the last. 
Well Al you ought to of heard the crowd when I 
got up there and it sounded like old times to have 
them all cheering and clapping and I stepped to the 
front of the platform and give them a bow and it 
was the first time I was ever on the stage but I 
wasn't scared only at first. 

Well I had wrote out what I was going to say 
and learnt the most of it by heart and here is what 
I give them only I won't give you only part of it 
because it run pretty long. 

"Gentlemen and friends. I am no speech maker 
and I guess if I had to make speeches for a liveing 
I am afraid I couldn't do it but the boys is anxious 



56 THE REAL DOPE 

I should say a few words about baseball and I didn't 
want to disappoint them. They may be some of 
you boys that has not followed the great American 
game very close and maybe don't know who Jack 
Keefe is. Well gentlemen I was boughten from 
Terre Haute in the Central League by that grand 
old Roman Charley Comiskey owner of the Chicago 
White Sox in 1913 and I been in the big league 
ever since except one year I was with Frisco and 
I stood that league on their head and Mr. Comiskey 
called me back and I was still starring with the 
Chicago White Sox when Uncle Sam sent out the 
call for men and I quit the great American game 
to enlist in the greatest game of all the game we 
are pla3dng against the Kaiser and we will win this 
game like I have win many a game of baseball be- 
cause I was to fast for them and used my brains 
and it will be the same with the Kaiser and America 
will fight to the drop of the hat and make the world 
safe for democracy." 

WeU Al I had to stop S or 3 minutes while they 
give me a hand and they clapped and hollered at 
pretty near everything I said. So I said "This 
war reminds me a good deal like a incident that 
happened once when I was pitching against the 
Detroit club. No doubt you gentlemen and officers 
has heard of the famous Hughey Jennings and 
his eeyah and on the Detroit club is also the famous 
Tyrus Cobb the Georgia Peach as he is called and 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 57 

I want to pay him a tribute right here and say he 
is one of the best ball players in the American 
League and a great hitter if you don't pitch just 
right to him. One cime we was in Detroit for a 
serious of games and we had loose the first two 
games do to bad pitching and the first game Eddie 
Cicotte didn't have nothing and the second game 
Faber was in the same boat so on this morning I 
refer to Manager Rowland come up to me in the 
lobby of the Tuller hotel and said how do you feel 
Jack and I said 0. K. Clarence why do you ask? 
And he said well we have loose S games here and 
we have got to grab this one this p. m. and if you 
feel O. K. I will work you because I know you 
have got them licked as soon as you walk out there. 
So I said all right Clarence you can rely on me. 
And that p. m. I give them S hits and shut them 
out and Cobb come up in the ninth innings with 
two men on bases and two men out and Ray Schalk 
our catcher signed me for a curve ball but I shook 
my head and give him my floater and the mighty 
Cobb hit that ball on a line to our right fielder 
Eddie Murphy and the game was over. 

"This war is a good deal like baseball gentlemen 
because it is stratejy that wins and no matter how 
many soldiers a gen. has got he won't get nowheres 
without he uses his brains and its the same in base- 
ball and the boys that stays In the big league is 
the boys that can think and when this war is over 



58 THE REAL DOPE 

I hope to go back and begin where I left off and 
win a pennant for Charley Comiskey the old Roman 
in the American League." 

Well Al they was a regular storm when I got 
through and I bowed and give them a smile and 
started off of the platform but a sargent named 
Avery from our Co. stopped me and set me down 
in a chair and says I was to wait a minute and I 
thought of course they was going to give me a cup 
or something though I didn't expect nothing of 
the kind but I hadn't no sooner set down when 
Sargent Avery stepped up to the front of the plat- 
form and says "Gentlemen I want to say to you 
that Private Jack Keefe the great stratejest is not 
only a great pitcher and a great speech maker but 
he is also a great poet and if you don't believe me 
I will read you this beautiful valentine that he 
wrote to a certain lady that we all admire and who 
was in the Red X canteen up till ttday when she 
went back to Paris to resume other dutys." 

Well before I could make a move he read that 
crazy valentine and of course they wasn't a word 
in it that I was serious when I wrote it and it was 
all a joke with me only not exactly a joke neither 
because I was really trying to let the little lady 
down easy and tell her good by between the lines 
without being rough with it. But of course these 
boobs pretended like they thought I meant it all 
and was love sick or something and they hollered 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 69 

like a bunch of Indians and clapped and razed 
he— 11. 

Well Al I didn't get a chance to see Sargent 
Avery after it was over because he blowed right out 
but I will see him tomorrow and I will find out from 
him who stole that poem from Miss Moselle and I 
wouldn't be supprised if the reason she blowed to 
Paris was on acct. of missing the poem and figure- 
ing some big bum had stole it oif her and they 
would find out her secret and make things misable 
for her and the chances is that's why she blowed. 
Well wait till I find out who done it and they will 
be one less snake in this regt. and the sooner you 
weed those kind of birds out of the army you will 
get somewheres and if you don't you won't. 

But the poor little lady Al I can't help from feel- 
ing sorry for her and I only wished I could go to 
Paris and find her and tell her to not worry though 
of course its best if she don't see me again but I'm 
sorry it had to come off this way. Your pal, 

Jack. 



Somewheres in France, Feh. 18, 

FRIEND AL: Well Al this may be the last 
letter you will ever get from me because I am 
waiting now to find out what they are going to do 
with me and I will explain what I mean. 

Yesterday a. m. I seen Sargent Avery and I 



60 THE REAL DOPE 

asked him if I could talk to him a minute and he 
says yes and I said I wanted to find out from him 
who stole that valentine from Miss Moselle. So he 
says "Who is Miss Moselle?" So I said "Why that 
little lady in the canteen that's blowed to Paris." 
So he says "Well that little lady's name isn't Miss 
Moselle but her name is Ruth Palmer and she is the 
daughter of one of the richest birds in N. Y. city 
and they wasn't nobody stole no valentine from her 
because she give the valentine to me before she left." 
So I said "What do you mean she give it to you?" 
So he says "I mean she give it to me and when she 
give it to me she said us birds was in the same Co. 
with a poet and didn't know it and she thought it 
was about time we was finding it out. So she 
laughed and give me the valentine and that's the 
whole story." 

Well Al I had a 20 frank note on me and I asked 
Sargent Avery if he wouldn't like some champagne 
and he said no he wouldn't. But that didn't stop me 
Al and I got all I could hold onto and then some 
and I snuck in last night after lights out and I 
don't know if anybody was wise or not but if they 
are its libel to go hard with me and Capt. Seeley 
said something about the fireing squad for the next 
bird that cut loose. 

Well I reported sick this a. m. and they could 
tell to look at me that it wasn't no stall so I'm here 
and the rest of the boys is gone and I am waiting 



PRIVATE VALENTINE 61 

for them to summons me before the court marshall. 
But listen Al if they do like Capt. Seeley said you 
can bet that before they get me I will get some of 
these birds that's been calling me Private Valentine 
ever since Saturday night. Your pal, 

Jack. 



CHAPTER III 



STRAGETl AND TRAGEDY 



Somewlieres in France, March 2, 

TjlRIENB AL: Well Al if it rains a couple 
-^ more days like its been they will half to page 
the navy and at that its about time they give them 
something to do and I don't mean the chasers and 
destroyers and etc. that acts like convoys for our 
troop ships and throws them death bombs at the U 
boats but I mean the big battle ships and I bet you 
haven't heard of a supper dread doing nothing 
since we been in the war and they say they can't do 
nothing till the German navy comes out and that's 
what they're waiting for. Well Al that's a good 
deal like waiting for the 30nd. of Feb. or for 
Jennings to send his self up to hit for Cobb and 
they can say all they want about the Germans being 
bullet proof from the neck up but they got some 
brains and you can bet their navy ain't comeing 
out no more then my hair. So as far as I can see 
a man being on a supper dread is just like you 
owned a private yatch without haveing to pay for 
the keep up and when they talk about a man on a 

6^ 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 6S 

big U. S. battle ship in clanger they mean he might 
maybe die because he eat to much and no exercise. 

So if I was them I would send the big ships here 
so as we could use them for motor Lauras and I 
guess they's no place in our whole camp where you 
couldn't float them and I don't know how it is all 
over France but if they was a baseball league be- 
tween the towns where they have got us billeted the 
fans would get blear eyed looking at the no game 
sign and if a mgr. worked their pitchers in turn 
say it was my turn tomorrow and the next time my 
turn come around some of little Al's kids would half 
to help me out of the easy chair and say "Come on 
granpa you pitch this afternoon." 

Jokeing a side Al if I was running the training 
camps like Camp Grant back home instead of start- 
ing the men off with the regular drills and hikes 
like they give them now I would stand them under 
a shower bath with their close on about % the 
time and when it come time for a hike I would send 
them back and fourth across Rock River and back 
where they wasn't no bridge. And then maybe 
when they got over here France wouldn't be such 
a big supprise. 

One of the boys has put a sign up on our billet 
and it says Noahs Ark on it and maybe you have 
heard that old gag Al about the big flood that 
everybody was drownded only Noah and his folks 
and a married couple of every kind of animals in 



64i THE REAL DOPE 

the world and they wasn't drownded because Noah 
had a Ark for them to get in out of the wet. Well 
Noahs Ark is a good name for our dump and be- 
lieve me they haven't none of the animals been over- 
looked and we are also going Noah one better and 
sheltering all the bugs and some of them is dressed 
in cocky. 

Well I am in this war to the finish and you 
couldn't hire me to quit till we have ran them ragged 
but I wished they had of gave us steel helmets wide 
enough so as they would make a bumber shoot and 
I hope the next war they have they will pick out 
Arizona to have it there. Your pal, 

Jack. 



"Somewheres in France, March 6. 

WTfRIEND AL: Well Al I suppose you have 
■^ read in the communicates that comes out in 
the paper where the Americans that's all ready in 
the trenchs has pulled off some great stuff and a 
whole lot of them has been sighted and give meddles 
and etc. by the Frenchmens for what they have 
pulled off and the way they work it Al when one 
of the soldiers wrists his life or something and pulls 
off something big like takeing a mess of prisoners 
and bringing them back here where they can get 
something to eat the French pins a meddle on them 
and sometimes they do it if you don't do nothing 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 65 

but die only then of course they send it to your 
family so as they will have something to show their 
friends besides snapshots of Mich. City. 

Well we was kidding back and fourth about it 
today and one of the smart alex in our Co. a bird 
named Johnny Alcock that is always trying to kid 
somebody all the time he said to me "Well I sup- 
pose they will half to build more tonnages to carry 
all the meddles you will win back to the states." 
So I said "Well I guess I will win as many of them 
as you will win." That shut him up for a wile but 
finely he says "You have got enough chest to wear 
a whole junk shop on it." So I said "Well I am not 
the baby that can't win them." So he says "If you 
ever happen to be snooping around the bosh trenchs 
when Fritz climbs over the top you will come back 
so fast that the Kaiser will want to know who was 
that speed merchant that led the charge and deco- 
rate you with a iron cross." So I said "I will deco- 
rate you right in the eye one of these days." So 
he had to shut up and all the other boys give him 
the laugh. 

Well Al jokeing to one side if I half to go back 
home without a meddle it will be because they are 
playing favorites but I guess I wouldn't be left out 
at that because I stand ace high with most of the 
Frenchmens around here because they like a man 
that's always got a smile or a kind word for them 
and they would like me still better yet if they could 



60 THE REAL DOPE 

understand more English and get my stuff better 
but it don't seem like they even try to learn and I 
suppose its because they figure the war is in their 
country so everybody should ought to talk their 
language but when you get down to cases they's 
a big job on both our hands and if one of us has 
got to talk the others language why and the he — ^11 
should they pick on the one that's hard to learn 
it and besides its S to 1 you might say because the 
U. S. and the English uses the same language and 
they's nobody only the French that talks like they 
do because they couldn't nobody else talk that way 
so why wouldn't it be the square thing for them to 
forget theirs and tackle ours and it would pro- 
longate their lifes to do it because most of their 
words can't be said without straining yourself and 
no matter what kind of a physic you got its bound 
to wear you down in time. 

But I suppose the French soldiers figure they 
have got enough of a job on their hands remember- 
ing their different uniforms and who to salute and 
etc. and they have got a fine system in the French 
army Al because you wear whatever you was before 
you got to be what you are that is sometimes. For 
inst. suppose you use to be in the artillery and now 
you are a aviator you still wear a artillery uniform 
part of the time and its like I use to pitch for the 
White Sox and I guess I would be a pretty looking 
bird if I waddled around in the mire here a wile 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 67 

with my old baseball unie on me and soon people 
would begin to think I was drafted from the Toledo 
Mud Hens. 

Seriously Al sometimes you see 4 or 5 French 
officers comeing along and they haven't one of them 
got the same color uniform on but they are all 
dressed up like a Roman candle you might say and 
if their uniforms run when they got wet a man 
could let them drip into a pail and drink it up for a 
pussy cafe. 

Well Al the boys in our regt. is going to get 
out a newspaper and get it out themself and it will 
be just the news about our regt. and a few gags 
and comical storys about the different boys and they 
are going to get it out once per wk. 

Corp. Pierson from our Co. that use to work on 
a newspaper somewheres is going to be the editor 
and he wants I should write them up something 
about baseball and how to pitch and etc. but I don't 
believe in a man waisting their time on a childs play 
like writeing up articles for a newspaper but just 
to stall him I said I would try and think up some- 
thing and give it to him when I had it wrote up. 
Well him waiting for my article will be like me 
waiting for mail because I don't want nobody to 
take me for a newspaper man because I seen enough 
of them in baseball and one time we was playing in 
Phila. and I had them shut out up to the 8th inning 
and all of a sudden Weaver and Collins got a 



68 THE REAL DOPE 

stroke of paralysis and tipped their caps to a couple 
ground balls that grazed their shoe laces and then 
Rube Oldring hit one on a line right at Gandil and 
he tried to catch it on the bounce off his lap and Bill 
Dinneen's right arm was lame and he begin calling 
everything a ball and first thing you know they 
beat us 9 to 2 or something and Robbins one of the 
Chi paper reporters that traveled with us wired a 
telegram home to his paper that Phila. was sup- 
posed to be a town where a man could get plenty 
of sleep but I looked like I had set up all the nights 
we was there and of course Florrie seen it in the 
paper and got dehrious and I would of busted Rob- 
bins in the jaw only I wasn't sure if he realy wrote 
it that way or the telegraph operator might of 
balled it up. 

So they won't be no newspaper articles in mine 
Al but I will be anxious to see what Pierson's paper 
looks like when it comes out and I bet it will be a 
fine paper if our bunch have the writeing of it be- 
cause the most of them would drop in a swoon if 
you asked them how to spell their name. 

Your pal, Jack. 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 69 



Somewheres in France, March 9, 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al I guess I all ready told 
-^ you about them getting up a newspaper in 
our regt. and Joe Pierson asked me would I write 
them up something for it and I told him no I 
wouldn't but it seems like he overheard me and 
thought I said I would so any way he was expect- 
ing something from me so last night I wrote them 
up something and I don't know if the paper will 
ever get printed or not so I will coppy down a part 
of what I wrote to give you a idear of what I 
wrote. He wanted I should write them up some- 
thing about the stragety of baseball and where it 
was like the stragety in the war because one night 
last month I give them a little talk at one of their 
entertainments about how the man that used their 
brains in baseball was the one that win just like in 
the army but I guess I all ready told you about me 
giveing them that little talk and afterwards I got 
a skinfull of the old grape and I thought sure they 
would have me up in front of the old court marshal! 
but they never knowed the difference on acct. of the 
way I can handle it and you take the most of the 
boys and if they see a cork they want to kiss the 
Colonel. Well any way here is the article I wrote 
up and I called it War and Baseball 2 games where 
brains wins. 

"The gen. public that go out to the baseball 



70 THE REAL DOPE 

park and set through the games probably think 
they see everything that is going on on the field but 
they's a lot of stuff that goes on on the baseball 
field that the gen. public don't see and don't know 
nothing about and I refer to what we baseball 
boys calls inside baseball. 

"No one is in a better position to know all about 
inside baseball then a man like I who have been a 
pitcher in the big league because it is the pitchers 
that has to do most of the thinking and pull off 
the smart plays that is what wins ball games. For 
inst. I will write down about a little incidents that 
come off one time ^ yrs. ago when the Boston club 
was playing against the Chicago White Sox where 
I was one of the stars when the U. S. went into 
the war and then I dropped baseball and signed 
up a contract with Uncle Sam to play for my 
country in the big game against the Kaiser of Ger- 
many. This day I refer to I was in there giveing 
them the best I had but we was in a tight game 
because the boys was not hitting behind me though 
Carl Mays that was pitching for the Boston club 
didn't have nothing on the ball only the cover and 
after the ball left his hand you could have ran in 
the club house and changed your undershirt and 
still be back in time to swing when the ball got up 
there. 

"Well it come along the 9th. inning and we was 
tied up with the score 2 and 2 and I had Larry 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 71 

Gardner swinging like a hammock all day but this 
time he hit a fly ball that either Weaver or Jackson 
ought to of caught in a hollow tooth but they both 
layed down and died on it and Gardner got on 
second base. Well they was 2 men out and Hob- 
litzel was the next man up and the next man after 
he was Scott their shortstop that couldn't take the 
ball in his hand and make a base hit off a man like 
I so instead of me giveing Hobby a ball to hit I 
walked him as we call it and then of course it was 
Scott's turn to bat and Barry their mgr. hesitated 
if he should send Ruth up to hit for Scott or not 
but finely he left Scott go up there and he was just 
dragging his bat off his shoulder to swing at the 
first strike when I whizzed the third one past him. 

"That is what we call inside baseball or stragety 
whether its in baseball or war is walking a man like 
Hoblitzel that might be lucky enough to hit one 
somewheres but if you don't give him nothing to 
hit how can he hit it and then I made Scott look 
like he had been sent for but couldn't come. After- 
wards in the 11th. inning Duffy Lewis hit a ball 
that he ought to of been traded for even swinging 
at it because it come near clipping his ear lob but 
any way he swang at it and hit it for three bases 
because Jackson layed down and died going after 
it and Lewis scored on a past ball and they beat us 
3 to 2. 

"So that is what we call stragety on the base- 



72 THE REAL DOPE 

ball field and it wins there the same like in war and 
this war will be win by the side that has gens, with 
brains and use them and I figure where a man that 
has been in big league baseball where you can't 
never make a success out of it unless you are a 
quick thinker and they have got a big advantage 
over men that's been in other walks of life where its 
most all luck and I figure the army would be a whole 
lot better off if all the officers and gens, had of 
played baseball in the big leagues and learned to 
think quick, but of course they ain't everybody that 
have got the ability to play baseball and stand the 
gaff but the man that has got the ability and been 
through the ropes is just that much ahead of the 
rest of them and its to bad that most of our gens. 
is so old that they couldn't of knew much about 
baseball since it become a test of brains like it is 
now. 

'*I am afraid I have eat up a lot of space with 
my little Article on War and Baseball so I will end 
this little article up with a little comical incidents 
that happened dureing our training trip down in 
Mineral Wells, Tex. a year ago this spring. The 
first day we was out for practice they was a young 
outfielder from a bush league and Mgr. Rowland 
told him to go out in right field and shag and this 
was his reply. 'I haven't never been in this park 
before so you will half to tell me which is right 
field,' Of course right field is the same field in all 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 73 

parks and that is what made the incidents so comical 
and some of the boys is certainly green when they 
first break in and we have manys the laugh at their 
expense." 

That is what I wrote up for them Al and I wound 
it up with that little story and I was reading over 
what I wrote and Johnny Alcock seen me reading 
it and asked me to leave him see it so I showed it to 
him and he said it was great stuff and he hadn't 
never dreamt they was that much stragety in base- 
ball and he thought if some of the officers seen it 
they would pop their eyes out and they would want 
to talk to me and get my idears and see if maybe 
they couldn't some of them be plied to war fair and 
maybe if I showed them where it could I would get 
promoted and stuck on to the gen. staff that's 
all made up from gens, that lays out the attacks 
and etc. 

Well Al Alcock is a pretty wise bird and a fine 
boy to if you know how to take liim and he seen 
right off what I was getting at in my article and 
its true Al that the 2 games is like the other and 
quick thinking is what wins in both of them. But 
I am not looking for no staff job that you don't 
half to go up in the trenchs and fight but just lay 
around in some office somewheres and stick pins in 
a map while the rest of the boys is sticking bayonets 
in the Dutchmen's maps so I hope they don't none 
of the gens, see what I wrote because I come over 



74. THE REAi: DOPE 

here to fight and be a soldier and carry a riffle in- 
stead of a pin cushion. 

But it don't hurt nothing for me to give them 
a few hints once in a wile about useing their brains 
if they have got them and if I can do any good with 
my articles in the papers why I would just as leaf 
wear my fingers to the bone writeing them up. 

Your palj Jack. 

Somewheres m France^ March IS, 

ZpRIEND AL: Well Al I bet you will pretty 
-^ near fall over in a swoon when you read what 
I have got to tell you. Before you get this letter 
you will probably all ready of got a coppy of the 
paper I told you about because it come out the day 
before yesterday and I sent you a coppy with my 
article in it only they cut a part of it out on acct. of 
not haveing enough space for all of it but they 
left the best part of it in. 

Well Al somebody must of a sent a coppy to 
Gen. Pershing and marked up what I wrote up so 
as he would be sure and see it and probably one of 
the officers done it. Well that's either here or there 
but this afternoon when we come in they was a let- 
ter for me and who do you think it was from Al. 
Well you can't never even begin to guess so I will 
tell you. It was from Gen. Pershing Al and it come 
from Paris where he is at and I have got it here 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 75 

laying on the table and I would send it to you to 
look at only I wouldn't take no chances of looseing 
it and I don't mean you wouldn't be carefull of it 
Al but of course the mail has got to go across the 
old pond and if the Dutchmens periscoped the boat 
the letter was on it it would be good night letter 
and a letter like this here is something to be proud 
of and hold onto it and keep it for little Al till he 
grows up big enough to appreciate it. But they's 
nothing to prevent me from copping down the let- 
ter so as you can read what it says and here it is. 

Private Keefe, 

Dear Sir: My attention was called today to an 
article written by you in your regimental paper 
^under the title War and Baseball: Two Games 
Where Brains Wins. In this article you state that 
our generals would be better able to accomplish 
their task if they had enjoyed the benefits of stra- 
tegic training in baseball. I have always been a 
great admirer of the national game of baseball and 
I heartily agree with what you say. But unfor- 
tunately only a few of us ever possessed the ability 
to play your game and the few never were proficient 
enough to play it professionally. Therefore the 
general staff is obliged to blunder along without 
that capacity for quick thinking which is acquired 
only on the baseball field. 

But I believe in making use of all the talent in 



70 THE REAL DOPE 

my army, even among the rank and file. Therefore 
I respectfully ask whether you think some of your 
baseball secrets would be of strategic value to us in 
the prosecution of this war and if so whether you 
would be willing to provide us with the same. 

If it is not too much trouble, I would be pleased 
to hear from you along these lines, and if you have 
any suggestion to make regarding a campaign 
against our enemy, either offensive or defensive, I 
would be pleased to have you outline it in a letter 
to me. 

By the way I note with pleasure that our first 
names are the same. It makes a sort of bond be- 
tween us which I trust will be further cemented if 
you can be of assistance to me in my task. 

I shall eagerly await your reply. Sincerely, 
.1 Black Jack Pershing, 

Folies Bergere, Paris, France. 

That is the letter I got from him Al and I'll say 
its some letter and I bet if some of these smart 
alex officers seen it it would reduce some of the 
swelling in their chest but I consider the letter con- 
fidential Al and I haven't showed it to nobody only 
3 or 4 of my buddys and I showed it to Johnny 
Alcock and he popped his eyes out so far you could 
of snipped them off with a shears. And he said 
it was a cinch that Pershing realy wrote it on acct. 
of him signing it Black Jack Pershing and the}! 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 7*7: 

wouldn't nobody else sign it that way because it 
was a private nickname between he and some of his 
friends and they wouldn't nobody else know about it. 

So then he asked was I going to answer the letter 
and I said of course I was and he says well I better 
take a whole lot of pains with my answer and study 
up the situation before I wrote it and put some good 
idears in it and if my letters made a hit with Gen. 
Pershing the next thing you know he would prob-.v 
ably summons me to Paris and maybe stick me on 
the war board so as all I would half to do would 
be figure up plans of attacks and etc. and not half 
to go up in the trenchs and wrist my life and prob- 
ably get splattered all over France. 

So I said "Well I am not looking for no excuse 
to get out of the trenchs but its just the other way 
and I am nuts to get in them." So he says "You 
must be." But he showed me where it would be a 
great experience to set in at them meetings even if 
I didn't have much to say and just set there and 
listen and hear their plans and what's comeing 
off and besides I would get a chance to see some- 
thing of Paris and it don't look like none of us only 
the officers would be give leave to go there but of 
course I would go if Black Jack wanted me and 
after all Al I am here to give Uncle Sam the best 
I have got and if I can serve the stars and strips 
better by sticking pins in a map then getting in 
the trenchs why all right and it takes inore than 



78 THE REAL DOPE 

common soldiers to win a war and if I am more use 
to them as a kind of adviser instead of carrying a 
bayonet why I will sacrifice my own feelings for the 
good of the cause like I often done in baseball. 

But they's another thing Alcock told me Al and 
that is that the war board they have got has got 
gens, on it from all the different country s like the 
U. S. and England and France and Spain and of 
course they are more French gens, than anything 
else on acct. of the war being here in France so 
probably they do some of their talking in French 
and Alcock says if he was I he would get busy and 
try and learn enough French so as I could make 
myself understood when I had something to say and 
of course they probably won't nothing come out of 
it all but still and all I always says its best to be 
ready for whatever comes off and if the U. S. had 
of been ready for this war I wouldn't be setting 
here writeing this letter now but I would be takeing 
a plunge in one of them Berlin brewry vats. 

Any way I have all ready picked enough French 
so as I can talk it pretty good and I would be O. K. 
if I could understand it when they are talking it off 
but to hear them talk it off you would think they 
seen their dinner at the end of the sentence. 

Well Al I will tell you how things comes out and 
I hope Black Jack will forget all about it and lay 
off me so as I can get into the real fighting instead 
of standing in front of a map all the wile like a 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 79 

school teacher or something and I all most wished 
I hadn't never wrote that article and then of course 
the idear wouldn't of never came to Black Jack 
that I could help him but if he does take me on his 
staff it will be some pair of Jacks eh Al and enough 
to open the pot and if the Germans is sucker enough 
to stay in thej will get their whiskers cinched. 

Your pal, Jack. 

Somewhere s in France, MarcJi H, 

TTfRIEND AL: Well this is the second letter I 
•^ have wrote today and the other one is to Gen. 
Pershing and I have still got the letter here yet Al 
and I will coppy it down and tell you what I wrote 
to him. 

Gen. Jack Pershing, 

Care Folies Bergere, Paris, France. 

Dear Gen: You can bet I was supprised to get a 
letter from you and when I wrote that article I 
didn't have no idear that they would something 
come out of it. Well Gen. I come into the army 
expecting to fight and lay down my life if nes- 
sary and I am not one of the kind that are looking 
for an out and trying to hide behind a desk or 
something because I am afraid to go into the trenchs 
but I guess if you know something about baseball 
you won't accuse me from not having the old nerve 



80 THE REAL DOPE 

because thej can't no man hold onto a job in 
the big leagues unless a man is fearless and does 
their best work under fire and especially a pitcher. 
But if you figure that I can serve old glory better 
some other way then in the rank and files I am will- 
ing to sacrifice myself like I often done in baseball. 
Anything to win Gen. is the way I look at it. 

You asked me in your letter did I think some of 
my idears would help out well gen. a man don't 
like to sound like they was bragging themself up 
but this isn't no time for monking and I guess you 
want the truth. Well gen. I don't know much about 
running a army and their plans but stragety is the 
same if its on the battle field or the baseball diamond 
you might say and it just means how can we beat 
them and I often say that the men that can use their 
brains will win any kind of a game except maybe 
some college Willy boy game like football or bridge 
whist. 

Well gen. without no bragging myself up I 
learned a whole lot about stragety on the baseball 
field and I think I could help you in a good many 
ways but before I tried to tell you how to do some- 
thing I would half to know what you was trying 
to do and of course I know you can't tell me in a 
letter on acct. of the censors and of course they are 
Americans to but they's a whole lot of the boys that 
don't mean no harm but they are gabby and can't 
keep their mouth shut and who knows who would 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 81 

get a hold of it and for the same reason I don't 
feel like I should give you any of my idears by 
mail but if I could just see you and we could have 
a little talk and talk things over but I don't sup- 
pose they's any chance of that unless I could get 
leave off to run down to Paris for a wile and meet 
you somewheres but they won't give us no leave to 
go to Paris but of course a letter from you that I 
could show it to Capt. Seeley would fix it up and 
no questions asked. 

So I guess I better wait till I hear from you 
along these lines and in the mean wile I will be 
thinking the situation over and see what I can 
think up and I all ready got some idears that I 
feel like they would work out O. K. and I hope I 
will get a chance in the near future to have a little 
chat with you. 

I note what you say about our name being both 
Jack and I was thinking to myself that lots of 
times in a poker game a pair of jacks is enough 
to win and maybe it will be the same way in the 
war game and any way I guess the 2 of us could 
put up a good bluff and bet them just as if we had 
them. Eh gen? Respy, 

Jack Keefe. 

That's what I wrote to him Al and he will get 
it some time tomorrow or the next day and I should 
ought to hear from him back right away and I hope 



8^ THE REAL DOPE 

he will take my hint and leave me stay here with my 
resi:t. where I can see some real action. But if he 
summonses me I will go Al and not whine about 
getting a raw deal. 

Well I happened to drop into a estaminet here 
yesterday and that's kind of a store where a man 
can buy stuff to take along with him or you can 
get a cup of coffee or pretty near anything and 
they was a girl on the job in there and she smiled 
when I come in and I smiled at her back and she 
seen I Was American so she begin talking to me in 
English only she has got some brogue and its hard 
to make it out what she is trying to get at. Well 
we talked a wile and all of a sudden the idear come 
to me that I and her could hit it off and both do the 
other some good by her learning me French and I 
could learn her English and so I sprung it on her 
and she was tickled to death and we called it a bar- 
gain and tomorrow we are going to have our first 
lessons and how is that Al for a bargain when I 
can pick up French without it costing me a nickle 
and of course they won't be only time for 1 or S 
lessons before I hear from Black Jack but I can 
learn a whole lot in 2 lessons if she will tend to busi- 
ness but the way she smiled at me when I come out 
and the looks she give me I am afraid if she seen 
much of me it would be good night so I will half 
to show her I won't stand for no foolishness because 



-(I 



I 




She smiled when I came in and I smiled at her back 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 83 

I had enough flirtations Al and the next woman that 
looks X eyed at me will catch her death of cold. 

Your pal, Jack. 

Somewheres in France, March 16. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well old pal it looks like they 
•^ wouldn't be no front line trenchs for this baby 
and what I am getting at is that the word was past 
around today that Black Jack himself is comeing 
and they isn't no faulse alarm about it because 
Capt. Seeley told us himself and said Gen. Pershing 
would be here in a day or 9> to overlook us and he 
wanted that everybody should look their best and 
keep themself looking neat and clean and clean up 
all the billets and etc. because that was what Gen. 
Pershing was comeing to see, how we look and how 
we are getting along and etc. 

Well Al that's what Capt. Seeley said but be- 
tween you and I they's another reason why he is 
comeing and I guess he figures they will be a better 
chance to talk things over down here then if I was 
to go to Paris and I am not the only one that knows 
why he is comeing because after supper Alcock 
called me over to 1 side and congratulated me and 
said it looked like I was in soft. 

Well I will be ready for him when he comes and 
I will be ready to pack up and blow out of here 
at a minute's notice and I can't help from wondring 



84 THE REAL DOPE 

what some of these smart alex officers will say when 
they see what's comeing off. So this won't be only 
a short letter Al because I have got a lot to do to 
get ready and what I am going to do is write down 
some of my idears so as I can read them off to him 
when he comes and if I didn't have them wrote 
down I might maybe get nervous when I seen him 
and maybe forget what I got to say because the 
boys says he's a tough bird for a man to see for 
the first time till you get to know him and he acts 
like he was going to eat you alive but he's a whole 
lot like a dog when you get to know him and his 
bark is worse then a bite. 

Well Al how is that for news and I guess you 
will be prouder then ever of your old pal before 
this business gets over with and I would feel pretty 
good with everything breaking so good only I am 
getting worred about Ernestine that little French 
gal in the estaminet and I wished now I hadn't 
never seen her or made no bargain with her and 
I didn't do it so much for what I could learn off 
of her but these French gals Al has had a tough 
time of it and if a man can bring a little sunshine 
into their life he wouldn't be a man unless he done 
it. So I was just trying to be a good fellow and 
here is what I get for it because I caught her today 
Al with that look in her eye that I seen in so many 
of them and I know what it means and I guess 
about the best thing for me to do is run away from 



STRAGETY ANC TRAGEDY 85 

Gen. Pershing and go over the top or something 
and leave the boshs shoot my nose off or mess me up 
some way and then maybe I won't get pestered to 
death every time I try and be kind to some httle gal. 

I guess the French lessons will half to be cut out 
because it wouldn't be square to leave her see me 
again and it would be different if I could tell her I 
am married but I don't know the French terms for 
it and besides it don't seem to make no difference to 
some of them and the way they act you would think 
a wife was just something that come out on you 
like a sty and the best way to do was just to for- 
get it. 

Well Al as I say I caught her looking at me like 
it was breaking her heart and I wouldn't be sup- 
prised if she cried after I come away, but what can 
a man do about it Al and I have got a good notion 
to wear my gas mask everywhere I go and then 
maybe I will have a little peace once in a wile. 

I must close now for this time and get busy on 
some idears so as Black Jack won't catch me flat 
footed but I guess they's no danger of that eh Al.'^ 

Your pal, Jack. 



THE REAL DOPE 



Somewheres m France, March 18, 

jniRIEND AL: Well old pal I am all set for 
•^ Gen. Pershing when he comes and I have got 
some of my idears wrote down just the bear out- 
lines of them and when he asks me if I have got 
any I can just read them off from my notes like 
1 was a lecture and here is a few of the notes I have 
got wrote down so you can get some idear of what 
I am going to spring on him. 



In baseball many big league mgrs. before a game 
they talk it over in the club house with their men 
and disgust the weakness of the other club and how 
is the best way to beat them and etc. For inst. 
when I was pitching for the White Sox and sup- 
pose we was going to face a pitcher that maybe he 
was weak on fielding bunts so before the game Mgr. 
Rowland would say to us "Remember boys this 
baby so and so gets the rabbis if you lay down 
bunts on him." So we would begin laying them 
down on him and the first thing you know he would 
be frothing at the mouth and triping all over him- 
self and maybe if he did finely get a hold of the 
ball he would throw it into the Southren League or 
somewheres and before the other mgr. could get 
another bird warmed up they would half to hire a 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 87 

crossing policeman to straiten out the jam at the 
plate. And the same thing would be in war like 
in baseball and instead' of a army going into it blind 
you might say, why the gens, ought to get together 
before the battle and fix it up to work on the other 
side's weakness. For inst. suppose the Germans is 
weak on getting out of the way of riffle bullets why 
that's the weapon to use on them and make a sucker 
out of them. 

Getting the jump on your oppts. is more then % 
the battle whether its in the war or on the baseball 
field and many a game has been win by getting the 
jump on your oppts. For inst. that reminds me of 
a little incidents that happened one day when we 
was playing the Washington club and I was pitch- 
ing against the notorious Walter Johnson and be- 
fore they was a man out Geo. McBride booted one 
and Collins and Jackson got a couple hits and we 
was 2 runs to the good before they was a man out. 
Well Johnson come back pretty good and the rest 
of the game the boys acted like they was scared 
of him and kept one foot in the water bucket but 
we would of win the game at that only in the 9th. 
inning Schalk dropped a third strike on me and 
Judge and Milan hit a couple of fly balls that 
would of been easy outs only for the wind but the 
wind raised havioc with the ball and they both went 



88 THE REAL DOPE 

for hits and they beat us 3 to 2 and that's the kind 
of luck I genallj always had against the Washing- 
ton club. 

3 

In baseball of course they's only nine men on a 
side and that is where a gen. in the war has got 
the advantage on a mgr. in baseball because they's 
no rules in war fair to keep a man from useing all 
the men he feels like so it looks to me like a gen. 
had all the best of it because suppose the other side 
only had say 50 thousand men in a certain section 
they's nothing to prevent a gen. from going after 
them with a 100 thousand men and if he can't run 
them ragged when you got to them 2 to 1 its time 
to enlist in the G. A. R. All though as I say a mgr. 
can't only use nine men at a time in baseball, but 
at that I know of incidents where a mgr. has took 
advantage of the oppts. being shy of men and one 
time the St. Louis club came to Chi and Jones was 
all crippled up for pitchers but the game was on 
our home grounds so it was up to Mgr. Rowland 
to say if the game should be played or if he should 
call it off on acct. of cold weather because it was 
in the spring. But he knowed Jones was shy of 
pitchers so he made him play the game and Jones 
used big Laudermilk to pitch against us and they 
beat us 5 and ^, 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 89 

Another advantage where a gen. got It on a base- 
ball mgr. because in baseball the game begins at 
3 o'clock and the other club knows when its going 
to begin just the same as your club so thej can't 
neither club beat the other one to it and start the 
game wile the other club is looking out the window. 

But a gen. don't half to tell the other side when 
he is going to attack them but of course they have 
obserrers that can see when you are going to get 
ready to pull something. But it looks to me like 
the observers wouldn't be worth a hoop and he — ^11 
if the other gen. made his preparations at night 
when it was dark like bringing up the troops and 
artilery and supply s and etc. and in that way you 
could take them by supprise and make them look 
like a fool, like in baseball I have often crossed 
the batter up and one day I had Cobb 3 and 2 and 
he was all set to murder a fast one and I dinked a 
slow one up there to him and the lucky stiff hit it 
on the end of his bat just inside third base and 
^ men scored on it. 

That's about the idears I am going to give him 
Al only of course I can talk it off better then I can 
write it because wile I am talking I can think up 
a lot more incidents to tell him and him being a 



90 THE REAL DOPE 

baseball fan he will set there pop eyed with his 
mouth open as long as I want to talk. But now I 
can't hardly wait for him to get here Al and it 
seems funn}?^ to think that here I am a $30 dollar 
a mo. doughboy and maybe in a few days I will be 
on the staff and they don't have nobody only officers 
and even a lieut. gets 5 or 6 times as much as a 
doughboy and how is that for a fine nickname Al 
for men that all the dough they are getting is a $1 
per day and the pollutes only gets 2 Sues a day and 
that's about 2 cents so I suppose we ought to call 
them the Wall St. crowd. 

Well Al you should ought to be thankful! you 
are there at home with your wife where you can 
watch her and keep your eyes on her and find out 
what she is doing with her spare time though I 
guess at that they wouldn't be much danger of old 
Bertha running a muck and I don't suppose she 
would half to wear bob wire entanglements to keep 
Jack the Kisser away but when a man has got a 
wife like Florrie and here I am over here and there 
she is over there well Al a man don't get to sleep 
no quicker nights from thinking about it and I lay 
there night after night and wonder what and the 
he — 11 can she be doing and she might be doing 
most anything Al and they's only the one thing that 
its a cinch she ain't doing and that's writeing a letter 
to me and a man would pretty near think she had 
forgot my first name but even at that she could set 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 91 

down and write to me and start it out Dear Hus- 
band. 

But the way she acts why even if they was any 
fun over here I wouldn't be haveing it and suppose 
I do get on Gen. Pershing's staff and get a Heut. 
or something and write and tell her about it, why 
she would probably wait till a legal holiday to an- 
swer me back and then she would write about 10 
words and say she went to the Palace last week 
and when she come out after the show it was raining. 

Well Al you can't blame a man for anything he 
pulls off when their wife acts like that and if I 
give that little Ernestine a smack the next time she 
bulges her lips out at me whose fault is it Al ? Not 
mine. Your pal, Jack. 

Somewheres in France, March 20. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al the sooner the Germans 
•* starts their drive let them come and I only 
hope we are up there when they start it and believe 
me Al if they come at us with the gas I will dive 
into it with my mouth wide open and see how much 
of it I can get because they's no use Al of a man 
trying to live with the kind of luck I have got and 
I'm sick in tired of it all. 

Wait till you hear what come off today Al. In 
the first place my feet's been going back on me for 
a long wile and they walked us all over France yes- 



m THE BEAt DOPE 

terday and this a. m. I couldn't hardly get my shoes 
on and they was going out for riffle practice and 
I don't need no riffle practice Al and besides that I 
couldn't of stood it so I got excused and I set 
around a wile after the rest of the bunch was gone 
and finely my feet got feeling a little better and I 
walked over to the estaminet where that little gal's 
at to see if maybe I couldn't brighten things up a 
little for her and sure enough she was all smiles 
when she seen me and we talked a wile about this 
in that and she tried to get personal and called me 
cherry which is like we say dearie and finely I made 
the remark that I didn't think we would be here 
much longer and then I seen she was going to blub- 
ber so I kind of petted her hand and stroked her 
hair and she poked her lips out and I give her a 
smack Al but just like you would kiss a kid or 
something after they fell down and hurt themself. 
Well Al just as this was comeing off the door to 
the other part of the joint opened up and in come 
her old man and seen it and I thought all French- 
mens talked fast Al but this old bird made them 
sound like a impediment and he come at me and if 
he hadn't been so old I would of crowned him but 
of course I couldn't do nothing only let him rave 
and finely I felt kind of sorry for him and I had 
a 20 frank note on me so I shoved it at him and it 
struck him dumb Al and I got out of there and come 
back to the Ark and it seems like I had been away 



STRAGETY AND TRAGEDY 93 

a whole lot longer then I meant to and any way I 
hadn't hardly no more then got my shoes off and 
layed down when in come some of the boys. 

Well Al what do you think ? Gen. Pershing was 
out there to the riffle practice to overlook them and 
I suppose he heard we was going to be out there and 
he went out there to be sure and catch me and he 
was makeing a visit around the camp and instead of 
him stopping here he went out there to see us and 
instead of me being out there Al, here I was mixed 
up in a riot with an old goof over nothing you 
might say and Black Jack wondring where and the 
he — 11 could I be at because Alcock told me he 
noticed him looking around like he mist somebody. 
And now he's on his way back to Paris and prob- 
ably sore as a boil and I can't do nothing only 
wait to hear from him and probably he will just de- 
cide to pass me up. 

And the worst of it is Al that when they brought 
us the mail they was 2 letters for me from Florrie 
and I couldn't of asked for nicer letters if I had 
wrote them myself only why and the he — ^11 couldn't 
she of wrote them a day sooner and I would of no 
more thought of getting excused today then fly 
because if I had knew how my Mrs. mist me and 
how much she cares I wouldn't of been waisting no 
time on no Ernestine but its- to late now and Black 
Jack's gone and so is my 20 franks and believe me 
Al 20 frank notes is tray pew over here. I'll say 
they are. Your pal, Jac£« ^ 



CHAPTER lY 



DECORATED 



SomewJieres m France, April ^. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al yesterday was April 
"^ Fool and you ought to seen what I pulled on 
1 of the boys Johnny Alcock and it was a screen 
and some of the boys is still laughing over it yet 
but he is 1 of the kind that he can't see a joke at 
their own expenses and he swelled up like a poison 
pup and now he is talking about he will get even 
with me, but the bird that gets even with me will 
half to get up a long time before revelry eh Al. 

Well Al I will tell you what I pulled on him and 
I bet you will bust your sides. Well it seems like 
Johnny has got a girl in his home town Riverside, 
111. near Chi and that is he don't know if he has got 
her or not because him and another bird was both 
makeing a play for her, but before he come away 
she told him to not worry, but the other bird got 
himself excused out of the draft with a cold sore 
or something and is still there in the old town yet 
where he can go and call on her every night and 
she is libel to figure that maybe she better; marr^ 

04 



DECORATED fiS 

him so as she can have some of her evenings to 
herself and any way she might as well of told 
Johnny to not scratch himself over here as to not 
worry because for some reason another the gal 
didn't write to him last month at lease he didn't 
get no letters and maybe they got lost or she had 
writers cramps or something but any way every 
time the mail come and nothing for him he looked 
like he had been caught off second base. 

Well the day before yesterday he was reading 1 
of the letters he got from this baby 5 or 6 wks. ago 
on acct. of not haveing nothing better to read and 
he left the envelope lay on the floor and I was go- 
ing to hand it back to him but I happened to think 
that yesterday would be April Fool so I kept a 
hold of the envelope and I got a piece of paper and 
wrote April Fool on it and stuck it in the envelope 
and fixed it up so as it would look like a new letter 
and I handed it to him yesterday like it was mail 
that had only just came for him and you ought to 
see him when he tore it open and didn't find noth- 
ing only April Fool in it. At first he couldn't say 
nothing but finely he says "That's some comedy 
Keef e. You ought to be a end man in the stretcher 
bearers minstrels" and he didn't crack a smile so I 
said "What's the matter with you can't you take a 
joke?" So he said "What I would like to take is a 
crack at your jaw." So I said "Well it's to bad 
your arms is both paralyzed." Well Al they's noth- 



m THE REAL DOPE 

ing the matter with his arms and I was just kidding 
him because as far as him hitting anybody is con- 
serned I was just as safe as the gen. staff because 
he ain't much bigger than a cutie and for him to 
reach my jaw he would half to join the aviation. 

Well of course he didn't start nothing but just 
said he would get back at me if it took him till the 
duration of the war and I told some of the other 
boys about putting it over on him and they couldn't 
hardly help from smileing but he acts like a baby 
and don't speak to me and I suppose maybe he 
thinks that makes me feel bad but I got to be 25 
yrs. old before I ever seen him and if his head was 
blowed off tomorrow a. m. I would try and show up 
for my S meals a day if you could call them that. 

But speaking about April Fool Al I just stopped 
writeing to try and light a cigarette with 1 of these 
here French matchs and every one of them is a 
April Fool and I guess the parents of the kids over 
here don't never half to worry about them smokeing 
to young because even if they had a box of cig- 
arettes hid in their cradle they would be of age 
before they would run across a match that lit and 
I wouldn't be scared to give little Al a bunch and 
turn him loose in a bbl. of gasoline. 

Well Al I suppose you been reading In the pa- 
pers about the Dutchmens starting a drive vs. the 
English up in the northren part of the section and 
at first it looked like the English was going to 



DECORATED 97 

leave them walk into the Gulf Stream and scald 
themself to death, but now it seems like we have 
got them slowed up at lease that's the dope we get 
here but for all the news we get a hold of we might 
as well of jumped to the codfish league on the way 
over and once in a wile some of the boys gets a 
U. S. paper a mo. old but they hog onto it and 
don't leave nobody else see it but as far as I am 
consemed they can keep it because I haven't no 
time to waist reading about the Frisco fair or the 
Federal League has blowed up and etc. And of 
course they's plenty of newspapers from Paris but 
all printed in la la la so as every time you come to 
a word you half to rumage through a dictionary 
and even when you run it down its libel to mean 20 
different articles and by the time you figured out 
whether they are talking about a st. car or a hot 
bath or a raisin or what and the he — ^11 they are 
talking about they wouldn't be no more news to it 
then the bible and it looks to me Al like it would be 
a good idear if you was to drop me a post card 
when the war is over so as I can tell Capt. Seeley 
or he will still be running us ragged to get in shape 
a couple of yrs. after the last of the Dutchmens 
lays molting in the grave. 

Jokeing to 1 side Al you probably know what's 
going on a long wile before we do and the only 
chance we would have to know how a battle come 
out would be if we was in it and they's no chance 



98 THE REAL DOPE 

of that unless they send us up to the northern part 
of the section to help out because Van Hindenburg 
must have something under his hat besides bristles 
and he ain't a sucker enough to start driveing vs. 
the front that we are behind it unless he is so home- 
sick that he can't stand it no longer in France. 
.Your pal, Jack. 

Somewhere s in France, April 6, 

rpRIEND AL: Well Al 1 of the Chi news- 
•*• papers is getting out a paper in Paris and 
printed in English and I just seen a copy of it 
where the Allys has finely got wise to themself and 
made 1 man gen. of all the Allys and it was a 
sucker play to not do that long ago only it looks 
to me like they pulled another boner by makeing 
a Frenchman the gen. and I suppose they done it 
for a complement to the Frenchmens on acct. of 
the war being here, but even suppose this here Foch 
is a smart gen. and use his brains and etc. it looks 
to me like it would of been a whole lot better to of 
picked out a man that can speak English because 
suppose we was all in a big battle or something 
and he wanted we should go over the top and if he 
said it in French why most of the boys hasn't made 
no attempts to master the language and as far as 
they was conserned he might as well be telling them 
to wash their neck. Or else they would half to be 



DECORATED 99 

mterpeters to translate it out in English what he 
was getting at and by the time he give the orders 
to fire and the interpeter looked it up and seen what 
it meant in English and then tell us about it the 
Dutchmens would be putting peep holes through 
us with a bayonet and besides the French word for 
fire in English is feu in French and you say it like 
it was few and if Gen. Foch yelled few we might 
think he was complaining of the heat. 

But at that its better to have 1 man running it 
even a Frenchman then a lot of different gens, 
telling us to do this in that and the other thing 
every one of them different and suppose they done 
that in baseball Al and a club had 3 or 4 mgrs. and 
suppose for inst. it come up to the 9th. inning and 
we needed some runs and it was Benz's turn to hit 
and 1 mgr. would tell him to go up and hit for 
himself and another mgr. would tell Murphy to go 
up and hit for him and another mgr. would send 
Risberg up and another would send Russell and the 
next tiling you know they would be 2 of them 
swinging from 1 side of the plate and 2 from the 
other side and probably busting each other in the 
bean with their bats but you take most bird's beans 
and what would break would be Mr. Bat. But its 
the same in war like in baseball and you got to 
have 1 man running it. With a lot of different 
gens, in command, 1 of them might tell the men to 
charge while another was telling them to pay cash. 



lOQ THE REAL DOPE 

Jokeing to 1 side Al some of our boys have over- 
took a section up along the Moose river and I 
wouldn't dast write about it only its been printed 
in the papers all ready so I am not giveing away 
no secrets to the Dutchmens. At lease they don't 
mind us writeing something that's came out in the 
papers though as far as I can see how would the 
Dutchmens know it any more if it was in the papers 
or not, because they ain't so choked with jack over 
in Germany that they are going to spend it on U. S. 
papers a mo. old and even when they got them 
they would half to find somebody that could read 
English and hadn't been killed for it and it would 
be like as if I should spend part of my $15 a mo. 
subscribeing to the Chop Suey Bladder that you 
would half to lay on your stomach and hold it with 
your feet to get it right side up and even then it 
wouldn't mean nothing. But any way the Dutch- 
mens is going to know sooner or later that we are 
in the war and what's the diff erents if they meet us 
at the Moose or the Elks.? Jokeing a side Al I 
guess you won't be supprised to hear how I have 
picked up in the riffle practice and I knew right 
along that I couldn't liardly help from being a 
A No. 1 marksman because a man that had almost 
perfect control in pitching you might say would 
be bound to shoot straight when they got the hang 
of it and don't be supprised if I write you 1 of 
these days that I been appointed a snipper that 



DECORATED lOl 

sets up in a tree somewheres and picks off the boshs 
whenever they stick their head up and they call 
them snippers so pretty soon my name is libel to be 
Jake Snipe instead of Jack Keefe, but seriously 
Al I can pick off them targets like they was 
cherrys or something and maybe I won't half to 
go in the trenchs at all. 

I guess I all regidy told you about that little trick 
I pulled on Johnny Alcock for a April Fool gag 
and at first he swelled up like a poison pup and 
wouldn't talk to me and said he wouldn't never 
rest till he got even. Well he finely got a real letter 
from the gal back home and she is still waiting for 
him yet so he feels O. K. again and I and him are 
on speaking turns again and I am glad to not be 
scraping with him because I don't never feel right 
unless I am pals with everybody but they can't 
nobody stay sore at me very long and even when 
some of the boys in baseball use to swell up when 
I pulled 1 of my gags on them it wouldn't last long 
because I would just smile at them and they would 
half to smile back and be pals and I always say 
that if a man can't take a joke he better take acid 
or something and make a corps out of himself in- 
stead of a monkey. Your pal. Jack. 



loa THE REAL DOPE 

'SoTnewheres in France, April 11, 

TpRlENB AL: Well Al I don't suppose you 
-^ knew I was a detective but when it comes to 
being a dick it looks like I don't half to salute 
Wm. Burns or Shylock or none of them. 

Seriously Al I come onto something today that 
may turn out to be something big and then again 
it may not but it looks like it was something big 
only of course it has got to be kept a secret till I 
get the goods on a certain bird and I won't pull it 
till I have got him right and in that way he won't 
suspect nothing until its to late. But I know you 
wouldn't breath a word about it and besides it 
wouldn't hurt nothing if you did because by the 
time you get this letter the whole thing will be 
over and this bird to who I refer will probably own 
a peace of land in France with a 2 ft. frontidge 
and 6 ft. deep. But you will wonder what am I 
trying to get at so maybe I better explain myself. 
Well Al they's a big bird in our Co. name Geo. 
Shaffer and that's a German name because look at 
Schaef er that use to play ball in our league and 
it was spelt different but they called him Germany 
and he thought he was funny and use to pull gags 
on the field but I guess he didn't feel so funny the 
day Griffith sent him up to hit against me in the 
pinch 1 day at Washington and if the ball he hit 
had of went straight out instead of straight up it 



DECORATED 103 

would of pretty near cleared the infield. But any 
way this bird Shaffer in our Co. is big enough to 
have a corporal to himself and they must of spent 
the first Liberty Loan on his uniform and he hasn't 
hardly said a word since we been in France and for 
a wile we figured it was just because he was a crab 
and to grouchy to talk, but now I wouldn't be 
supprised Al if the real reason was on acct. of him 
being a Dutchman and maybe can't talk English 
very good. Well I would feel pretty mean to be 
spying on most of the boys that's been good pals 
with me, but when a man is a pro German spy him- 
self they's no question of friendship and etc. and 
whatever I can do to show this bird up I won't 
hesitate a minute. 

Well Al this bird was writeing a letter last night 
and he didn't have no envelope and he asked me did 
I have 1 and I said no and he wouldn't of never 
spoke only to say Gimme but when I told him I 
didn't have no envelope he started off somewheres 
to get 1 and he dropped the last page out of the 
letter he had been writeing and it was laying right 
there along side of me and of course I wouldn't 
of paid no tension to it only it was face up so as I 
couldn't help from seeing it and what I seen wasn't 
no words like a man would write in a letter but it 
was a bunch of marks like a x down at the bottom 
and they was a whole line of them like this 
xxxxxxxxxxx 



io4j the real dope 

Well that roused up my suspicions and I guess 
you know I am not the kind that reads other peo- 
ple's letters even if I don't get none of my own to 
read but this here letter I kind of felt like they 
was something funny about it hke he was writeing 
in ciphers or something so I picked the page up 
and read it through and sure enough they was 
parts of it in ciphers and if a man didn't have the 
key you couldn't tell what and the he — ^11 he was 
getting at. 

Well Al I was still studing the page yet when 
he come back in and they wasn't nothing for me to 
do only set on it so as he wouldn't see I had it and 
he come over and begin looking for it and I asked 
him had he lost something to throw him off the 
track and he said yes but he didn't say what it was 
and that made it all the more suspicious so he finely 
give up looking and went out again. 

Well I have got it put away where he can't get 
a hold of it because I showed it to Johnny Alcock 
this A. M. and asked him if it didn't look like some- 
thing off color and he said yes it did and if he was 
me he would turn it over to Capt. Seeley but on 2d 
thoughts he said I better keep it a wile and at the 
same time keep a eye on Shaffer and get more evi- 
dents vs. him and then when I had him dead to 
rights I could turn the letter and the rest of the 
evidents over to Capt. Seeley and then I would be 
sure to get the credit for showing him up. 



DECORATED 105 

Well A\ I figure this 1 page of his letter is 
enough or more then enough only of course its best 
to play safe and keep my eyes pealed and see what 
comes off and I haven't got time to copy down the 
whole page Al and besides they's a few sentences 
that sounds O. K. and I suppose he put them in 
for a blind but you can't get away from them x 
marks Al and I will write down a couple other sen- 
tences and I bet you will agree that they's some- 
thing fishy about them and here is the sentences to 
which I refer: 

*'In regards to your question I guess I under- 
stand O. K. In reply will say yes I. L. Y. more 
than Y. L. M. Am I right." 

*'Have you saw D. Give him a ring and tell the 
old spinort I am W. C. T. U. outside of a little 
Vin Blank." 

Can you make heads or tales out of that Al? I 
guess not and neither could anybody else except 
they had the key to it and the best part of it is his 
name is signed down at the bottom and if he can 
explain that line of talk he is a wonder but he can't 
explain it Al and all as he can do is make a clean 
brest of the whole business and Alcock thinks the 
same way and Alcock says he wished he had of 
been the 1 that got a hold of this evidents be- 
cause whoever turned it over to Capt. Seeley 
along with what other facts I can get a hold 
of will just about get a commission in the intel- 



log THE REAL DOPE 

ligents dept, and that's the men that looks after 
the pro German spys Al and gets the dope on 
them and shows them up and I would probably 
have my head quarters In Paris and get good money 
besides my expenses and I. would half to pass up 
the chance to get in the trenchs and fight but they's 
more ways of fighting then 1 and in this game Al 
a man has got to go where they send you and where 
they figure they would do the most good and if 
my country needs me to track after spys I will 
sacrifice my own wlshs though I would a whole lot 
rather stay with my pals and fight along side of 
them and not snoop round Paris fondleing door 
nobs like a night watchman. But Alcock says he 
would bet money that is where I will land and he 
says "You ought to feel right at home in the in- 
telligents dept. like a camel in Lake Erie" and he 
says the first chance I get I better try and start 
up a conversation with Shaff^er and try and lead 
him on and that is the way they trap them is to ask 
them a whole lot of questions and see what they 
have got to say and if you keep fireing questions 
at them they are bound to get balled up and then 
its good night. 

Well I don't suppose It seems possible to you 
stay at homes that they could be such a thing like 
a pro German spy in the U. S. army and how did 
he get there and why did they leave him in and 
etc. Well Al you would be supprised to know how 



DECORATED 107 

many of them has shpped hi and Alcock says that 
at first it amounted to about SOO^o but the inteUi- 
gents officers has been on their sent all the wile and 
most of them has been nailed and when they get 
them they shoot them down like a dog and that's 
what Shaffer will get Al and he is out of luck to 
be so big because all as the fireing squad would half 
to do would be look at their compass and see if he 
was east or west of them and then face their riffle 
in that direction and let go. 

I will write and let you know how things comes 
along. Your pal, Jack. 

SoTtiewlieres m Finance, April I4,, 

JTfRIEND AL: Well Al I am closeing the net 
-^ of evidents around Shaffer and I guess I all 
ready got enough on him to make out a case that 
he couldn't never wrinkle out of it but Capt. Seeley 
is away and I can't do nothing till he gets back. 

I had my man on the grill today Al and I 
thought he would be a fox and not criminate him- 
self but I guess I went at him so smooth he didn't 
never suspect nothing till along towards the finish 
and then it was to late. I don't remember all that 
was said but it run along these lines like as fol- 
lows : In the first place I asked him where he lived 
and he said Milwaukee Ave. in Chi and I don't know 
if you know it or not Al but that's a st. whei'e the^ 



log THE REAL DOPE 

have got traffic policemens at the corners to blow 
their wliistles once for the Germans to go north 
and south and twice for them to go east and west. 
So then I said was he married and he says no. So 
then I asked liim where he was born and he said 
''Wliat and the he — ^11 are you the personal officer?" 
So I laughed it off and said "No but I thought 
maybe we come from the same part of the country." 
So he says something about everybody didn't half 
to come from the country but he wouldn't come 
out and say where he did come from so then I 
kind of led around to the war and I made the re- 
mark that the German drive up on the north side 
of France didn't get very far and he says maybe 
they wasn't through. How was that for a fine line 
of talk Al and he might as well have said he hoped 
the Germans wouldn't never be stopped. 

Well for a minute I couldn't hardly help from 
takeing a crack at him but in these kind of mat- 
ters Al a man has got to keep a hold of themself 
or they will loose their quany so I kind of forced 
a smile and said "Well I guess they would have 
kept going if they could of." And then he says 
"Yes but they half to stop every once in a wile 
to bring up Van Hindenburg." So I had him 
traped Al and quick is a flash I said "Who told 
you their plans?" And he says "Oh he — 11 my 
mother in law" and walked away from me. 

Well Al it was just like sometimes when they; 



DECORATED 109 

are trying a man for murder and he says he 
couldn't of did it because he was over to the Ehte 
jazing when it come off and a httle wile later the 
lawyer asks him where did he say he was at when 
the party was croked and he forgets what he said 
the 1st. time and says he was out to Lincoln Pk. 
kidding the bison or something and the lawyer 
points out to the jury where his story s don't jib 
and the next thing you know he is dressed up in 
a hemp collar a couple sizes to small. 

And that's the same way I triped Shaffer get- 
ting him to say he wasn't married and finely when 
I have him cornered he busts out about his mother 
in law. Well Al I don't know of no way to get 
a mother in law without marrying into one. So I 
told Alcock tonight what had came off and he says 
it looked to him like I had a strong case and if he 
was me he would spill it to Capt. Seeley the min- 
ute he gets back. And he said "You lucky stiff 
you won't never see the inside of a front line 
trench." So I asked him what he meant and he 
repeated over again what he said about them take- 
ing me in the intelligents dept. So it looks like 
I was about through being a doughboy Al and 
pretty soon I will probably be writeing to you 
from Paris but I don't suppose I will be able to 
tell you what I am doing because that's the kind 
of a job where mum is the word, Your pal. 

Jack* 



110 THE REAL DOPE 

Somewlieres in France, April 16, 

TpRIEND AL: Well old pal don't be supprised 
-» if I write you the next time from Paris. I 
have got a date to see Capt. Seeley tomorrow and 
Lieut. Mather fixed it up for me to see him but I 
had to convince the lieut. that it wasn't no monkey 
business because they's always a whole lot of riffs 
and raffs asking Capt. Seeley can they have a word 
with him and what they want is to borry his knife 
to- pair their finger nails. 

But I guess he won't be sorry he seen me Al 
not when I show him the stuff I have got on this 
bird and he will probably shake me by the hand 
and say "Well Keefe Uncle Sam is proud of you 
but you are waisting your time here and I will be 
sorry to loose you but it looks like you belong in 
other fields." And he will wire a. telegram to the 
gen. staff reccomending me to go» to Paris. 

I guess I all ready told you some of the stuff 
I have got on this bird but I have not told you all 
because the best one didn't only happen last night. 
Well on acct. of I and Alcock being friends he has 
kind of been keeping a eye pealed on Shaffer to 
help me out and he found a letter last night that 
Shaffer had wrote and this time it was the whole 
letter with the address and everything and who do 
you suppose it was to? Well Al it was to Van 
Hindenburg himself and I have got it right here 



DECORATED 111 

where I can keep a eye on it and believe me it's 
worth watching and I wished I could send it to you 
so you could see for yourself what kind of a bird 
we are dealing with. But that's impossible Al but 
they's nothing to keep me from copping it off. 

Well the letter is wrote in German and to show 
you what a foxy bird he is he wrote it out in print- 
ing so as if it got found by somebody they couldn't 
prove he wrote it because when words is wrote out 
in printing it looks just the same who ever wrote 
it and you can't tell. But he wasn't foxy enough 
to not sign G. S. down to the bottom of it and 
that stands for his name George Shaffer and he is 
the only G. S. in the Co. so it looks like we had 
him up in a tree. Here is what the letter says : 

"Field Marshall Van Hindenburg, c/o Die Vier- 
ten Dachshunds, Deutscher Armee, Planders. 
500,000 U. S. Soldaten schon in Frankreich doch. 
In Lauterbach habe Ich mein Strumpf verloren und 
ohne Strumpf gehe Ich nicht heim. xxxxxxx G. S." 

Notice them x marks again Al like in the other 
letter and the other letter was probably to Van 
Hindenburg to and I only wished I knew what the 
X marks means but maj^be some of the birds that's 
all ready in the intelligents dept. can figure it out. 
But they's no mystery about the rest of it Al be- 
cause Alcock understands German and he translated 



lia THE REAL DOPE 

it out what the German words means and here is 
what it means : 

500,000 United States soldiers in France all 
ready yet. Will advise you when to attack on this 
front. 

How is that Al for a fine trader and spy to tell 
the gen. of the German army how many soldiers 
we got over here and to not attack till Shaffer says 
the word and he was probably going to say it wile 
we was all asleep or something. But thanks to 
me Al he will be the one that is asleep and it wiU 
be some sleep Al and it will make old Rip and Win- 
kle look like they had the colic and when the boys 
finds out what I done for them I guess they won't 
be nothing to good for me. But it will be to late 
for them to show their appreciations because I 
w^on't be here no more and the boys probably won't 
see me again till its all over and we are back in 
the old U. S. because Alcock was talking to a bird 
that's in the int. dept. and he says 1 of their dutys 
was to keep away from everybody and not leave 
them know who you are. Because of course if word 
got out that you was a spy chaser the spys wouldn't 
hardly run up and kiss you on the st. but they 
would duck when they seen you and you would have 
as much chance to catch them as though you was 
trolling for wales with a grass hopper. 

And from this bird's dope that Alcock was talk- 
ing to I will half to leave off my uniform and wear 



DECORATED 113 

plain close and maybe wear false whiskers and etc. 
so as people who see me the 1st. time I will look 
different to them the next time they see me and 
maybe I will half to let my mustache grow and 
grease it so as they will think maybe I am a Dutch- 
man and if they are working for the Kaiser I could 
maybe pump them. 

But they's 1 thing I don't like about it Al be- 
cause Alcock says Paris is full of women that isn't 
exactly spys but they have been made a fool out 
of and they are some German's duke but the Dutch- 
mens tells them a whole lot of things that Uncle 
Sam would like to know and I would half to find 
them things out and the only way to do that would 
be to get them stuck on me and I guess that would- 
n't be no chore but when a gal gets stuck on you 
they will tell you everything they know and wile 
with most gals I ever seen they could do that with- 
out dropping another nickle still and all it would 
be different with these gals in Paris that's been 
the tools of some Dutchmens because you take a 
German and he don't never stop braging till he 
inhales a bayonet. 

But it don't seem fair to make love to them and 
pertend like I was nuts over them and then when 
I had learned all they was to know I would half to 
get rid of them and cast them to 1 side and god 
knows how many wounds I will leave behind me 
but probably as many as though I was a regular 



114! iTHE REAL DOPE 

soldier or snipper but then I wouldn't feel so bad 
about it because it would be men and not girlies 
but everything goes in war fair as they say Al 
and if Uncle Sam and Gen. Pershing asks me to 
do it I will do whatever they ask me and they can't 
nobody really hold it vs. me because of why I am 
doing it. 

But talking about snippers Al I noticed today 
that I wasn't near as good as usual in the riffle 
practice and it was like as if I was ha vein g a slump 
like some of the boys does in baseball when they 
go along 5 or 6 days without finding out who is 
umpireing the bases and I am afraid that is how 
it would be with me in snipping I would be O. K. 
part of the time and the rest of the time I couldn't 
hit Europe and maybe I would fall down when they 
was depending on me and then I would feel like a 
rummy so I guess I better not try and show up 
so good in practice even when I do feel O. K. be- 
cause they might make a snipper out of me without 
knowing my weakness and I figure its something 
the matter with my eyes. Besides Al it don't seem 
like its a fair game to be pecking away at some- 
body that they can't see you and aren't looking 
for no supprise and its a whole lot different then 
fighting with a bayonet where its man to man and 
may the best man win. 

Well Al I guess I have told you all the news and 
things is going along about as usual and they don't 




When a gal gets stuck on you they will tell you everything they know 



DECORATED 115 

seem to be no prospects of us overtakeing a section 
up to the front but its just train and train and 
train and if the ball clubs had a training trip like 
we been haveing they would be so tired by the 11 
of May that they wouldn't run out a base on balls. 
Yesterday we past by a flock of motor Lauras that 
was takeing wounded back to a base hospital some- 
wheres and Alcock was talking to 1 of the drivers 
and he said that over 100% of the birds that's get- 
ting wounded and killed these days is the snippers 
and the boshs don't never rest till they find out 
where there nests is at and then they get all their 
best marksmens and aim at where they think the 
snipper has got his nest and then its good night 
snipper and he is either killed right out or looses 
a couple of legs or something. I certainly feel 
sorry for the boys that's wounded Al and every 
time we see a bunch of them all us boys is crazy 
to get up there to the front and get even for what 
they done. 

Well old pal I will half to get busy now and 

overlook the dope I have got on Shaffer so as I will 

have everything in order for Capt. Seeley and I 

will write and let you know how things comes out. 

Your pal, Jack. 



lia THE REAL DOPE 

^Somemheres m Frcmce, April 18, 

rjlRIEND AL: Well Al they's a whole lot of 
■^ birds that thinks they are wise and always 
trying to pull off something on somebody but once 
in a wile they pick out the wrong bird to pull it 
on and then the laugh is on the smart Alex them- 
self. 

Well Alcock and some of them thought they 
was putting up a game on me and was going to 
make me look like a monkey but before I get 
through with them Al they will be the suckers and 
I will be giveing them the horse laugh but what 
I ought to do is bust them in the jaw and if I was 
running this war every bird that tried to pull off 
some practical joke to put a man in bad, I would 
give a lead shower in their honor some a. m. before 
breakfast. 

Alcock was trying to make me believe that 1 of 
the boys in the Co. name Geo. Shaffer was a Ger- 
man spy or something and they framed up a letter , 
like as if he wrote it to Van Hindenburg giveing 
away secrets in German about our army and etc. 
but they made the mistake of signing his initials 
to the letter so when I come to think it over I seen 
it must be a fake because a bird that was a real 
spy wouldn't never sign their own name to a letter 
but they would sign John Smith or something. 

But any way I had a hold of this letter and a 



DECORATED 117 

peace of another letter that Shaffer really did write 
it and I thought I would show them to Capt. Seeley 
and play it safe because they might be something 
in them after all and any way it would give him 
a good laugh. So j^esterday I went and seen him 
and he says "Well Keefe what can I do for you?" 
So I said "You can't do nothing for me sir but 
this time I can do something for you. What would 
you think if I told you they was a trader and a 
German spy in your Co." So he says "I would 
think you were crazy." So I said "I am afraid 
you will half to think so then but maybe you won't 
think I am so crazy when I show you the goods." 
So then Al I pulled that 1st. peace of a letter 
on him and showed it to him and he read it and 
when he got through he says "Well it looks suspi- 
cious all right. It looks like the man that wrote 
it was hacking up a big plot to spring a few de- 
pendents on his local board the next time they draft 
him." So I said "The bird that wrote that letter 
is a Dutchman name Geo. Shaffer." So Capt. 
Seeley says "Well I wish him all the luck in the 
world and a lot of little Shaffers." So I said "Yes 
but what about them x marks and all them letters 
without no words to them.^^" So he said "Didn't 
you never correspond with a girl and put some of 
them xs down to the bottom of your letter.?" So 
I says "I have wrote letters to a whole lot of girls 
but I never had to write nothing in ciphers because 



118 THE REAL DOPE 

1 wasn't never ashamed of anything I wrote." So 
he said *'Well your lady friends was all cheated 
then because this is ciphers all right but its the 
kind of messages they love to read because it means 
kisses." 

Well Al of course I knew it meant something 
like that but I didn't think a big truck horse like 
Shaffer would make such a mushmellow out of him- 
self. But anyway I said to Capt. Seeley I says 
*'A11 right but what about them other initials with- 
out no words to go with them?" And he says 
*'Well that's some more ciphers but they's probably 
a little gal out in Chi that don't half to look at no 
key to figure it out." 

So then I pulled the other letter on him the 1 
in German and he also smiled when he read this 
one and finely he says "Some of your pals has been 
playing a trick on you like when you come over 
on the ship and the best thing you can do is to 
tear the letters up and keep it quite and don't leave 
nobody know you fell for it. And now I have got 
a whole lot to tend to so good by." 

So that's all that was said between us and I come 
away and come back to quarters and Alcock and 

2 or 3 of the other boys was there and Alcock knew 
where I had been and I suppose he had told the 
other birds and they was all set to give me the Mary 
ha ha but I beat them to it. 

^'Well Alcock" I says when I come in "you are 



DECORATED 11& 

some joke Smith but you wouldn't think you was 
so funny if I punched your jaw." So he turned 
kind of pail but he forced a smile and says "Well 
I guess the Vin Blank is on you this time." So 1 
said "You won't get no Vin Blank off me but what 
you are libel to get is a wallop in the jaw." So 
he says "You crabbed at me a wile ago for not 
takeing a joke but it looks like you was the one 
that couldn't take them now." So I said "What 
I would like to take is a poke at your nose." So 
that shut him up and they didn't none of them 
get their laugh because I had them scared and if 
they had of laughed I would of made them swal- 
low it. 

So after all Al the laugh is on them because 
their gag fell dead and I guess the next time they 
try and pull some gag they will pick out some hick 
from some X roads to pull it on and not a bird 
that has traveled all over the big leagues and seen 
all they is to see. 

Well Al I am tickled to death I won't half to 
give up my uniform and snoop around Paris like 
a white wings double crossing women and spying 
and etc. and even if the whole thing hadn't of been 
just a joke I was going to ask Capt. Seeley to 
not reccomend me to no int. dept. but jest leave 
me be where I am at so as when the time comes I 
can fight fair like man to man and not behind no 
woman's skirts like a cur. 



12Q THE REAL DOPE 

So you see Al everything is O. K. after all 
and the laugh is on Alcoek and his friends because 
they was the ones that expected to do all the laugh- 
ing but instead of that I made a monkey out of 
them. Your pal, 

Jack. 



Somewheres in France, April 23. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al if you would see my 
-^ face you would think I had been attending a 
barrage or something or else I had been in a bar 
room fight only of course if it was a fair fight I 
wouldn't be so kind of marred up like I am. But 
I had a accident Al and fell over a bunk and lit 
on the old bean and the result is Al that I have got 
a black eye and a bad nose and my jaw is swole a 
little and my ears feels kind of dull like so I guess 
the ladys wouldn't call me Handsome Jack if they 
seen me but it will be all O. K. in a few days and 
I will be the same old Jack. 

But I will tell you how it come off. I was set- 
ting reading a letter from Florrie that all as she 
said in it was that she had boughten herself a new 
suit that everybody says was the cutest she ever 
had on her back just hke I give a dam because by 
the time I see her in it she will of gave it to little 
Al's Swede. But any way I was reading this letter 
when in come Shaffer the bird that was mixed up 



DECORATED 1^1 

in that little gag about the fake spy and he come 
up to me and says "Well you big snake who's male 
are you reading now?" Well Al him calling me 
big is like I would say hello Jumbo to a flee. But 
any way I says "My own male and who and the 
he — ^11 male would I be reading?" So he said 
"Well its hard to tell because you stole some of 
mine and read it and not only that but you showed 
it to the whole A. E. F. so now stand up and take 
what's comeing to you." 

Wei Al I thought he was just kidding so I says 
*'I come over here to fight Germans and not 1 of 
my own pals." So he says "Don't call me no pal, 
but if you come to fight Germans now is your 
chance because you say I'm 1 of them." 

Well he kind of made a funny motion like he 
wanted to spar or wrestle or something and I 
thought he meant it in a friendly way like we some- 
times pull off a rough house once in a wile so I 
stood up but before I had a chance to take holds 
with him he cut loose at me with his fists doubled 
up and I kind of triped or something and fell over 
a bench and I must have hit something sharp on 
the way down and I kind of got scratched up but 
they are only scratchs and don't amt. to nothing. 
Only I wished I knew he had of been serious and 
I would of made a punching bag out of him and 
you can bet that the next time he wants to start 
something I won't wait to see if he is jokeing but 



122 THE REAL DOPE 

I will tear into him and he will think he run into 
a Minnie WefFers. 

Well I suppose Alcock was sore at me for get- 
ting the best of him and not falling for his gag 
and he was afraid to tackle me himself and he told 
big Shaffer a peck of lies about some dam letter 
or something and said I stole it and it made Shaf- 
fer sore and no wonder because who wouldn't be 
sore if they thought somebody was reading their 
male. But a man like Shaffer that if he stopped 
a shell the Dutchmens would half to move back a 
ways so as they would be room enough in France 
to bury him hasn't got no right to pick on a smaller 
man especially when I wasn't feeling good on acct, 
of something I eat but at that Al size don't make 
no difference and its the bird that's got the nerve 
and knows how that can knock them dead and if 
Shaffer had of gave me any warning he would of 
been the 1 that is scratched up instead of I though 
I guess he is to lucky to trip over a kit bag and 
fall down and cut himself. 

But my scratchs don't really amt. to nothing 
!A.l and in a few days I will be Hke new. 

Your pal, Jack. 



DECORATED IgS 

Sovfiewlieres in France, April 25, 

ITfRIEND AL: Well old pal I have got some 
•^ big news for you now. We been ordered up 
to the front and its good by to this Class D burg 
and now for some real actions and I am tickled to 
death and I only hope the Dutchmens will loose 
their minds and try and start something up on the 
section where we are going to and I can't tell you 
where its at Al but you keep watching the papers 
and even if the boshs don't start nothing maybe 
we will start something on our own acct. and the 
next thing you know you will read where we have 
got them on the Lincoln highway towards Russia 
and believe me Al we won't half to stop every lit- 
tle wile to bring up no Van Hindenburg but we 
will run them ragged and they say the Germans 
is the best singers and when they all bust out with 
Comrades they will make the Great Lakes band 
sound like the Russia artillery. 

Well Al I am so excited I can't write much and 
I have got a 100 things to tend to so I will half 
to cut this letter short. 

Well some of the other birds like Alcock and 
them is pertending like they was tickled to death 
to but believe me Al if the orders was changed all 
of a sudden and they told us we was going to stay 
here till the duration of the war we wouldn't half 
to call on the Engrs. to dam their tear ducks. But 



lU THE REAL DOPE 

they pertend like they are pleased and keep whis- 
tleing so as they won't blubber and today they all 
laughed their heads off at something that come out 
in the Co. paper that some of the boys gets out 
but they laughed like they was nervous instead of 
enjoying it. 

Well what come out in the paper was supposed 
to be a joke on me and if they think its funny they 
are welcome and I would send the paper to you 
that its in only I haven't got only the 1 copy so 
I will copy it down and you can see for yourself 
what a screen it is. Well they's 1 peace that's 
got up to look like it was the casuality list in some 
regular newspaper and it says: 

Wounded in Action 

Privates 

Jack Keefe, Chicago, 111. (Very) 

And then they's another peace that reads like 
this: 

Decorated 
"The Company has won its first war honors and 
Private Jack Keefe is the lucky dog. Private 
Keefe has been decorated by Gen. George ShaflPer 
of the 4th. Dachshunds for extreme courage and 
cleverness in showing up a dangerous nest of spies. 
Keefe was hit four times by large caliber sheila 



DECORATED 125 

before he could say surrender. He was decorated 
with the Order of the Schwarz Auge, the Order of 
the Rot Nase and the Order of the Blumenkohl 
Ohren, besides which a Right Cross was hung on 
his jaw. Private Keefe takes his honors very mod- 
estly, no one having even heard him mention them 
except in stifled tones during the night." 

Well Al all right if they can find something to 
amuse themself and they need it I guess. But 
they better remember that they's plenty of time 
for the laugh to be on the other foot before this 
war is over. Your pal. 

Jack. 



CHAPTER V 



SAMMY BOY 



In the Trenchs, May 6. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al I haven't wrote you 
•M. no letter for a long wile and I suppose maybe 
you think something might of happened to me 
or something. Well old pal they hasn't nothing 
happened and I only wished they would because 
anything would be better than laying around here 
and I would rather stop a shell and get spread all 
over Europe then lay around here and die a day 
at a time you might say. 

Well I would of wrote you before only we was 
on the march and by the time night come around 
my dogs fret me so bad I couldn't think of noth- 
ing else and when they told us we was comeing up 
here I thought of course they would send us up 
in motor Lauras or something and not wear us all 
out before we got here but no it was drill every ft. 
of the way and I said to Johnny Alcock the night 
we got here that when they was sending us up here 
to die they might at lease give us a ride and he 
says no because when they send a man to the elec- 

126 



SAMMY BOY 121 

trie chair they don't push him up there in a go 
cart but they make him get there on his own dogs. 
So I said "Yes but he travels hght and he don't 
half to go far and when he gets there they's a 
chair waiting for him to set down in it but they 
load us up like a troop ship and walk us Y2 way 
to Sweden and when we finely get here we can either 
remain standing or lay down in a mud puddle and 
tuck ourself in." 

And another thing Al I thought they meant we 
was going right in the front line trenchs where a 
man has got a chance to see some fun but where 
we are at is what they call the reserve trenchs and 
w^e been here 3 days all ready and have got to stay 
here 7 days more that is unless they should some- 
thing happen to the regt. that's up ahead of us 
in the front line and if they get smashed up or 
something and half to be sent back to the factory 
then we will jump right in and take their place 
and I don't wish them no bad luck but I wished 
they would get messed up tonight at lease enough 
so as they would half to come out for repairs but 
it don't look like they was much chance of that 
as we are on a quite section where they hasn't been 
nothing doing since the war begin you might say 
but of course Jerry is raising he — ^11 all over the 
front now and here is where he will probably pick 
on next and believe me Al we will give him a wel- 
come. 



12g THE REAL DOPE 

But tlie way things is mapped out now we will 
be here another wk. yet and then up in the front 
row for 10 days and then back to the rest billets 
for a rest but they say the only thing that gets 
a rest back there is your stomach but believe me 
your stomach gets a holiday right here without 
going to no rest billets. 

Well I thought they would be some excitement 
up here but its like church but everybody says 
just wait till we get up in front and then we will 
have plenty of excitement well I hope they are 
telling the truth because its sure motonus here and 
about all as we do is have inspections and scratch. 
As Johnny Alcock says France may of lose a whole 
lot of men in this war but they don't seem to of 
been no casualitys amist the cuties. 

Well Al they's plenty of other bugs here as well 
as the kinds that itchs and I mean some of the 
boys themselfs and here is where it comes out on 
them is where they haven't nothing to do only lay 
around and they's 1 bird that his name is Harry 
Friend but the boys calls him the chicken hawk 
and its not only on acct. of him loveing the ladys 
but he is all the wile writeing letters to them and 
he is 1 of these fancy writers that has to wind up 
before he comes down on the paper with a word 
and between every word he sores up and swoops 
down again like he was over a barn yard and some- 
times the boys set around and bets on how many 



SAMMY BOY 129 

wirls he will take before he will get within writeing 
distants of the paper. 

Well any way he must get a whole lot of letters 
wrote if he answers all the ones that comes for him 
because every time you bump into him he pulls one 
on you that he just got from some gal that's nuts 
about him somewheres in the U. S. and its always 
a different 1 and I bet the stores that sells service 
stars kept open evenings the wk. this bird enlisted 
in the draft. But today it was a French gal that 
he had a letter from her some dame in Chalons and 
he showed me her picture and she's some queen AI 
and he is pulling for us to be sent there on our 
leave after we serve our turn up here and I don't 
blame him for wanting to be where she's at and 
I wished they was some baby doll that I could pal 
around with in what ever burg they ship us to. 
But I don't know nobody Al and besides I'm a mar- 
ried man so no flirting with the parley vous for 
me and I suppose I will spend most of my time with 
the 2 Vin sisters and a headache. 

Your pal. Jack. 

In the Trenchs, May 9, 

rpRIEND AL: Well Al I was talking to 1 of 
-*■ the boys Jack Brady today and we was talk- 
ing about Harry Friend and I told Jack about him 
getting a letter from this French girlie at Chalons 



im THE REAL DOPE 

and how he was pulling for us to go there on our 
leave so as he could see her so Jack said he didn't 
think we would go there but thej would probably: 
send us to 1 of the places where we could get a 
bath as god knows we will need one and they will 
probably send us to Aix les Bains or Nice or O. D. 
Cologne. So I said I didn't care where we was 
sent as they wouldn't be no gal waiting for me in 
none of them towns so Jack says it was my own 
fault if they wasn't as all these places was full of 
girlies that was there for us to dance with them 
and etc. and the officers had all their names and 
addresses and the way to do was write to 1 of them 
and tell her when you was comeing and would she 
like to show you around and he said he would see 
1 of the lieuts. that he stands pretty good with 
him and see what he could do for me. Well Al I 
told him to go ahead as I thought it was just a 
joke but sure enough he showed up after a wile 
and he said the lieut. didn't only have 1 name left 
but she was a queen and he give me her name and 
address and its Miss Marie Antoinette 14 rue de 
Nez Rouge, O. D. Cologne. 

Well Al I didn't have nothing else to do so I 
set down and wrote her a note and I will coppy 
down what I wrote: 

*^Dear Miss Antoinette: I suppose you will be 
jBUpprised to hear from me and I hope you won't 







Wj^^ ' 




^^dL,^^<Lj;::i%. 



Every time you bump into him he pulls a letter on you 



SAMMY BOY 131 

think I am some fresh bird writeing you this letter 
for a joke or something but I am just 1 of Uncle 
Sam's soldiers from the U. S. A. and am now in 
the trenchs fighting for your country. Well Miss 
Antoinette we expect to be here about S wks. more 
and then we will have a leave off for a few days 
and some of the boys thinks we may spend it in 
your city and I thought maybe you might be good 
enough to show me around when we get there. I 
was a baseball pitcher back in the U. S. A. tall and 
athletic build and I don't suppose you know what 
baseball is but thought maybe you would wonder 
what I look like. Well if you aren't busy when 
we get there I will hope to see you and if you are 
agreeable drop me a line here and I will sure look 
you up when I get there." 

So then I give her my name and where to reach 
me and of course they won't nothing come out of 
it Al only a man has got to amuse yourself some 
way in a dump like this or they would go crazy. 
But it would sure be a horse on me if she was to 
answer the letter and say she would be glad to see 
me and then of course I would half to write and 
tell her I was a married man or else not write to 
her at all but of course they won't nothing come 
out of it and its a good bet we won't never see Co- 
logne as that was just a guess on Brady's part. 

Well Al things is going along about like usual 



13^ THE REAL DOPE 

with nothing doing only inspections and etc. and 
teUing us how to behave when we get up there in 
the front row and not to stick our head over the 
top in the day time and you would think we was 
the home guards or something and at that I guess 
the home guards is seeing as much of the war as 
we are in this old ditch but they say it will be dif- 
ferent when we get up in front and believe me I 
hope so and they can't send us there to soon to 
suit me. [Your pal, 

Jack. 

In the Trenchs, May 11, 

WTfRIEND AL: Well Al here we are up in the 
-^ front line trenchs and we come in here 2 days 
ahead of time but that's the way they run every- 
thing in the army except feed you but they don't 
never do nothing when they say they are going to 
and I suppose they want a man to get use to have- 
ing things come by supprise so as it won't interfere 
with your plans if you get killed a couple days be- 
fore you was looking for it. 

Well Al we are looking for it now most any day 
and this may be the last letter you will ever get 
from your old pal and you may think I am kidding 
when I say that but 1 of the boys told me a wile 
ago that he heard Capt. Seeley telling 1 of the 



SAMMY BOY 133 

lieuts. that the reason we come in here ahead of 
time was on acct. of them expecting the Dutchmans 
to make their next drive on this section and the 
birds that we are takeing their place was a bunch 
of yellow stiffs that was hard of hearing except 
when they was told to retreat and Gen. Pershing 
figured that if they was up here when Jerry made 
a attack they would turn around and open up a 
drive on Africa and the bosh has been going 
through the rest of the line like it was held by the 
ladies aid and Gen. Foch says they have got to 
be stopped so we are elected Al and you know what 
that means and it means we can't retreat under no 
conditions but stay here till we get killed. So you 
see I wasn't kidding Al and it looks like it was only 
a question of a few days or maybe not that long 
but at that I guess most of the boys would just 
as leave stop a Dutch bayonet as to lay around in 
this he — ^11 hole. Believe me Al this is a fine resort 
to spend 10 days at what with the mud and the 
perfume and a whole menajery usein^ you for a 
parade grounds. 

Well Capt. Seeley wants us to get all the rest 
we can now on acct. of what's comeing off after a 
wile but believe me I am not going to oversleep 
myself in this he — 11 hole because suppose Jerry 
would pick out the time wile you was asleep to 
come over and pay us a visit and they's supposed 



134j the real dope 

to be some of the boys on post duty to watch all 
night and keep their eye pealed and wake us up 
if they's something stiring but I have been in ho- 
tels a lot of times and left a call with some gal 
that didn't have nothing to do only pair her finger 
nails and when the time come ring me up but even 
at that she forgot it so what chance is they for 1 
of these sentrys to remember and wake everybody 
up when maj^^be they's 5 or 6 Dutchmens divideing 
him into building lots with their bayonet or some- 
thing. So as far as I am conserned I will try and 
keep awake wile I can because it looks like when 
we do go to sleep we will stay asleep several yrs. 
and even if we are lucky enough to get back to 
them rest billets we can sleep till the cows come 
home a specially if they give us some more of them 
entertainments like we had in camp. 

Well Al before we got here I thought they would 
be so much fireing back and 4th. up here that a 
man couldn't hear themself think but I guess Jerry 
is saveing up for the big show though every little 
wile they try and locate our batterys and clean 
them out and once in so often 1 of our big guns 
replys but as Johnny Alcock says you couldn't 
never accuse our artillrys from being to gabby 
and I guess we are lucky they are pretty near 
speechless as they might take a notion to fire short 
but any way a little wile ago 1 of our guns sent 



SAMMY BOY 135 

a big shell over and Johnny says what and the 
he — ^11 can that be and I said its a shell from 1 of 
our guns and he says he thought they fired 1 yes- 
terday. 

Well as I say here we are with 10 days of it 
stareing us in the eye and the cuties for company 
and the only way we can get out of here ahead of 
time is on a stretcher and I wouldn't mind that Al 
but as I say I want to be awake when my time 
comes because if I am going to get killed in this 
war I want to have some idear who done it. 

Your pal, Jack. 

In the Trenchs, May H. 

WTfRIEND AL: Well Al I got the supprise of 
-* my life today when Jack Brady handed me 
a letter that had came for me and that's supprise 
enough itself but all the more when I opened it up 
and seen who it was from. Well it was from that 
baby in Cologne and I will coppy it down as it is 
short and you can see for yourself what she says. 
Well here it is : 

"Dear Mr, Keefe: Your letter just reached me 
and you can bet I was glad to get it. I sure will 
be glad to see you when you come to Cologne and 
I will be more than glad to show you the sights. 



186 THE REAL DOPE 

This is some town and we sure will have a time 
when you get here. I am just learning to write 
English so please excuse mistakes but all I want 
to say is don't disappoint me but write when you 
will come so I can be all dressed up comme un che- 
yal. Avec I'amour und kussen. 

"Mauie Antoinette." 

You see Al they's part of it wrote in French and 
that last part means with love and kisses. Well I 
guess that letter I wrote her must have went over 
strong and any ways it looks like she didn't ex- 
actly hate me eh Al? Well it looks like I would 
half to write to her back and tell her I am a mar- 
ried man and they can't be no flirting between her 
and I but if she wants to be a good pal and show 
me around O. K. and no harm done. Well I hope 
she takes it that way because it sure will seem good 
to talk to a gal again that can talk a Httle English 
and not la la la all the wile but of course its a good' 
bet that I won't never see her because we are just 
as libel to go somewheres else as Cologne though 
Brady seems to think that's where we are headed 
for. Well time will tell and in the mean wile we 
are libel to get blowed to he — ^11 and gone and then 
of course it would be good by sweet Marie but I 
was supprised to hear from her as I only wrote 
to her in fun and didn't think nothing would come 
from it but I guess Harr^ Friend isn't the onlj 



SAMMY BOY 13T 

lady killer in the U. S. army and if I was 1 of 
the kind that shows oflF all their letters I guess I 
have got 1 now to show. 

A side from all that Al we was supposed to have 
our chow a hr. ago but no ehow and some of the 
boys says its on acct. of our back arears being un- 
der fire and you see the kitchens is way back of 
the front lines and the boys on chow detail is sup- 
posed to bring our food up here but when the back 
arears is under fire they are scared to bring it up 
or they might maybe run into some bad luck on the 
way. How is that for fine dope Al when a whole 
regt. starves to death because a few yellow stiffs 
is afraid that maybe a shell might light near them 
and spill a few beans. Brady says maybe they 
are trying to starve us so as we will get mad and 
fight harder when the time comes like in the old 
days when they use to have fights between men and 
lions in Reno and Rome and for days ahead they 
wouldn't give the lions nothing to eat so as they 
would be pretty near wild when they got in Reno 
and would make a rush at the gladaters that was 
supposed to fight them and try and eat them up 
on acct. of being so near starved. Well Al I would 
half to be good and hungry before I would want 
to eat a Dutchman a specially after they been in 
the trenchs a wile. 

But any way it don't make a whole lot of dif- 
ferents if the chow gets here or not because when; 



13S THE REAL DOPE 

it comes its nothing only a eye dropper full of 
soup and coffee and some bread that I would hate 
to have some of it fall on my toe and before we 
left the U. S. everybody was trying to preserve 
food so as the boys in France would have plenty 
to eat but if they sent any of the preserves over 
here the boat they come on must of stopped a tor- 
pedo and I hope the young mackerels won't make 
themselfs sick on sweets. 

Jokeing to 1 side this is some climate Al and 
they don't never a day pass without it raining and 
I use to think the weather profits back home had 
a snap that all they had to do was write down 
rain or snow or fair and even if they was wrong 
they was way up there where you couldn't get at 
them but they have got a tough job when you look 
at a French weather profit and as soon as he learns 
the French for rain he can open up an office and 
he don't half to hide from nobody because he can't 
never go wrong though Alcock says they have got 
a dry season here that begins the 14« of July and 
ends that night but its a holiday so the weather 
profit don't half to monkey with it. Any way its 
so dark here all the wile that you can't hardly tell 
day and night only at night times the Dutchmens 
over across the way sends up a flare once in a wile 
to light things up so as they can see if they's any 
of us prowling around Nobody's Land and speak- 
ing about Nobody's Land Brady says its the 



SAMMY BOY 139 

ground that lays between the German trenchs and 
the vermin trenchs but jokeing to 1 side if it wasn't 
for these here flares we wouldn't know they was 
anybody over in tliem other trenchs and when we 
come in here they was a lot of talk about Jerry 
sending over a patrol to find out who we was but 
it looks like he wasn't interested. But all and all 
Al its nothing like I expected up here and all we 
have seen of the war is when a shell or 2 busts in 
back of us or once in a wile 1 of their areoplanes 
comes over and 1 of ours chases them back and 
sometimes they have a battle but they always man- 
age to finish it where we can't see it for the fear 
we might enjoy ourselfs. 

Well it looks like we would half to go to bed 
on a empty stomach if you could call it bed and 
speaking about stomach Brady says they's a old 
saying that a army travels on their stomach but a 
cutie covers a whole lot more ground. But as I 
say when you don't get your chow you don't miss 
much only it kills a little time and everybody is 
sick in tired of doing nothing and 1 of the boys 
>vas saying tonight he wished the Dutchmens would 
attack so as to break the motley and Alcock said 
that if they did attack he hoped they would do it 
with gas as his nose needed a change of air. 

Your pal. Jack. 



14a THE HEAL DOPE 

In the Trenchs, May 16, 

T^RIEND AL: Well old pal I come within a 
■^ ace you might say of not being here to write 
you this letter and you may think that's bunk but 
wait till you hear what come off. Well it seems our 
scout planes brought back word yesterday that the 
Dutch regt. over across the way had moved out 
and another regt. had took their place and it seems 
when they make a change like that our gens, al- 
ways trys to find out who the new rivals is so the 
orders come yesterday that we was to get up a 
patrol party for last night and go over and take 
a few prisoners so as we would know what regt. 
we was up vs. Well as soon as the news come out 
they was some of the boys volunteered to go in the 
patrol and they was only a few going so I didn't 
feel like noseing myself in and maybe crowding 
somebody out that was set on going and besides 
what and the he — 11 do I care what regt. is there 
as long as its Germans and its like you lived in a 
flat and the people across the hall moved out and 
some people moved in why as long as you knowed 
they wasn't friends of yours you wouldn't rush 
over and ring their door bell and say who the he — ^11 
are you but you would wait till they had time to 
get some cards printed and stick 1 in the mail box. 
So its like I told Alcock that when the boys come 
back they would tell the Col. that the people opp. 



SAMMY BOY 141 

us was Germans and the Col. would be supprised 
because he probably thought all the wile that they 
was the Idaho boy scouts or something. But at 
that I pretty near made up my mind at the last 
minute to volunteer just to break the motley you 
might say but it was to late and I lost out. 

Well Al the boys that went didn't come back and 
I hope the Col. is satisfied now because he has lost 
that many men and he knows just as much as he 
did before namely that they's some Germans across 
the way and either they killed our whole bunch or 
took them a prisoner and instead of us learning who 
they are they found out who we are because the 
boys that's gone is all from our regt. and its just 
like as if we went over and give them the informa- 
tion they wanted to save them the trouble of come- 
ing over here and getting it. 

Well it don't make a man feel any happier to 
think about them poor boys and god only knows 
what happened to them if they are prisoners or 
dead and some of them was pals of mine to but the 
worst part of it is that the word will be sent home 
that they are missing in actions and their wifes 
won't know what become of them if they got any 
and I can't help from thinking I might of been 
with them only for not wanting to crowd somebody 
out and if I had of went my name would be in the 
casuality list as missing in actions but I guess at 
that if Florrie j)icked up the paper and seen it 



im THE REAL DOPE 

she wouldn't know it was her husband its so long 
since she wrote it on a envelop. 

Well Al they's other gals in the world besides 
Florrie and of course its to late to get serious with 
them when a man has got a wife and kid but believe 
me I am going to enjoy myself if they happen to 
pick out Cologne to send us to and if the little gal 
down there is 1 of the kind that can be good pals 
with a man without looseing her head over me I 
will sure have a good time but I suppose when she 
sees me she will want to begin flirting or something 
and then I will half to pass her up before anybody 
gets hurt. Well any way I wrote her a friendly 
letter today and just told her to keep me in mind 
and I stuck a few French words in it for a gag 
but I will coppy down what I wrote the best I can 
remember it so you will know what I wrote. Here 
it is : 

Mon cher Marie: Your note reed, and you can 
bet I was mighty glad to hear from you and learn 
you would show me around Cologne. That is if 
they send us there and if we get out of here alive. 
Well you said you was just learning English well 
I will maybe be able to help you along and you 
can maybe help me with the French so you see it 
will be 50 50. Well I sure hope they send us to 
Cologne and I will let you know the minute I find 
out where they are going to send us and maybe 



SAMMY BOY 143 

even if its somewheres else couldn't you visit there 
at the same time and ma3^be I could see you. Well 
srirlie we will be out of here in less then a wk. now 
if we don't have no bad luck and you can bet I 
won't waist no time getting to where ever they 
send us and I hope its Cologne. So in the mean 
wile don't take no wood nickles and don't get im- 
patient but be a good girlie and save up your lov- 
ing for me. Tres beaucoup from 

Your Sammy Boy, 

Jack Keefe. 

That's what I wrote her Al and I bet she can't 
hardly wait to hear if I'm comeing or not but I 
don't suppose they's any chance of them sending us 
there and a specially if they find out that anybody 
wants to go there but maybe she can fix it to meet 
me somewheres else and any ways they won't be no 
lifes lost if I never see her and maybe it would be 
better that way. But a man has got to write let- 
ters or do something to keep your mind off what 
happened to them poor birds that went in the pa- 
trol and a specially when I come so near being 1 of 
them. Your pal, 

Jack. 



1441 THE REAL DOPE 

In the TrenchSy May 18. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al if I am still alive yet 
•* its not because I laid back and didn't take no 
chances and I wished some of the baseball boys that 
use to call me yellow when I was in there pitching 
had of seen me last night and I guess they would 
of sang a different song only in the 1st. place I 
was where they couldn't nobody see me and sec- 
ondly they would of been so scared they would of 
choked to death if they tried to talk let alone sing. 
But wait till you hear about it. 

Well yesterday p. m. Sargent Crane asked me 
how I liked life in the trenchs and I said O. K. 
only I got tired on acct. of they not being no ex- 
citement or nothing to do and he says oh they's 
plenty to do and I could go out and help the boys 
fix up the bob wire in front of the trenchs like we 
done back in the training camp. So I said I didn't 
see how they could be any fixing needed as they 
hadn't nothing happened on this section since the 
war started you might say and the birds that was 
here before us had plenty of time to fix it if it 
needed fixing. So he says "Well any ways they's 
no excitement to fixing the wire but if you was 
looking for excitement why didn't you go with that 
patrol the other night?" So I said "Because I 
didn't see no sence to trying to find out who was 
in the other trenchs when we know they are Ger- 



SAMMY BOY 145 

mans and that's all we need to know. Wait till 
they's a real job and you won't see me hideing be- 
hind nobody." So he says "I've got a real job for 
you tonight and you can go along with Ted Phil- 
lips to the listening post." 

Well Al a listening post is what they call a little 
place they got dug out way over near the German 
trenchs and its so close you can hear them talk 
sometimes and you are supposed to hear if they 
are getting ready to pull something and report 
back here so as they won't catch us asleep. Well 
I was wild to go just for something to do but I 
been haveing trouble with my ears lately probably 
on acct. of the noise from so much shell fire or 
something but any ways I have thought a couple 
times that I was getting a little deef so I thought 
I better tell him the truth so I said "I would be 
tickled to death to go only I don't know if I ought 
to or not because I don't hear very good even in 
English and of course Jerry would be telling their 
plans in German and suppose I didn't catch on to 
it and I would feel like a murder if they started 
a big drive and I hadn't gave my pals no warn- 
ing." So he says "Don't worry about that as Phil- 
lips has got good ears and understands German 
and he has been there before only in a job like that 
a man wants company and you are going along for 
Company." 

Well before we snuck out there Sargent Crane 



146 THE REAL DOPE 

called us to 1 side and says "You bo3'^s is takeing 
a big chance and Phillips knows what to do but 
you want to remember Keefe to keep quite and not 
make no noise or talk to each other because if Jerry 
finds out you are there we probably won't see you 
again." 

Well Al it finely come time for us to go and we 
went and if anybody asks you how to spend a pleas- 
ant evening don't steer them up against a listening 
post with a crazy man. Well I suppose you think 
its pretty quite there at home nights and I use to 
think so to but believe me Al, Bedford at 2 o'clock 
in the a. m. is a bowling alley along the side of 
1 of these here listening posts. It may sound 
funny but I would of gave a month's pay if some- 
body would of shot off a fire cracker or anything 
to make a noise. There was the bosh trench about 
SO yds. from us but not a sound out of them and 
a man couldn't help from thinking what if they had 
of heard us out there and they was getting ready 
to snoop up on us and that's why they was keep- 
ing so still and it got so as I could feel 1 of their 
bayonets burrowing into me and I am no quitter 
Al when it comes to fighting somebody you can 
see but when you have got a idear that somebody 
is cralling up on you and you haven't no chance 
to fight back I would like to see the bird that could 
enjoy themself and besides suppose my ears had 
went back on me worse then I thought and the 



SAMMY BOY 147 

Dutchmens was realy makeing' a he — ^11 of a racket 
but I couldn't hear them and maybe they was get- 
ting ready to come over the top and I wouldn't 
know the differents and all of a sudden they would 
lay a garage and dash out behind it and if they 
didn't kill us we would be up in front of the court's 
marshal for not warning our pals. 

Well as I say I would of gave anything for some 
one to of fired off a gun or made some noise of some 
kind but when this here Phillips finely opened up 
his clam and spoke I would of jumped a mile if 
they had of been any room to jump anywheres. 
Well the sargent had told us not to say nothing 
but all of a sudden right out loud this bird says 
this is a he — 11 of a war. Well I motioned back 
at him to shut up but of course he couldn't see 
me and he thought I hadn't heard what he said so 
he said it over again so then I thought maybe he 
hadn't heard the sargent's orders so I whispered 
to him that he wasn't supposed to talk. Well Al 
they wasn't no way of keeping him quite and he 
says "That's all bunk because I been out here be- 
fore and talked my head off and nothing hap- 
pened." So I says well if you have got to talk 
you don't half to yell it. So then he tried to whis- 
per Al but his whisper sounded like a jazz record 
with a crack in it so he says I'm not yelling I am 
whispering so I said jos I have heard Hughey 
Jennings whisper like that out on the lines. 



148 THE REAL DOPE 

So he shut up for a wile but pretty soon he 
busted out again and this time he was louder then 
ever and he asked me could I sing and I said no I 
couldn't so then he says well you can holler can't 
you so I said I suppose I could so he says "Well 
I know how we could play a big joke on them square 
heads. Lets the both of us begin yelling like a 
Indian and they will hear us and they will think 
they's a whole crowd of us here and they will be- 
gin bombing us or something and think they are 
going to kill a whole crowd of Americans but it 
will only be us 2 and we can give them the laugh 
for waisting their ammunitions." 

Well Al I seen then that I was parked there with 
a crazy man and for a wile I didn't say nothing 
because I was scared that I might say something 
that would encourage him some way so I just shut 
up and finely he says what is the matter ain't you 
going to join me? So I said I will join you in 
the jaw in a minute if you don't shut your mouth 
and then he quited down a little, but every few 
minutes he would have another swell idear and once 
he asked me could I imitate animals and I said no 
so he says he could mew like a cow and he had 
heard the boshs was so hard up for food and they 
would rush out here thinking they was going to 
find a cow but it wouldn't be no cow but it would 
be a horse on them. 

Well you can imagine what I went through out 



SAMMY BOY 149 

there witli a bird like that and I thought more then 
once I would catch it from him and go nuts my- 
self but I managed to keep a hold of myself and 
the happiest minute of my life was when it was 
time for us to crall back in our dug outs but at 
that I can't remember how we "got back here. 

This A. M. Sargent Crane asked me what kind 
of a time did we have and I told him and I told him 
this here Phillips was squirrel meat and he says 
Phillips is just as sane as anybody usualy only 
everybody that went out on the listening post was 
effected that way by the quite and its a wonder I 
didn't go nuts to. 

Well its a wonder I didn't AI and its a good thing 
I kept my head and kept him from playing 1 of 
those tricks as god knows what would of happened 
and the entire regt. might of been wipped out. 
But I hope they don't wish no more listening post 
on me but if they do you can bet I will pick my 
own pardner and it won't be no nut and no matter 
what Sargent Crane says if this here Phillips is 
sane we're stopping at Palm Beach. 

Your pal, Jack. 

In the Trenchs, May 19. 

jniRIEND AL: Well old pal don't say nothing 
-^ about this not even to Bertha what I am go- 
ing to tell you about as some people might not 



150 THE REAL DOPE 

understand and a specially a woman and might 
maybe think I wasn't acting right towards Florrie 
or something though when a man is married to a 
woman that he has been in France pretty near 4 
mos. and she has wrote him 3 letters I don't see 
where she would have a sqawk comeing at whatever 
I done but of course I am not going to do nothing 
that I wouldn't just as leave tell her about it only 
I want to tell her myself and when I get a good 
ready. 

Well I guess I told you we was only supposed 
to stay here in the front line 10 days and then 
they will somebody come and releive us and take 
our place and then we go to the rest billets some- 
wheres and lay around till its our turn to come 
up here again. Well Al we been in the front line 
now eight days and that means we won't only be 
here S days more so probably we will get out of 
here the day after tomorrow night. Well up to 
today we didn't have no idear where we was going 
to get sent as they's several places where the boys 
can go on leave like Aix le Bains and Nice and 
etc. and we didn't know which 1 it would be. So 
today we was talking about it and I said I wished 
I knew for sure and Jack Brady stands pretty 
good with 1 of the lieuts. so he says he would ask 
him right out. So he went and asked him and the 
lieut. told him Cologne. 

Well Al I hadn't no sooner found out when 1 



SAMMY BOY 151 

of the boys hands me a letter that just come and 
it was a letter from this baby doll that I told you 
about that's in Cologne and I will coppy down 
the letter so you can see for yourself what she says 
and here it is Al: 

Dear Sammy Boy: 

I was tres beaucoup to get your letter and will 
sure be glad to see you and can hardly wait till 
you get here. Don't let them send you anywhere 
else as Cologne is the prettiest town in France and 
the liveliest and we will sure have some time going 
to shows etc. and I hope you bring along beaucoup 
francs. Well I haven't time to write you much of 
a letter as I have got to spend the afternoon at the 
dressmaker's. You see I am getting all dolled up 
for my Sammy Boy. But be sure and let me know 
when you are going to get here and when you reach 
Cologne jump right in a Noir et Blanc taxi and 
come up to the house. You know the number so 
come along Sammy and make it toot sweet. 
Yours with tres beaucoup, 

Maeie. 

So that's her letter Al and it looks like I was 
going to be in right in old O. D. Cologne and it 
sure does look like fate was takeing a hand in the 
game when things breaks this way and when I 
wrote to this gal the first time I didn't have no 



152 THE REAL DOPE 

idear of ever seeing her but the way things Is turn- 
ing out it almost seems like we was meant to meet 
each other. Well Al I only hope she has got some 
sence and won't get to likeing me to well or of 
course all bets is off but if we can just be good 
pals and go around to shows etc. together I don't 
see where I will be doing anything out of the way. 
Only as I say don't say nothing about it to Bertha 
or nobody else as people is libel to not understand 
and I guess most of them women back In the U. S. 
thinks that when a man has been up at the front 
as long as we have and then when he gets a few 
days leave he ought to take a running hop step 
and jump to the nearest phonograph and put on 
a Rodeheaver record. Your pal. 

Jack. 



In tJie Trenchs, May 20, 

rrfRIEND AL: Well Al just a line and it will 
-» probably be the last time I will write you from 
the trenchs for a wile as our time is up tomorrow 
night and the next time I write you it will probably 
be from Cologne and I will tell you what kind of a 
time they show us there and all about it. I just 
got through writeing a note to the little gal there 
telling her I would get there as soon as possible 
but I couldn't tell her when that would be as I don't 
know how far it is or how we get there but Brady 



Sli^MMY BOY 163 

said he thought it was about 180 miles so I sup- 
pose they will make us walk. 

Well talk about a quite section and they hasn't 
even been a gun went off all day or no areoplanes 
or nothing and here we thought we was going to 
see a whole lot of excitement and we haven't fired 
a shot or throwed a grenade or even saw a German 
all the wile we was here and we are just like when 
we come only for those poor birds that went on 
that wild goose chase and didn't come back and 
they's been some talk about sending another patrol 
over to get revenge for those poor boys but I guess 
they won't nothing come of it. It would be like 
sending good money after bad is the way I look 
at it. 

Several of the boys has been calling me Sammy 
Boy today and I signed my name that way in 1 
of the notes I wrote that little gal and I suppose 
who ever censored it told some of the boys about 
it and now they are trying to kid me. Well Al I 
don't see where a censor has got any license to spill 
stuff like that but they's no harm done and they 
can laugh at me all they want to wile we are here 
as I will be the 1 that does the laughing when we 
get to Cologne. And I guess a whole lot of them 
will wish they was this same Sammy Boy when they 
see me paradeing up and down the blvd. with the 
bell of the ball. O you sweet Marie. 

Your pal, Jack. 



154i THE REAL DOPE 

In tlie Trenchs, May 22, 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al its all off and we are 
* here yet and what is more we are libel to be 
here till the duration of the war if we don't get 
killed and believe me I would welcome death rather 
then stay in this he — ^11 hole another 10 days and 
from now on I am going to take £ill the chances 
they is to take and the sooner they finish me I will 
be glad of it and it looks like it might come tonight 
Al as I have volunteered to go along with the patrol 
that's going over and try and get even for what 
they done to our pals. 

Well old pal it was understood when we come 
up here that we would be here 10 days and yes- 
terday was the 10th. day we was here. Well I 
happened to say something yesterday to Sargent 
Crane about what time was we going and he says 
where to and I said I thought our time was up and 
we was going to get releived. So he says "Who is 
going to releive us and what and the he — 11 do you 
want to be releived of?" So I said I understood 
they didn't only keep a regt. in the front line 10 
days and then took them out and sent them to a 
rest billet somewheres. So he says what do you 
call this but a rest billet.'* So then I asked him 
how long we had to stay here and he said "Well 
it may be a day or it may be all summer. But if 



SAMMY BOY 165 

we get ordered out in a hurry it won't be to go 
to no rest billet but it will be to go up to where 
they are fighting the war." 

So I made the remark that I wished somebody 
had of tipped me off as I had fixed up a kind of 
a date thinking we would be through here in 10 
days. So he asked me where my date was at and 
I said Cologne. So then he kind of smiled and said 
"O and when was you planing to start?" So I 
said "I was figureing on starting tonight." So 
he waited a minute and then he said "Well I don't 
know if I can fix it for you tonight or tomorrow 
night, but they's some of the boys going to start 
in that direction one of them times and I guess 
you can go along." 

Well Al I suppose Alcock and Brady and them 
has been playing another 1 of their gags on me 
and I hope they enjoj^ed it and as far as I am 
conserned they's no harm done. Cologne Al is way 
back of the German lines and when Sargent Crane 
said they was some of the boys starting in that 
direction he meant this here patrol. So I'm in on 
it Al and they didn't go last night but tonight's 
the big night. And some of the boys is calling me 
Sammy Boy and trying to make a monkey out of 
me but the smart Alex that's doing it isn't none 
of them going along on this raid and that's just 
what a man would expect from them. Because 



156 THE REAL DOPE 

they's a few of us Al that come across the old pud- 
dle to fight and the rest of them thinks they are 
at the Young Peoples picnic. Your pal, 

Jack. 



CHAPTER VI 



SIMPLE SIMON 



In the Trenchs, May 29. 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al we have been haveing 
-* a lot of fun with a bird name Jack Simon 
only the boys calls him Simple Simon and if you 
seen him you wouldn't ask why because you would 
know why as soon as you seen him without asking 
why as he keeps his mouth open all the wile so as 
he will be ready to swallow whatever you tell him 
as you can tell him anything and he eats it up. So 
the boys has been stuffing him full of storys of 
all kinds and he eats them all up and you could 
tell him the reason they had the bob wire out in 
front was to scratch yourself on it when the cuties 
was useing you for a race track and he would eat 
it up. 

Well when we come in here and took over this 
section this bird was sick and I don't know what 
ailed him only it couldn't of been brain fever but 
any way he didn't join us in here till the day be- 
fore yesterday but ever since he joined us the boys 
has been stuffing him full and enjoying themself 
at his expenses. Well the 1st. thing he asked m^ 

157 



158 THE REAL DOPE 

was if we had saw any actions since we been her6 
and I told him about a raid we was on the other 
night before he come and we layed down a garagfi 
and then snuck over to the German trenchs and 
jumped into them trying to get a hold of som^ 
prisoners but we couldn't find head or tale of no 
Germans where our bunch jumped in as they had 
ducked and hid somewheres when they found out 
we was comeing. So he says he wished he could 
of been along as he might of picked up some sou-* 
venirs over in their trenchs. 

That's 1 of his bugs Al is getting souvenirs 
as he is 1 of these here souvenir hounds that it 
don't make no differents to him who wins the war 
as long as he can get a ship load of junk to carry 
it back home and show it oiF. So I told Johnny 
Alcock and some of the other boys about Simon 
wishing he could of got some souvenirs so they 
framed up on him and begin selling him junk that 
they told him they had picked it up over in the 
German trenchs and Alcock blowed some cigarette 
smoke in a bottle and corked it up and told him 
it was German tear gas and Simon give him 8 
franks for it and Jack Brady showed him a couple 
of laths tied together with a peace of wire and told 
him it was a part of the areoplane that belonged 
to Guy Meyer the French ace that brought down 
so many Dutchmans before they finely got him and 
Brady said he hated to part with it as he had took 



SIMPLE SIMON 169 

it off a German prisoner that he brought in but 
if Simon thought it was worth SO franks he could 
have it. So Simon bought it of him and wanted 
to know all about how Brady come to get the pris- 
oner and of course Brady had to make it up as 
we haven't saw a German let alone take them a 
prisoner since we was back in the training arears 
and wouldn't know they was any only for their ar- 
tillery and throwing up rockets at night and snip- 
ping at a man every time you go out on a wire 
party or something. 

But any way Simon eats it up whatever you pull 
on him and some times I feel sorry for him and 
feel like tipping him off but the boys fun would 
be spoiled and believe me they need some kind of 
sport up here or pretty soon we would all be worse 
off then Simon and we would be running around 
fomenting at the mouth. 

Well Al I wished you would write once in a wile 
if its only a line as a man likes to get mail once 
in a wile and I haven't heard from Florrie for 
pretty near a month and then all as she said was 
that the reason she hadn't wrote was because she 
wasn't feeling the best and I suppose she got some- 
thing in her eye but anything for an excuse to not 
write and you would think I had stepped outdoors 
to wash the windows instead of being away from 
her since last December. Your pal, 

Jack. 



160 THE REAL DOPE 

In the TrencJis, June ^. 

TTIRIEND AL: Well Al nothing doing as usual 
•^ only patching things up once in a wile and 
it would be as safe here as picking your teeth if 
our artillery had a few brains as the Germans 
wouldn't never pay no tension to us if our batterys 
would lay off them but we don't no sooner get a 
quite spell when our guns cuts loose and remind 
Fritz that they's a war and then of course the 
Dutchmens has got to pay for their board some 
way and they raise he — ^11 for a wile and make ev- 
erybody cross but as far as I can see they don't no- 
body never get killed on 1 side or the other side 
but of course the shells mess things up and keeps 
the boys busy makeing repairs where if our artil- 
lery would keep their mouth shut why so would 
theirs and the boys wouldn't never half to leave 
their dice game only for chow. 

But from all as we hear I guess they's no dice 
game going on up on some of the other sections 
but they's another kind of a game going on up 
there and so far the Dutchmens has got all the 
best of it but some of the boys says wait till the 
!Allys gets ready to strike back and they will make 
them look like a sucker and the best way to do is 
wait till the other side has wore themself out be- 
fore you go back at them. Well I told them I 
have had a lot of experience in big: league baseball 



SIMPLE SIMON 161 

where thej's stragety the same like in war but I 
never heard none of the big league managers tell 
their boys to not try and score till the other side 
had all the runs they was going to get and further 
and more it looked to me like when the Germans 
did get wore out they could rest up again in the 
best hotel in Paris. So Johnny Alcock says oh 
they won't never get inside of Paris because the 
military police will stop them at the city limits and 
ask them for their pass and then where would they 
be? So I says tell that to Simple Simon and he 
shut up. 

Speaking about Simple Simon what do you think 
they have got him believeing now. Well they 
told him Capt. Seeley had sent a patrol over the 
other night to find out what ailed the Germans 
that they never showed themself or started noth- 
ing against us and the patrol found out that Van 
Hindenburg had took all the men out of the sec- 
tion opp. us and sent them up to the war and left 
the trenchs opp. us empty so Simon asked him why 
we didn't go over there and take them then and 
they told him because our trenchs was warmer on 
acct. of being farther south. I suppose they will 
be telling him the next thing that Capt. Seeley 
and Ludendorf married sisters and the 2 of them 
has agreed to lay off each other. 

Well Al I am glad they have got somebody else 
to pick on besides me and of course they can have 



162 THE REAL DOPE 

a lot more fun with Slmoii as they's nothing to 
raw that he won't eat it up wile in my case I was 
to smart for them and just pretended like I fell 
for their gags as they would of been disappointed 
if I hadn't of and as I say somebody has got to 
furnish amusement in a he — ^11 hole like this or we 
would all be squirrel meat. Your pal, 

Jack. 



In the Trenchs, June 7, 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al here is a hot 1 that 
-^ they pulled on this Simon bird today and it 
was all as I could do to help from busting out 
laughing while they was telling it to him. 

Well it seems like he must of been thinking that 
over what they told him about they not being no 
Germans in the trenchs over opp. to where we are 
at and it finely downed on him that if they wasn't 
nobody over there why who was throwing up them 
flares and rockets every night. So today he said 
to Brady he says "Didn't you birds tell me them 
trenchs over across the way was empty ?" So Brady 
says yes what of it. So Simon says "Well I no- 
tice they's somebody over there at night times or 
else who throws up them flares as they don't throw 
themselfs up." So Brady says they had probably 
left a flare thrower over there to do that for them. 
But Simon says they must of left a lot of flare 



SIMPLE SIMON 163 

throwers because the flares come from different 
places along the line. 

So then Alcock cut in and says "Yes but j^ou 
will notice they don't come from different places 
at once and the bird that throws them gos from 1 
place to another so as we will think the trenchs 
is full of Germans." So Simon says "They 
couldn't nobody go from 1 place to another place 
as fast as them flares shoots up from different 
places." So Alcock says "No they couldn't no- 
body do it if they walked but the man that throws 
them flares don't walk because he hasn't got only 
1 leg as his other leg was shot off early in the war. 
But Van Hindenburg is so hard up for men that 
even if you get a leg shot off as soon as the Dr. 
mops up the mess and sticks on the court plaster 
they send the bird back in the war and put him 
on a job where you don't half to walk. So they 
stuck this old guy in the motorcycle dept. and now 
all as he does is ride up and down some quite sec- 
tion like this here all night and stop every so often 
and throw up a flare to make us think the place is 
dirty with Germans." 

Well Al Simon thought it over a wile and then 
asked Alcock how a man could ride a motorcycle 
with only 1 leg and Alcock says "Why not because 
you don't half to peddle a motorcycle as they run 
themself." So Simon says yes but how about it 
when you want to get off.'' So Alcock says "What 



164 THE REAL DOPE 

has a man's legs got to do with him getting off of 
a motorcycle as long as jou. have got your head 
to light on?" 

That is what they handed him Al and they hadn't 
hardly no sooner then got through with that dose 
when Brady begun on the souvenirs. First he 
asked him if he had got a hold of any new ones 
lately and Simon says no he hadn't seen nobody 
that had any for sale and besides his jack was 
low so Brady asked him how much did he have 
and he says about 4 franks. So Brady says "Well 
you can't expect anybody to come across with any- 
thing first class for no such chicken's food as that." 
So Simon says well even if he had a pocket full of 
jack he couldn't buy nothing with it when they 
wasn't nothing to buy. Then Brady asked him if 
he had saw the German speegle Ted Phillips had 
picked up and Simon says no so Brady went and 
got Phillips and after a wile he come back with 
him and Phillips said he had the speegle in his 
pocket and he would show it to us if we promised 
to be carefuU and not jar it out of his hands wile 
he was showing it as he wouldn't have it broke for 
the world. So Simon stood there with his eyes 
popping out and Phillips pulled the speegle out 
of his pocket and it wasn't nothing only a dirty 
little looking glass that you could pretty near 
crall through the cracks in it and all the boys re- 
marked what a odd little speegle it was and they 



SBIPLE SIMON ' 165 

hadn't never saw 1 like it before and etc. and finely 
Simon couldn't keep his clam shut no longer so 
he asked Phillips how much he would take for it. 
Well Phillips says it wasn't for sale as speegles 
was scarce in Germany on acct. of the war and that 
was why the Dutchmens always looked like a bum 
when you took them a prisoner. So Simon asked 
him what price he would set on it suppose he would 
sell it and Phillips says about 8 franks. Well Si- 
mon got out all his jack and they wasn't only 4 
franks and he showed it to Phillips and said if 
he would take 10 franks for the speegle he would 
give him 4 franks down and the other 6 franks 
when he got hold of some jack so Phillips hummed 
and hawed a wile and finely said all right Simon 
could have it but he wouldn't never sell it to him 
only that it kept worring him so much to carry 
it in his pocket for the fear he would loose it or 
break it. 

Well Al Phillips has got Simon's last 4 franks 
and Simon has got Phillips's speegle and I sup- 
pose now that the boys sees how soft it is they will 
be selling him stuff on credit and he will owe them 
his next months pay before they get through with 
him and I suppose the next thing you know they 
will keep their beard when they shave and sell it 
to him for German tobacco. Well I would half 
to be pretty hard up before I went in on some skin 
game like that and I would just as leave go up 



166 THE REAL DOPE 

to 1 of them cripples that use to spraddle all over 
the walk along 35 st. after the ball game and stick 
mj heel in their eye and romp off with their days 
receipts. Your pal, Jack. 

In the TreTichs, June 11, 

TTTRIEND AL: Well Al it seems Hke Capt. 
-^ Seeley is up on his ear because they haven't 
took our regt. out of here yet because it seems Gen. 
Pershing told Gen. Foch that he was to help him- 
self to any part of the U. S. army and throw them 
in where ever they w^as needed and they's been a 
bunch of the boys throwed in along the other parts 
of the front to try and stop the Germans and Capt. 
Seeley is raveing because they keep us here and 
don't take us where we can get some actions. Any 
way 1 of the lieuts. told some of the boys that if 
we didn't get took out of here pretty quick Capt. 
Seeley would start a war of our own on this section 
and all the officers was sore because we hadn't done 
nothing or took no prisoners or nothing you might 
say only make repairs in the wire and etc. Well 
Al how in the he — 11 can we show them anything 
when they don't never send us over the top or no- 
wheres else but just leave us here moldering you 
might say but at that I guess we have showed as 
much life as the birds that's over there opp. us 



SIMPLE SIMON 167 

in them other trenchs that hasn't hardly peeped 
since we come in here and the boys says they are 
a Saxon regt. that comes from part of Germany 
where the Kaiser is thought of the same as a gum 
boil so the Saxons feels kind of friendly towards 
us and they will leave us alone as long as we leave 
them alone and visa and versa. So I don't see where 
Capt. Seeley and them other officers has got a right 
to pan us for not showing nothing but I don't 
blame them for wishing they would take us out of 
here and show us the war and from all as we hear 
they's plenty of places where we could do some good 
or at lease as much good as the birds that has been 
there. 

Well Al they have been stringing poor Simon 
along and today they give him a song and dance 
about some bird name Joe in the regt. that was 
here ahead of us that got a collection of souvenirs 
that makes Simon's look rotten and they said the 
guy's pals called him Souvenir Joe on acct. of him 
haveing such a fine collection. So Brady says to 
Simon "All you have got is 5 or 6 articles and the 
next thing you know they will be takeing us out 
of here and you might maybe never get another 
chance to pick up any more rare articles so if I 
was you I would either get busy and get a real col- 
lection or throw away them things you have got 
and forget it." 



168 THE REAL DOPE 

So Simon says "How can I get any more sou- 
venirs when I haven't no more jack to buy them 
and besides you birds haven't no more to sell." So 
Brady says "Souvenir Joe didn't buy his collection 
but he went out and got them." So Simon asked 
him where at and Brady told him this here Joe 
use to crall out in Nobody's Land every night and 
pick up something and Simon says it was a wonder 
he didn't get killed. So Brady says "How would 
he get killed as the trenchs over across the way 
was just as empty when he was here as they are 
now and Old 1 Legged Mike and his motorcycle 
was on the job then to, so Joe would wait till Mike 
had throwed a few flares on this section and then 
he would sneak out and get his souvenirs before 
Mike come back again on his rounds." 

Well then Simon asked him where the souvenirs 
was out there and Brady says they was in the dif- 
ferent shell holes because most of Joe's souvenirs 
was the insides of German shells that had exploded 
and they was the best kind of souvenirs as they 
wasn't no chance of them being a fake. 

Well Al I had a notion to take Simon to 1 side 
and tell him to not pay no tension to these smart 
alex because the poor crum might go snooping out 
there some night after the insides of a shell and 
get the outsides and all and if something like that 
happened to him I would feel like a murder though 
I haven't never took no part in makeing a monkey 



SIMPLE SIMON 169 

out of him, but I thought well if the poor cheese 
don't know no more then that he is better off dead 
so let him go. Your pal, 

Jack. 



In the Trenchs, June IS, 

TTfRIEND AL: Just a line Al as I am to ex- 

•^ cited to write much but I knew jou would 
want to know the big news. Well Al I have got 
a daughter born the 18 of May. How is that for 
a supprise Al but I guess you won't be no more 
supprised than I was when the news come as Flor- 
rie hadn't gave me no hint and a man can't guess 
a thing like that when you are in France and the 
lady in question is back in old Chi. But it sure 
is wonderfull news Al and I only wished I was 
somewheres where I could celebrate it right but 
you can't even whistle here or somebody would 
crown you with a shovle. 

Well Al the news come today in a letter from 
Florrie's sister Marie Allen and she^Jias been down 
in Texas but I suppose Florrie got her to come 
up and stay with her though as far as I can see 
its bad enough to have a baby without haveing 
that bird in the house to, but they's 1 consolation 
we haven't got rm. in the apt. for more than 2 
kids and 3 grown ups so when I get home if sweet 
Marie is still there yet we will either half to get 



170 THE REAL DOPE 

rid of the Swede cook or she, and when it corneas 
to a choice between a ski jumper that will work and 
a sister that won't why Florrie won't be bothered 
with no family ties. 

Any way I haven't no time to worry about no 
Allen family now as I am feeling to good and all 
as I wish is that somebody wins this war dam toot 
sweet so as I can get home and see this little chick 
Al and I bet she is as pretty as a picture and she 
couldn't be nothing else you might say and I have 
wrote to Florrie to not name her or nothing till I 
have my say as you turn a woman loose on nameing 
somebody all alone and they go nuts and look 
through a seed catalog. 

Well old pal I know you would congratulate me 
if you was here and I am only sorry I can't return 
the complement and if I was you and Bertha I 
would adopt 1 of these here Belgium orphans that's 
lost their parents as they's nothing like it Al have- 
ing a kid or 2 in the house and I bet little Al is 
tickled to death with his little sister. 

Well Al I have told all the boys about it and 
they have been haveing a lot of fun with me but 
any way they call me Papa now which is a he — ^11 
of a lot better then Sammy Boy. Your pal, 

Jack. 



SIMPLE SIMON 171 

In the Trenchs, June H* 

TTfRIEND AL: I am all most to nervous to 
-^ write Al but anything is better then setting 
around thinking and besides I want you to know 
what has came off so as you will know what come 
off in the case something happens. 

Well Al Simple Simon's gone. We don't know 
if he's dead or alive or what the he — 11 and all as 
we know is that he was here last night and he ain't 
here today and they hasn't nobody seen or heard 
of him. 

Of course Al that isn't all we know neither as 
we can just about guess what happened. But I 
have gave my word to not spill nothing about what 
the boys pulled on him or god knows what Capt. 
Seeley would do to them. 

Well Al I got up this a. m. feeling fine as I 
had slept better then any time for a wk. and I 
dreamt about the little gal back home that ain't 
never seen her daddy or don't know if she's got 1 
or not but in my dream she knowed me O. K. as 
I dreamt I had just got home and Florrie wasn't 
there to meet me as usual but I rung the bell and 
the ski jumper let me in and I asked her where 
Florrie was and she said she had went out some- 
wheres with little Al so I was going out and look 
for them but the Swede says the baby is here if 



17^ THE REAL DOPE 

you want to see her and I asked her what baby 
and she says why your new Httle baby girl. 

So then I heard a baby crying somewheres in 
the house and I went in the bed rm. and this Httle 
mite jumped right up out of bed and all of a sud- 
den she was S yrs. old instead of a mo. and she 
come running to me and hollered daddy. Bo then 
I grabbed her up and we begin danceing around 
but all of a sudden it was I and Florrie that was 
danceing together and little Al and the little gal 
was danceing around us and then I woke up Al 
and found I was still in this he — ^11 hole but the 
dream was so happy that I was still feeling good 
over it yet and besides it looked like the sun had 
forgot it was in France and was going to shine 
for a while. 

Well pretty soon along come Corp. Evans and 
called me to 1 side and asked me what I knew about 
Simon. So I says what about him. So Corp. Ev- 
ans says he is missing and they hasn't nobody saw 
him since last night. So I says I didn't know 
nothing about him but if anything had happened 
to him they was a lot of birds in this Co. that ought 
to pay for it. So Corp. Evans asked me what was 
I driveing at and I started in to tell him about 
Alcock and Brady and them kidding this poor bird 
to death and Corp. Evans says yes he knew all 
about that and the best thing to do was to shut 
up about it as it would get everybody in bad. He 



SIMPLE SIMON 173 

says "Wait a couple days any way and maybe he 
will show up O. K. and then they won't be no sence 
in spilling all this stuff." So I says all right I 
would wait a couple days but these birds ought to 
get theirs if something serious has happened and 
if he don't show up by that time I won't make no 
promise to spill all I know. So Corp. Evans says 

1 didn't half to make no promise as he would spill 
the beans himself if Simon isn't O. K. 

Well Al of course all the boys had heard the 
news by the time I got to talk to them and they's 

2 or 3 of them that feels pretty sick over it and no 
wonder and the bird that feels the sickest is Alcock 
and here is why. Well it seems like yesterday while 
I was telling all the boys about the news from home 
Simon was giveing Alcock a ear full of that junk 
Brady had been slipping him about Souvenir Joe 
and Simon asked Alcock if he thought they was 
still any of them souvenirs worth going after out 
in them shell holes. So Alcock says of course they 
must be as some of the holes was made new since 
we been here. But Alcock told him that if he was 
him he wouldn't waist no time collecting the insides 
of German shells as the Germans was so hard up 
for mettle and etc. now days that the shells they 
was sending over was about % full of cheese and 
stuff that wouldn't keep. So Alcock says to him 
*'What you ought to go after is a Saxon because 
you can bet that Souveiiir Joe didn't get none and 



174. THE REAL DOPE 

if you would get 1 all the boys would begin calling 
you Souvenir Simon instead of Simple Simon and 
you would make Souvenir Joe look like a dud." 

Well Al Simon didn't know a Saxon from a 
hang nail so he asked Alcock what they looked like 
and Alcock told him to never mind as he couldn't 
help from knowing 1 if he ever seen it so then 
Simon asked him where they was libel to be and 
Alcock told him probably over in some of the shell 
holes near the German trench. 

That's what come off yesterday wile I was busy 
telling everybody about the little gal as you can 
bet I would of put Simon wise had I of been in on 
it and now Al he's gone and they don't nobody 
know what's became of him but they's a lot of us 
that's got a pretty good idear and as I say they's 
2 or 3 feels pretty sick and one a specially. But 
I guess at that they don't no one feel no worse then 
me though they can't nobody say I am to blame 
for what's happened but still in all I might of in- 
terfered because I am the only 1 of them that has 
got a heart Al and the only reason Alcock and 
Brady is so sick now is that they are scared to death 
of what will happen to them if they get found out. 
Because their smartness won't get them nothing up 
in front of the Court Marshall as he has seen to 
many birds just like them. 

Well Al I am on post duty tonight and maybe 
you don't know what that means. Well old pal 



SIMPLE SIMON 175 

its no Elks carnivle at no time and just think what 
it will be tonight with your ears straining for a 
cry from out there. And if the cry comes Al they 
won't only be the 1 thing to do and I will be the 1 
to do it. 

So this may be the last time you will hear from 
me old pal and I wanted you to know in the case 
anything come off just how it happened as I won't 
be here to write it to you afterwards. 

All as I can think about now Al is S things and 
1 of them is that little gal back home that won't 
never see her daddy but maybe when she gets 4 
or 5 yrs. old she will ask her mother "Why haven't 
I got a daddy like other little girls?" But maybe 
she will have 1 by that time Al. But what I am 
thinking about the most is that poor % wit out 
there and as Brady says he isn't nothing but a 
Mormon any way and ought never to of got in 
the army but still and all he is a man and its our 
duty to fight and die for him if needs to be. 

Your pal, Jack. 

In the Hospital, July 20, 

TTfRIEND AL: You will half to excuse this 
■^ writeing as I am proped up in a funny po- 
sition in bed and its all as I can do to keep the 
paper steady as my left arm ain't no more use then 
the Russian front. 



176 THE REAL DOPE 

Well Al yesterday was the 1st. time they left 
me set up and I wrote a letter to Florrie and told 
her I was getting along O. K. as I didn't want she 
should worry and this time I will try and write to 
you. I suppose you got the note that the little 
nurse wrote for me about 2 wks. ago and told you 
I was getting better. Well old pal the gal that 
wrote you that little note is some baby and if you 
could see the kid that wrote you that little note you 
would wished you was laying here in my place. No 
I guess you wouldn't wished that Al as they's 
nobody that would want to go through what I have 
been through and they's very few that could stand 
it like I have and keep on smileing. 

Well old pal they thought for a wile that it was 
Feeney for yrs. truly as they say over here and 
believe me I was in such pain that I would of been 
glad to die to get rid of the pain and the Dr. said 
it was a good tiling I was such a game bird and 
had such a physic or I couldn't of never stood it. 
But I am not strong enough yet to set this way 
very long so if I am going to tell you what hap- 
pened I had better start in. 

Well Al this is the SO of July and that means 
I have been in here 5 wks. as it was the 14 of June 
when all this come off. Well Al I can remember 
writeing to you the day of the night it come off 
and I guess I told you about this bird Simon get- 
ting lost that was always after the souvenirs and 



SIMPLE SIMON 177 

some of the boys told him thej wasn't no Germans 
over in the other trenchs but just a bird name 
Motorcycle Mike that went up and down the sec- 
tion throwing flares so as we would think they 
was Germans over there. So they told him if he 
wanted to go out in Nobody's Land and spear sou- 
venirs it was safe if you went just after Mike had 
made his rounds so as the snippers wouldn't get 
you. 

Well old pal I was standing there looking out 
over Nobody's Land that night and I couldn't 
think of nothing only poor Simon and hstening to 
hear if I couldn't maybe hear him call from some- 
wheres out there and I don't know how long I had 
been standing there when I heard a kind of a noise 
like somebody scrunching and at the same time they 
was a flare throwed up from our side and I seen a 
figure out there cralling on the ground quite a ways 
beyond our wire. Well Al I didn't wait to look 
twice but I called Corp. Evans and told him. So 
he says who did I think it was and I said it must 
be Simon. So he says "Well Keefe its up to 1 of 
us to go get him." So I said "Well Corp. I guess 
its my job." So he says "All right Keefe if you 
feel that way about it." So I says all right and 
I'll say Al that he give up his claims without a 
struggle. 

Well I started and I was going without my riffle 
but the Corp. stopped me and says take it along 



178 THE REAL DOPE 

and I says "What for, do you think I am going 
to pick Simon up with a bayonet." So he says who 
told me it was Simon out there. Well Al that's 
the 1st. time I stopped to think it might maybe 
be somebody else. 

Well Florrie use to say that I couldn't get up 
in the night for a drink of water without every- 
body in the bldg. thinking the world serious must 
of started but I bet I didn't knock over no chairs 
on this trip. Well Al it took me long enough to 
get out there as you can bet I wasn't trying for 
no record and every time they was a noise I had 
to lay fiat and not huge. But I got there Al to 
where I thought I had saw this bird moveing around 
but they hadn't no rockets went up since I started 
and it was like a troop ship and I couldn't make 
out no figure of a man or nothing else and I was 
just going to whisper Simon's name when I reached 
out my hand and touched him. Well Al it wasn't 
Simon. 

Well old pal we had some battle this bird and 
me and the both of us forgot bayonets and guns 
and everything else. I would of killed him sure 
only he got a hold of my left hand between his 
teeth and I couldn't pry it loose. But believe me 
Al he took a awful beating with my free hand and 
I will half to hand it to him for a game bird only 
what chance did he liave ? None Al and the battle 
couldn't only end the 1 way and I was just getting 



SIMPLE SIMON 179 

ready to grab his wind pipe and shut off the meter 
when he left go of my other hand and let out a 
yell that you could hear all over the great lakes 
and then all of a sudden it seemed like everj^body 
was takeing a flash light and then the bullets come 
whizzing from all sides it seemed like and they 
got me S times Al and never pinked this other bird 
once. Well Al it wasn't till 2 wks. ago that I 
found out that my opponent was Johnny Alcock. 

Just 2 wks. ago yesterday Johnny come in and 
seen me and told me the whole story and it was 
the 1st. day they left me see anybody only the Dr. 
and the little nurse and was the 1st. day Johnny 
was able to be up and around. How is that Al 
to put a man in the hospital for 3 wks. without 
useing no gun or knife or nothing on him only 1 
bear fist. Some fist eh Al. 

Well it seems like he had been worring so about 
Simon that he finely went out there snooping 
around all by himself looking for him and he was 
the 1 I seen when that flare went up and of course 
we each thought the other 1 was a German and 
finely it was him yelling and the rockets going 
up at the same time that drawed the fire and I got 
all of it because I was the bird on top. 

But listen Al till you hear the funny part of it. 
Simple Simon the bird that we was both out there 
looking for him showed up in our trench about a 
% hr. after we was brought in and he showed up 



180 THE REAL DOPE 

with a Saxon all right but the Saxon was dead. 
Well Al Simon told them that he had ran into this 
guy over near their wire and that he was alive 
when he got him, but Alcock says that Brady said 
Simon hadn't only been gone 24* hrs. and the Saxon 
had been gone a he — 11 of a lot longer than that. 
Well they's no hard feeling between Alcock and 
I and I guess I more then got even with him for 
eating out of my hand as they say but Johnny 
said it was a shame I couldn't of used some of my 
strength on a German instead of him but any way 
its all over now and the Dr. says my leg is pretty 
near O. K. and I can walk on it in a couple wks. 
but my left arm won't be no use for god knows 
how long and maybe never and I guess I'm lucky 
they didn't half to clip it off. So I don't know 
when I will get out of here or where I will go from 
here but I guess they's 1 little party that ain't in 
no hurry to see me go and I wished you could see 
her look at me Al and you would say its to bad I 
am a married man with 2 kids. Your pal, 

Jack. 



Somwheres in France, Aug. 16, 

TTfRIEND AL: Well Al I don't suppose this 
-^ will reach you any sooner then if I took it 
with me and mailed it when I get home but I haven't 



^ 








V^* 





f %« Ak>- 



And I wished you could see her look at me, Al 



SIMPLE SIMON 181 

nothing to do for a few hrs. so I might as well be 
writeing you the news. 

Well old pal I am homewards bound as they say 
as the war is Feeney as far as I am conserned and 
I am sailing tonight along with a lot of the other 
boys that's being sent home for good and when I 
look at some of the rest of them I guess I am lucky 
to be in as good a shape as I am. I am O. K. only 
for my arm and wile it won't never be as good as 
it was I can probably get to use it pretty good in 
a few months and all as I can say is thank god it 
is my left arm and not the old souper that use to 
stand Cobb and them on their head and it will stand 
them on their head again Al as soon as this war 
is over and I guess I won't half to go begging to 
Comiskey to give me another chance after what I 
have done as even if I couldn't pitch up a alley 
I would be a money maker for them just setting 
on the bench and showing myself after this. 

Well we are saying good by to old France and 
I don't know how the rest of the boys feels but I 
am not haveing no trouble controling myself and 
when it comes down to cases Al the shoe is on the 
other ft. and what I am getting at is that France 
ought to be the 1 that hates to see us leave as I 
doubt if they will ever get a bunch of spenders like 
us over here again. 

Well Al it certainly seems quite down here in 



182 THE REAL DOFE 

this old sea port town after what we have been 
through and it seems hke I can still hear them big 
guns roar and them riffles crack and etc. and I feel 
like I ought to keep my head down all the wile and 
keep out of the snippers way and I could all most 
shut my eyes and imagine I was back there again 
in that he — 11 hole but I know I'm not Al as I don't 
itch. 

A^'ell Al my wounds isn't the only reason I am 
comeing home but they's another reason and that 
is that they want some of us poplar idles to help 
rouse up the public on this here next Liberty Loan 
and I don't mind it as they have promised to send 
me home to Chi and I can be with Florrie and the 
kids. I will do what I can Al though I can't figure 
where the public would need any rouseing up and 
they certainly wouldn't if they had of been through 
what I have been through and maybe some of the 
other boys to. It takes jack to run a war Al even 
if us boys don't get none of it or what we do get 
they either send it home to our wife or take it away 
from us in a crap game. 

Well old pal I left the hospital the day before 
3^esterday and that was the only time I felt like 
crying since they told me I was going home and 
it wasn't so much for myself Al but that poor little 
nurse and you would of felt like crying to if you 
could of seen the look she give me. Her name is 
Charlotte Warren and she lives in Minneapolis and 



SIMPLE SIMON 18S 

expects to go right back there after she is through 
over here but that don't do me no good as a mar- 
ried man with a couple children has got something 
better to do besides flirting with a pretty little nurse 
and besides I won't never pitch ball in Minneapolis 
as I expect to quit the game when I am about 40. 

Well Al some of the boys wants to say their fare- 
wells to the Vin Rouge and the la la las and I will 
half to close and I will write again as soon as I 
get home and tell you what the baby gal looks like 
though they's only the 1 way she could look and 
that's good. 

Well here is good by to France and good luck 
to all the boys that's going to stay over here and 
Simple Simon with the rest of them and I suppose 
I ought to of got a few souvenirs off him to bring 
home with me. But I guess at that I will be car- 
rying a souvenir of this war for a long wile Al 
and its better than any of them foney ones he has 
got as the 1 I have got shows I was realy in it and 
done my bit for old Glory and the U. S. A. 

Your pal, Jack. 

Chicago^ Aug, 29, 

tpRIEND AL: Well Al here I am back in old 
•* Chi and feeling pretty good only for my arm 
and my left leg is still stiff yet and I caught a 
mean cold comeing across the old pond but what is 



184t THE REAL DOPE 

a few little things like that as the main thing is 
being home. 

Well old pal they wasn't nothing happened on 
the trip across the old pond only it took a whole 
lot to long and believe me old N. Y. looked good 
but believe me I wouldn't waist no time in N. Y. 
only long enough to climb outside a big steak and 
the waiter had to cut it up for me but even the 
waiters treated us fine and everywheres we showed 
up the people was wild about us and cheered and 
clapped and it sounded like old times when I use 
to walk out there to warm up. 

Well we hit N. Y. in the a. m. and left that 
night and got here last eve. and I didn't leave Flor- 
rie know just when I was comeing as I wanted to 
supprise her. Well Al I ought to of wired ahead 
and told her to go easy on my poor old arm be- 
cause when she opened the door and seen me she 
give a running hop step and jump and dam near 
killed me. So then she seen my arm in a sling 
and cried and cried and she says "Oh my poor boy 
what have you been through." So I says "Well 
you have been through something yourself so its 
50 50 only I got this from a German." 

Well Al little Al was the cutest thing you ever 
seen and he grabbed me by the good hand and 
rushed me in to where the little stranger was laying 
and she was asleep but we broke the rules for once 
and all and all it was some party and she is some 



SIMPLE SIMON 185 

little gal Al and pretty as a picture and when you 
can say that for a 3 mos. old its going some as 
the most of them looks hke a French breakfast. 

Well I finely happened to think of Sister Marie 
and I asked where she was at and Florrie says she 
went back to Texas so I says tough luck and Flor- 
rie says I needn't get so gay the 1st. evening home 
and she says "Any way we have still got a Marie 
in the house as that is what I call the baby." So 
I says "Well you can think of her that way but 
her name ain't going to be that as I don't like the 
name." So she says what name did I like and I 
pretended like I was thinking a wile and finely I 
says what is the matter with Charlotte. Well Al 
you will half to hand it to the women for detectives 
as I hadn't no sooner said the name when she says 
"Oh no you can't come home and name my baby 
after none of your French nurses." And I hadn't 
told her nothing about a nurse. 

Well any way I says I had met a whole lot more 
Maries then Charlottes in France and she says had 
I met any Florries and I said no and that was realy 
the name I had picked out for the kid. So she says 
well she didn't like the name herself but it was the 
only name I could pick out that she wouldn't be 
suspicious of it so the little gal is named after her 
mother Al and if she only grows up % as pretty 
as her old lady it won't make no difFerents if she 
has got a funny name. 



IS6 THE REAL DOPE 

Well Al have you noticed what direction the 
Dutchmens is makeing their drive in now? They 
started going the other way the 18 of July and it 
was 2 da3^s ahead of that time that our regt. was 
moved over to the war and now they are running 
them ragged. Well Al I wished I was there to 
help but even if I was worth a dam to fight I 
couldn't very well leave home just now. 

Your pal, Jack. 



THE END 



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